An Understanding
by Anne Bensler
Summary: It felt like the mutual understanding they had always had, had been broken. It was complicated. In that one embrace, the first they had ever shared, they had said goodbye to whatever might have been. To what was never going to happen. To what could not happen. Not now. Not ever.
1. Prologue - Snitch

_**I know I have not finished "Watching" yet, but this was just an idea that I had while watching a few consecutive episodes of season 9. I see a pattern there ... if anyone is interested?**_

...

 **Prologue**

Things had not been the same. _They_ had not been the same. It felt like the mutual understanding they had always had, had been broken. They had tried to fix it - they had even talked about it on that rarest of occasions, when she had shown up on his doorstep early in the morning with a cup of coffee for him and a cup of tea for herself. They had actually addressed their partnership and had assured each other that they weren't going anywhere. But the shift that had happened after the Gitano case, had remained. They had not shifted back. She had moved away from him, twice. And she had returned, twice. Still, the shift remained and it had made him move away from her as well. Not physically but emotionally. Up to the point that he had sought solace with his estranged wife after a hard case, resulting in a pregnancy none of them had really wanted. His sense of duty and responsibility had kicked in and when his wife asked him, he had gone back home. Yes, they were still partners. Yes, they still argued about cases. Yes, they still had each other's backs, always. But it wasn't the same. They had tried to fix it but the shift had remained. It was complicated.

Deep down, he knew what it was. Of course he knew. And that was exactly why there was no fixing it. Not now. It's not that he wasn't happy to become a father again. He was. He loved kids and he knew he would love his fifth child every bit as much as the other four. But this pregnancy, this child, had made it final. Well, it should have been final a long time ago - no, it shouldn't even have been there in the first place. But it had been, probably right from the beginning. And when she told him why she left the first time, he knew it was the same for her. It was complicated.

His heart ached for her because she was alone. She was only making fleeting attempts at dating these days, almost as if she had resigned to being alone and staying alone. He felt guilty because he really didn't mind her not dating. He was a selfish bastard.

The day his fifth child was born, was etched in his brain. Seeing the little boy had been overwhelming and he was filled with love for this new little creature. _She_ had saved his life, as well as his wife's. She had helped bring his son into the world. He didn't know anyone more selfless than this woman. And at the same time, he knew he was saying goodbye to her. That was why he had pulled her in his arms at the hospital. To show her his gratitude for being there for his family when he wasn't - and to say goodbye. In that one embrace, the first they had ever shared, they had said goodbye to whatever might have been. To what was never going to happen. To what could not happen. Not now. Not ever.

...

 **"Snitch"**

He didn't know if she was aware of it, but Olivia certainly wasn't making it easy for him. How could he _not_ look at her when she was wearing things like that! The tight dark blouse with the black low-cut top underneath really didn't leave much to the imagination. After visiting the crime scene, chasing a suspect and questioning him in the hospital, they talked to Melinda Warner at the morgue. His eyes were still drawn to her ample cleavage but he tried to focus on the case.

The ME told them that the scarring they had found on the girl was from an improperly healed female circumcision. 'If done safely, women lose all sexual sensation.'

He wondered why any woman would agree to it.

'Tradition,' Warner told them. 'In some cultures men won't court women until they've had this procedure.'

Olivia suggested they go visit the immigration agency to possibly identify their victim and asked him if he was still friends with agent Williams, who worked there. He nodded and they left the morgue. He felt a little uneasy and hoped Williams would not mention that they had dated briefly. _She_ didn't need to know. Naturally, she sensed that he was uneasy while they were driving over to the immigration office.

'What's up El?' she asked.

The question was innocent enough but he didn't feel like telling her what was really on his mind. In stead, he mentioned that he still couldn't understand why any woman would agree to have a circumcision.

'It kinda takes all the fun out of it, wouldn't you say?'

She agreed, looking very serious. 'It's discrimination. Men can do and _feel_ whatever they want and the women don't even get to enjoy it.'

He looked away from her, trying very hard not to think about her enjoying it. God, why was he still like this? He had said goodbye to all other options when he went back home so why were these thoughts resurfacing? He chewed on his lower lip, trying to think of something meaningful to say. He would have to, since he was the one who had brought it up.

'I don't think I would enjoy it myself if my partner wasn't enjoying herself,' he managed to say.

Why the hell did he have to use the word _partner_! He wanted to kick himself and gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, silently cursing the busy traffic. He really needed to get out of this car, this conversation. Why were they suddenly discussing his sex life anyway? He glanced at her. She was looking out the window, supporting her head with her arm, which was leaning against the door of the car. A small smile was playing on her lips and he wondered if she was thinking about his Freudian slip of the tongue. Slip of the tongue. That was an interesting phrase in itself ...  
He was very relieved when she spoke again, pulling him out of his unholy line of thinking.

'Maybe you wouldn't, but if this line of work has taught us anything, it's that a lot of men don't care about anything but getting off themselves. I wonder sometimes if _any_ of them really care if they had to be very honest about it ...' she trailed off, frowning as if she regretted adding that last bit.

He was silent for a few minutes, processing what she had just said and what those words implied. Had she really been treated that poorly? Usually, he would try to push thoughts about her in 'that' situation out as quickly as possible but he allowed himself to think about it now. He assumed Olivia would always be in the lead. She wasn't one to surrender herself, under any circumstance. Would she concern herself with the feelings of her bed partner, before, during or after the act? He was certain that she would always get what _she_ needed from them. She wouldn't wait until it was given to her. She was a very closed-off person and he couldn't even imagine her opening up to anyone other than the vulnerable victims of heinous crimes. She didn't even open up to him. Not really. _If you want people to care, you will have to show them you are worth caring about._

She was staring at him with her mouth open and shock written all over her face. it wasn't until she spoke again that he realized he had said that last bit out loud.

'Excuse me? When did this become about me? And who the hell are you to say I'm not worth caring about!'

He saw actual tears spring in her eyes and he was shocked himself. He looked in his rear view mirror quickly and pulled the car over behind another parked car. Olivia was looking out the window again and he hesitantly put a hand on her left arm to get her to look at him again.

'Liv. You know I would never say such a thing,' he said softly. 'That's is not what I meant!'

He knew she didn't think very highly of herself. It had been ingrained in her from a very early age that she was indeed not worth caring about. During their partnership he had tried several times to convince her that she was, so he couldn't believe that she would interpret his words that way. He hadn't even wanted to say them out loud but it looked like he had.

'So what did you mean?' she asked, shrugging his hand off her arm and still not looking at him directly.

'Liv, I ... I didn't even know I was saying that out loud ... I was ...'

She glared at him and he knew he was making things worse.

'Listen,' he tried again. 'I was just thinking about things in general and then about you and how closed-off you are to everyone around you. How you don't open up. I didn't say I don't care about you!'

She was still staring at him and he was really afraid that he had made things even worse.

'Liv,' he said softly, taking a bold step by taking her left hand in his. 'You _are_ worth caring about. You just don't let people see it. That's what I meant to say. Well, I didn't mean to say it but ... that's what I think. You know that, don't you?'

She was looking down at their hands, clasped together on her thigh. She sighed and he thought he saw new tears glistening in her eyes. He couldn't read her mind right now and he could only guess what she might be thinking. Overthinking being a more suitable word. But she surprised him by changing the subject back to where they had started.

'Well, it doesn't really matter. I still think this circumcision is basically discriminatory. Men get to have all the fun and women are only there for them. It's medieval.'

He knew he should feel relief that their difficult conversation was over. But he didn't. He wanted to know what she had been thinking, he really did. She had sealed up again. The tears were gone and she was back in her detective mode. She had moved her hand away from his and he had put his hand back on the steering wheel. They were going to drop it and not discuss it again. Just like always.

'Let's go, we have a victim to identify.'

Reluctantly, he put the car in drive again. How did they end up here anyway?

...

Agent Williams was very helpful, although she did point out to Elliot that he didn't have to come all the way down there in person for the information. He explained that they were in a rush. While the system ran their victim's fingerprints, agent Williams told him she was surprised that she hadn't heard from him. _Here we go_ , he thought. He should have known she would say something. He managed a tight smile and told her that he got back together with his wife, trying desperately to ignore Olivia's facial expression changing, which he could still see happening in his peripheral vision. Agent Williams said she thought that might happen and he was relieved that the awkward moment was over. He glanced at Olivia who, as expected, was totally surprised. He looked away quickly and just then, the system turned up a hit on their vic. Agent Williams printed it out for them and smiled at him while handing him the paper. Olivia glanced at them both again while he thanked the agent and they walked away, but she said nothing. He could almost hear her think about it but she stayed silent all the way to the Nigerian crafts shop where their victim's aunt should be.

They continued working the case, bringing in the aunt and then the man claiming to be their 15-year old victim's husband, and finally a thug who was intimidating witnesses who were going to testify against him in court about a murder. The husband of their vic being one of those witnesses, they were taking him into protective custody. He wanted protection for his entire family and told them that both Almani and his attorney Sarah were also his wives. They were shocked and he could see the wheels starting to turn once again in Olivia's head.

Naturally, they didn't fully agree on the matter. He said if it's legal for a man to have three wives in Nigeria, what is he supposed to do when he gets here? The thought of having more wives, although against everything he is supposed to believe in, didn't seem so appalling to him at all. Face it, what man would object to legally have a choice like that ... Still, they had to arrest the man because it's illegal in the US. They discussed the issue outside the interrogation room.

'Maybe he'll take a plea. Poor guy can get 1 to 3 off each count.' he mused.

'Poor guy? I find polygamy degrading. His third wife was a fifteen-year old that he married over the phone.'

She said it softly but so decisively that the tension between them was palpable immediately. But he wasn't going to back down so easily.

'Yeah, to save her from religious persecution in Africa.'

'Only to mutilate her in America,' she retorted.

They were interrupted by their captain who ordered them to carry out the protection that had been promised their polygamist while they would investigate further. They took the husband to the safe house first and then had a heart-to-heart with the two remaining wives while they and their children packed up. Sarah told him that polygamous families are stronger than monogamous ones.

'Says who?' he asked.

'How many men in this country have affairs, or abandon their wives for younger women?'

He didn't know what to say.

'My dad left six wives,' Sarah continued. 'All legally. We're a family that sticks together.'

...

It gave him something to think about. However, their main concern was to keep their witness safe. After receiving a threatening note, the family would not return to the motel. When they insisted on going home, he offered to stay with them. It wasn't very comfortable to sleep on the couch of this family but he didn't feel like sleeping anyway. His thoughts kept drifting to these unusual family arrangements. If he were allowed to have more than one wife, would he go for it? If he was totally honest with himself, he didn't think he would want to do that to a woman. To _her_. He sat up on the couch when he realized who he was thinking about. This can't be right, he told himself. He was thinking it anyway. If he could have _her_ , he would want to be all hers. But he couldn't have her. That was the point. He was supposed to be someone else's all. He probably was, but that someone wasn't his all ...

He got up abruptly and walked from the living room into the kitchen area. What was he going to do? He wasn't home, he was a guest here. He walked back to the couch slowly. This man had two wives. If he had two wives they would probably kill each other. If they were the two women he was thinking of, they would definitely kill each other. He sighed and lay down on the couch again. This was going to be a long night.

...

In the end, good old jealousy was the cause of one wife killing the other. It had been Sarah who killed the 15-year old third wife because her husband had actually fallen in love with the girl.

'Still think polygamy is a good idea?' she asked him after the trial.

He looked at her sideways while they walked down the stairs in the courthouse. 'I never said I thought it was a good idea.'

'Hm.' She gave him a small smile and he saw a twinkle in her eyes when she said, 'I thought it actually appealed to you to have some variety in your menu.'

He stopped when they reached the bottom of the stairs and turned to look at her.

'Liv, I am a one woman kind of guy. All the way. You know that.' He was dead serious.

She bit her lower lip and looked around before looking at him again.

'Yes, I know.'

...

 **So ... could this be the beginning of an interesting story or should I just leave it here as a one-shot? Do let me know!**


	2. Streetwise

**"Streetwise"**

Another body was found in Central Park. One wearing 5,000 dollar earrings. Well, one of them was missing. She was a rich girl, collared once for a DUI so they found her parents quickly. They were in tears, obviously, but managed to tell them where Shelby was supposed to be the night before, and who she had been with.

She knew he was most likely thinking about his own daughters but he seemed calm this time. She was making some notes and saw him point at the photographs on the table in front of them.

'Are these recent?' he asked, picking them up.

'They were taken yesterday, right here in this room,' the father answered.

'May I? he asked, while sitting down beside her, across from the parents. There was one of Shelby, one of her with her two best friends and one with her boyfriend, Doug. He showed the last picture to Olivia, and she immediately knew why he did.

'They been having any problems lately?' he asked.

They told them they hadn't and that Doug was every mothers' dream.

'She doesn't look too happy in that picture,' Olivia said, but the parents assured them Doug would never hurt Shelby. They told them where to find him: at the ball, waiting for Shelby, and they left them to deal with their loss together.

...

'This,' he said while waving the photograph between them in the car, 'is not a happy couple.'

'No, I can see that. I wonder why the parents don't see it.' she mused while looking sideways before changing lanes.

'Maybe they don't want to see it. They are the perfect couple on the outside. I'm sure his parents are just as thrilled. Great dowry.'

She laughed but did not comment. It never ceased to amaze her how blind people could be when the truth was staring them in the face. Then again, wasn't she guilty of some partial blindness herself? Or he, for that matter? But there was no room for those thoughts anymore. Not now. So they might as well pretend to be blind to it and just move on. It wasn't the same anyway. It had not been the same for a while. She had kept a straight face, she was sure of it. But part of her had died on the spot when he told her his wife was pregnant. She knew he would be going back. That was just the kind of man he was. He wouldn't really be happy but he would take responsibility. And he had. Of course he had. His sense of duty and the overwhelming urge to prove to the world that he was not a failure gave him the strength to make that choice. If someone were to snap a picture of _them_ together, they would both look miserable. But he was going to do this, whatever the cost. And she, his partner, would support him, whatever the cost.

She glanced at the photograph in his hand. Those two were so young and were already making choices for all the wrong reasons. She thought about the choices she had made in her life at that age, and then about Elliot. What if Elliot had not married Kathy? What if he had just supported her and the baby financially without committing to a life with them? Would their parents have let him? They never talked about that stuff but she wondered about it.

'Hey El.'

'Hmmm?' He looked like he had also been musing about something and looked at her wearily.

'How 'bout Kathy's parents? Were you a dream to them, too?'

There, she had asked it. He seemed a little shocked at the question.

'Wow, where did that come from?' he asked.

She feigned some indifference and shrugged while she said, 'Oh, I was just wondering. Was thinking about the influence of parents on their kids and I just thought of your history.'

'I see. Well ...,' he started and he laughed softly. 'It's not like they had much of a choice. I think her mother liked me but before they really got to know me, they had a grandchild on the way so ...' He made a helpless gesture with his hands. 'I guess they were stuck with me.'

'Yeah, I know what happened. But if that hadn't happened?'

He sighed and seemed to think things over before answering. His voice was timid when he finally spoke again.

'I'm not sure what my life would be like if I hadn't gotten her pregnant. I'm not even sure I would have married her at all.'

She felt like someone had just punched her in the gut and she had to look away from him. It wasn't the answer she was expecting to hear. She had just asked whether his in-laws had liked him. But he had taken the question much further, and hearing this admission from him was actually physically painful to her. While he was saying out loud that he wasn't sure he would have married Kathy, she knew he was really saying he was sure he would not have married her. Their entire marriage was based on their mutual sense of duty and responsibility. And when it was about to self-destruct, the same sense of duty and responsibility had dragged him back in. It wasn't like she hadn't know that, somewhere deep inside. But to hear him actually say it out loud was something else.

He was looking at her now, searching her face for some kind of reaction. There was sadness in his eyes. What could she say? She asked the only thing she could think of, realizing the very moment she said it that it was the one question she should not have asked.

'But you are happy with her now, aren't you?'

He was silent. He stayed silent and looked away. They had reached their destination and she wasn't sure what to do. She parked the car and shut the engine off, waiting for Elliot to make a decision. Was he going to answer her question or were they just going to get out of the car and not talk about it anymore? He decided on the latter.

'Let's go,' he said and opened his car door. She got out as well and they walked into the building together in silence.

...

After telling not one but two boyfriends that Shelby was dead, they walked back to the car. The second boyfriend was clearly not from a rich background, and he had told them he and Shelby had 'fooled around for a while' secretly on the back stairwell the afternoon before. He also showed them a video message he had received later that night from Shelby. She was in the park with Anna, one of Shelby's two best friends, who had apparently forgotten to mention that had been there with Shelby.

'Can you believe that?' Elliot sighed as they reached the car. 'Having sex on the back stairwell while her family and friends were inside?'

She laughed and quipped 'We were all young once El!'

He scratched the back of his head and looked at her over the roof of the car when he said, 'I guess I was never young then ...'

He got into the car and she paused briefly before doing the same. Of course he had never had sex on a stairwell. He was a kid when he got married and she really couldn't picture him and Kathy doing anything really adventurous. Although he did have five kids with her, so obviously, there was something there. You don't get kids by sleeping in separate bedrooms. And Eli certainly would not have been conceived if there wasn't some kind of spark between them. She sighed while sitting down behind the steering wheel. She did not want to think about her partner's sex life. At all.

...

Anna gave them yet another surprise when they caught her literally in the act with Doug. _So much for being every mother's dream_ , she thought. They took them down to the station and each interrogated one of them. Both were now under suspicion but both would not admit to anything. Olivia finished up first and after a while, Elliot joined her outside the interrogation rooms.

'Doug's lying', he told her.

'Well, I like Anna for it El,' she replied. 'Girls can do crazy things when they're pushed.'

Standing closer to her, he said, 'When a woman cheats on her man, he can blow a gasket.'

Cragen walked in, asking about the second boyfriend. The DNA was a match but his alibi checked out, so Shelby wasn't raped after all. The fluids were from the quicky she had in the stairwell. She saw Elliot rub the back of his neck again from the corner of her eye and didn't look at him. Why on earth would that make him uncomfortable anyway? They dealt with much kinkier stuff in their line of work. The thought occurred to her that he might be thinking about her half-admission that she had, at one time, done the same thing as the happy couple. She pushed it out of her mind quickly though as they went back to work with their suspects.

They took a break to freshen up a little and she wasn't surprised when he followed her up to the cribs. After washing her face and hands she put some fresh deodorant on and put the can back in her locker. She leaned against her locker while Elliot copied her actions. She watched as he pulled his shirt up a little so he could spray the deodorant on and swallowed when she saw his abdominal muscles stretch. He put the can away and tucked his shirt back in, apparently unaware that she was looking at him.

'Hey Liv, you ever do something crazy because you were pushed?' he asked, referring to her earlier comment. He closed his locker and leaned against it with one arm, and finally looked at her.

Actually, she had done lots of things when she was young. Acting out was a way of expressing herself and to feel alive, away from her mother's mental abuse. She didn't feel like sharing all that with Elliot though, especially since he seemed uncomfortable with even the idea of her getting it on in a stairwell. She shared one small incident with him to satisfy his curiosity.

'I punched a girl after school once, after slashing the tires of her car,' she admitted.

'Really? What did she do to piss you off?'

'She seduced my boyfriend while he was on his way to see me.'

'Oops,' Elliot chuckled.

'Yeah, he never came. In every sense of the word.' she added dryly. She could swear she could see him blushing a little before turning away from her.

...

The case took them in a completely different direction and they were now questioning Josie, an eleven-year old girl living with a street family, who had pawned Shelby's earring. She wasn't talking at all though. Since she hadn't eaten in two days, Cragen told them to try and get to her with food. It didn't feel right to try and bribe a young girl but once they got into it, they were actually having fun. They piled all the food on the table in the interrogation room and started digging in. Elliot started with a pizza and Olivia with dessert. She went all out on the chocolate syrup and he handed her the sprinkles. He watched her eat and stopped chewing when she slowly licked some ice cream and chocolate from her lips.

'How is it?' he asked, grinning widely and making sure Josie was listening.

'Delicious,' she replied with her mouth full.

Then she asked Josie if she wanted something. They finally got her to talk and soon found out they should be looking for Cole, the 'father' of the street family. After Josie was taken to a shelter, they decided to finish their meal before heading out again to find Cole.

'Can I have some pizza too?' she asked him. He handed her one of the boxes and watched her take a bite. She closed her eyes for a moment, enjoying the warm, full flavor of the pizza after the cold, sweet ice cream she had eaten before. When she opened her eyes again, Elliot was still looking at her. She raised an eyebrow, sending him a question with her eyes. He looked down at his own pizza, or what was left of it, and started eating too.

They finished quickly and cleaned up before heading out again to find Cole. When they put on their coats, Elliot motioned to her that she had something on her face. She turned to him and asked where. He pointed to the corner of her mouth.

'Here,' he said. 'Let me just ...'

Her heart skipped a beat when he wiped the droplet of chocolate syrup off gently with his finger and then put the finger in his mouth to lick it off. He had touched her lip briefly and that simple touch had caused goosebumps to break out in her neck and all over her arms. It looked like his eyes were a shade darker and he was still looking at her mouth.

'Is there any more?' she asked, relieved that her voice didn't sound too shaky. She willed herself not to think _anything_ at that moment.

He moved his face a little closer to hers while placing his forefinger under her chin to tilt her head up and then to both sides. He pretended to study her face carefully but she could see the amusement in his eyes. She laughed and flicked his hand away with hers.

'You prick,' she mumbled, still smiling and relieved that the uncomfortable moment had passed. She shook it off. _Focus on the case, Benson. We have a job to do - nothing more._

...

Cole was nowhere to be found and Josie also turned up missing. They did find the 'mother' of the street family, Cassidy, who was completely panicking. She was certain Cole would kill the girl because she had spoken with the police. Just then, Fin told them Josie had turned up dead. Her eyes were gauged out and her cheeks were slit from ear to ear. Elliot forced Cassidy to look at the girl's body at the morgue and Olivia glanced at him from across the table. His face didn't show any emotion but she was certain he was feeling something underneath his stone cold exterior. Josie had only been a few years younger than his youngest daughter and she had seen something in his eyes when they interrogated the girl that she could only describe as caring. Cassidy threw up but still said she didn't know where Cole could be. He lost his temper then and scolded her for not taking care of her daughter and not standing up for her now. She could feel the heat radiating off him when he yelled at Cassidy and stood back while he tried to get the 'mother' to talk. When Casey Novak confronted Cassidy with the short stories Josie had written about her family, she finally gave up the location of more people Cole had killed, and the location where he might be, in exchange for a deal.

Once they found Cole, Elliot got into a heated argument with him about fatherhood. Olivia had watched them from behind the mirrored glass. A few things the man said had apparently stuck in his mind, and later on, after Cole had been booked, he asked her about it.

'Liv.'

She looked up from her paperwork.

'Do you think it's true, that in our society we are drones who work 'McJobs' and we aren't really free? And that we lock up our kids so they can't be themselves either?'

He was looking very serious and she blew out a breath slowly.

'Wow, he really got to you in there, didn't he?' She put down her pen and leaned forward. 'Do you think it's true?'

'I don't know, I ... You know, we have this view of the world, based on our own experiences and what we've been taught. But other people have different experiences and have been taught different things. Who's to say we are always right and they are always wrong?'

She didn't really know how to answer that question. It felt like he was addressing something universal. Who decides what is wrong and what is right? She thought he had his religion to answer those kinds of questions so she finally replied, 'I guess you should use the Bible to answer that.'

He nodded slowly, leaning back in his chair, hands folded in front of him in his lap and staring at the pictures on his desk.

'The Bible doesn't always give us clear-cut answers to our questions. It is a book of principles, the biggest principle being we should always act out of love.'

He looked at her now and she leaned back as well, almost as if she was trying to create some more distance between them.

'A lot of people will argue that what they did was out of love, even if we consider it criminal or immoral,' she mused.

'Right. So who is right? What is really criminal or immoral? Do we judge the act or the thought behind the act?'

She couldn't believe it was Elliot saying these things. He had always been hell-bent on upholding the law. The law was their beacon in this job and wrong was wrong, regardless of someone's intentions. He could not start questioning that fundamental part of what they did, or he would not be able to do his job anymore. She needed to give him something to hold on to.

'Elliot, we can only judge the act,' she told him. 'We can never be really sure about the intention behind it anyway. Maybe it should matter why people do what they do, but in the end we can only really respond to the visible act. And if that is against the law, it is wrong.'

He was thinking about it again. She could see conflicting emotions in his eyes and she couldn't help wondering if there was something more on his mind. Something he wasn't saying. She wasn't sure if she should ask him about it. They didn't usually talk about the heavy stuff, other than in general like they had up until now. His eyes met hers again and she could see sadness in them now. It was the same sadness she had seen when he had told her he wasn't sure he would have married Kathy if he had not gotten her pregnant. She felt a knot forming in her stomach. What was he really thinking about? What were these questions about wrong and right, and about acting out of love? Wasn't he the one who always acted out of duty and responsibility?

Then he nodded. 'Yes. The law. We can only follow the law.'

He got up to get his coat and told her he was going home. She watched him leave. He was bound by the law. They both were. In more ways than one.

...


	3. Signature

**"Signature"**

Cragen was sending him away to Montreal with Fin to get a suspect extradited. He would be gone several days and Kathy was pissed. Again.  
He had made the wise move not to let her know over the phone but had gone home to explain things to her. Kathy was going on about how she had trouble handling the baby alone and how he wasn't even a month old, and the guilt trip was working. This is what it had been for years. It was the reason she had kicked him out before and the reason she had taken a break at her mother's several times over the years. He wondered if she had really expected things to change when she asked him to come back but he didn't ask her. He knew what she would say - no yell - beforehand. Maybe it would not have been so stressful for her if he had not come back home. That way she would know he wasn't going to be there and they wouldn't argue about it all the time. But he was definitely not going to say that out loud.

'Who are you going with anyway?' he heard her snap.

'Fin.'

'Oh.'

She seemed relieved and he felt a pang of guilt in his gut. She was relieved he wasn't going away for a few days with Olivia. While he didn't mind going with Fin, he would have preferred to go with Olivia but it wasn't up to him. The Captain had decided to pair Olivia up with Lake for the time being, so he could see her work. Elliot agreed that working with Olivia would be educational for Lake. She was amazing with the victims and could latch on to a case like a pit bull. Lake struck him as somewhat slow so he could definitely learn a thing or two from his partner.

'So, when are you leaving?' he heard his wife ask, her voice tired and resigned.

'Sunday night. I'm home all weekend.'

'You're not on call this weekend?'

She was genuinely surprised now and he glanced at her.

'No, but I'll try to stay out of your way,' he joked and that finally got her to smile. He really didn't want her to be miserable. She was a good mother and she was just doing her best to keep their household running smoothly. He offered to make her some tea while she nursed the baby and she gave him a peck on the cheek. She had to know he was trying, too.

...

The Canadians took their time getting ready to hand over their suspect, and he and Fin got to see more of Montreal than they had expected. They found a nice bar near their hotel where they spent a few evenings after working hours. They both couldn't wait to get back to New York though. This might be part of their job, but it wasn't a part they really enjoyed. He did feel that they were getting a bit closer. He and Fin were both hotheads at times and they never spent any time together away from the job. They would never be friends and they had both accepted that, but spending this week together and talking about life, their job, family and sports had given them a new sense of respect for each other. When Fin mentioned Lake, Elliot suggested texting Olivia to ask her how Lake was doing without Fin. It was Thursday night and they were at their new favourite bar again. He had been away for four days now and he actually welcomed the pretext to contact Olivia. He knew he shouldn't need a pretext and he knew he shouldn't need to contact her but he pushed those thoughts aside. Fin was curious too what Olivia would say about working with Lake so he sent the text.

She called him five minutes later.

'Hey Liv, is it that bad, that you have to call to tell us?'

He winked at Fin and Fin smirked. He heard her sigh at the other end of the line and the smile disappeared from his face.

'Liv? Something wrong?'

'El, this is some case we are working here. We had a special agent from the FBI working with us to find a serial killer. Turns out that the agent killed the serial killer herself!'

He could sense that she was very troubled and asked her what her read on the agent was.

'You know, I get it. I get her. The man was scum and he deserved to die. But she won't get away with this. Casey is going after her, even after the EADA dropped the case.'

'Well, she should. The law, remember?' He reminded her of the conversation they had had about right and wrong. 'We can't go around playing judge, jury and executioner. You know that. Why did they drop the case anyway. No evidence?'

She told him she wasn't sure. Something about no jury was going to convict her because of what the man had done to his 24 victims. Casey had been very upset about it.

'Yeah, and rightly so Liv. You know that, don't you?'

He wished he was in New York right now to talk to Olivia in person. He guessed she had connected with the FBI agent on some level. Otherwise, this would not have been so disturbing for her. He told her they would be returning the next day. Their suspect would finally be released into their custody on Friday and they would fly back in the afternoon.

'That's great El, I'll see you on Monday then,' she said and her voice sounded tired an distant. He was really feeling the miles that were between them and wished he was closer to her. He couldn't get a proper read on her like this.

Fin made a gesture with his hands, asking him without words what was going on. He remembered he should ask her about Fin's partner so he asked her if Lake had been any help to her. She said he was doing fine and he sensed that she really didn't feel like chatting.

'Fin, she says Lake is doing fine,' he told his companion, at he same time letting Olivia know that Fin was there too. Olivia asked him to say hi to Fin for her and then ended the call.

Elliot frowned and looked at his phone before putting it down on the table in front of him. Fin suggested she might have company but Elliot knew better. She wouldn't have called if she had company. She was sitting on her couch, probably with a glass on wine, completely overthinking the case. She wouldn't sleep tonight. And now he probably wouldn't either. If they had worked this case together, he would be at her place by now, bringing take out and taking her mind off of things. It was what they did. They were the best at not talking about things. It was their understanding. Later that night, in his hotel room, he was lying on his back in the lumpy bed, listening to the night sounds of Montreal. He looked at the clock by his bedside. It read 2.33. He sent her a text.

 _'You can't fix everything. Don't forget to take care of yourself. El.'_

She replied within minutes and he smiled. Suddenly, they weren't that far apart anymore.

 _'Stop reading my mind and get some sleep. Liv.'_

He was thinking about what to text her back and noticed that his finger was tracing her name on the screen. He realized with a shock that he hadn't even called Kathy except on the first morning, to let her know they had arrived safely. She wouldn't appreciate him calling in the middle of the night but he made a mental note to call her in the morning to let her know he would be back that night. He texted Olivia a simple _'You too'_ and turned on his side to try and get some sleep at last.

...

They had taken their prisoner to Rikers and both Fin and Elliot decided to drop by the station before going home. It was past 7 pm but he was surprised that Olivia wasn't there. She usually stayed long, especially when he wasn't there. He went to the Captain's office to ask him where she was. Cragen welcomed him back and leaned back in his seat, obviously very tired.

'Tough day Captain?' he asked.

'You could say that. In fact, it's been a tough week. I sent Olivia and Lake home early after taking their statements.'

'Statements? I'm not following,' Elliot said, suddenly worried about something big he had obviously not been informed of.

'Oh, you haven't heard yet. We had a special agent from the FBI working with us this week and she ...'

'Yes, I'm aware of that,' Elliot interrupted. 'She killed a perp.'

Cragen nodded. 'And today, agent Cooper killed herself. Shot herself through the head in front of Lake and Olivia,' he said quietly.

He took a deep breath, realizing that Olivia would be even more upset now than the night before. Witnessing a suicide was always horrific, possible traumatizing, but seeing someone she knew do it? He could only imagine her state of mind right now.

Cragen had watched him while he took in the information and nodded again, silently letting him know he should go see his partner.

'Thanks Captain. I'll see you Monday.'

...

He had knocked twice already. He knew she was in there. He was tempted to use his key but decided against it. It should be her call to let him in. He knocked again and waited. He was about to call her cell phone when he heard her unbolting the door. She opened it and turned back towards the living room without looking at him. He entered and closed the door behind him. He took his coat off and put it on the rack by her door and followed her. Her back was still turned to him and she hadn't said a word.

Gently, he placed a hand on her shoulder. She sighed and then turned around slowly. The instant he saw her tear-stained face, he pulled her against his chest, enveloping her in his strong arms. He could feel her tense up, then slowly relax a little when she put her hands around his waist. And then she tensed up again, taking deep breaths. He knew she was desperately trying not to cry. And he knew it wouldn't do any good to tell her it was alright. She would not cry in front of him. She kept her face turned away from him. He rubbed the back of her head gently with his cheek and waited. Gradually, she got a hold of herself, and when she started to move away from him, he released her immediately. She sat down on the couch and he sat down next to her, leaving a safe distance between them of about two feet.

'You wanna talk about it?' he asked.

She shook her head. 'No,' she whispered. It was the first word she had said since he had arrived at her apartment. She finally looked at him and he could see in her eyes that she _needed_ to talk about it. She just didn't want to. Not with him anyway. Or not yet.

'Is there anything I can do for you?' he tried again. She was giving him a helpless look. What could he do? It wasn't going to change anything. She would have to deal with this on her own anyway. He couldn't erase the images that had been imprinted in her brain. He couldn't take away the nightmares she would have about it, or the sleepless nights. All he could really do was be there. She didn't say anything.

'Do you want me to stay?' he asked quietly, hoping she would understand what he meant, and what he didn't mean. She was leaning forward, elbows on her knees and her eyes fixed on a magazine on her coffee table. She was biting her lower lip and he could not read her right now. Then she nodded slightly, barely visible but he saw it.

He got up and walked to her bedroom to get a blanket. She followed his movements with her eyes. He sat back down on the far end of the couch and motioned her to move over to him. He leaned back against the armrest, putting one arm on the back of the couch and she scooted over. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to his chest, where she rested her head. She pulled her legs up on the couch and he put the blanket over her. They didn't speak. She closed her eyes and he just held her.

'Shouldn't you be home by now?' she asked softly after a few minutes.

'No. Just try to rest Liv.'

He had forgotten to call Kathy that morning. She didn't know that he was back and she hadn't called him. Right now, this was where he should be. His partner needed him and he would have her back. She was relaxing a little again and he did as well when her breathing started evening out. She shouldn't be alone now and he wouldn't leave unless she asked him to.

He must have nodded off but he jolted awake when Olivia made a sudden movement. She had lifted her head and was looking at him. She seemed surprised to see him.

'Hey. Bad dream?' he asked her softly.

'Yeah,' she sighed and leaned her head against his chest again. 'Thanks for staying El.'

'No problem.'

She was silent for a while and then spoke again.

'I went at her hard when I interrogated her. I didn't want to. It was all an act to get a confession.'

'It usually is an act when we interrogate suspects, isn't it? We do our jobs. You shouldn't feel guilty about that.'

He knew she did. It was one of the tough parts of the job, to take someone down when you actually sympathise with them. He reminded her again of their conversation about right and wrong. She knew only too well that it applied to this case.

'I know El. I can't condone what she did ... but I understand it.'

He pulled her closer to him unconsciously. 'So do I Liv.'

They lay together in silence and he thought she had fallen asleep again. Then he felt something warm on his chest and he realized it was from a few tears that had managed to get away from her. He lifted his head to look at her but she wouldn't look at him. After a while, she spoke again.

'She asked me if I ever wanted to put a gun to some bastard who raped a two-year old.'

'What did you say?'

'I told her I have too much to lose.'

Her words warmed his heart. He worried about her sometimes because she was out there all alone. It made him look out for her beyond the call of duty, just like he was doing right now. She didn't have any family but she still felt she had a life worth living. He knew her job meant a lot to her but he also knew he had a place in her life. Not just as her partner on the job but also as a friend. He was going to leave soon and go back to the house where his family was expecting him. But he was still an important part of her life, just like she was an important part of his. Lying here together, just comforting each other without a lot of words, underlined their special connection. No matter what happened, they had each others' backs - always. They would not throw away their lives like Lauren Cooper had. They had too much to lose.

...


	4. Inconceivable

**"Inconceivable"**

She looked at the man lying next to her. He was sleeping. His breathing was slow, regular, relaxing. There was no drama with this man. He was kind, gentle, considerate and honest. He wasn't put off by her job and not overly interested either. She could find no fault in this man.

He had asked her to stay several times already. Still, after lying awake for a while she got up to get dressed and go home. She didn't stay and she wasn't sure when she would be ready to stay. There was nothing wrong with him, so it must be her. She looked at his sleeping form once more before leaving his apartment quietly.

They had bumped into each other at a press conference once, and later again at a fund raiser. He had asked for her phone number then and she had been pleasantly surprised that he had actually called a few days later. They had started dating and spent New Year's Eve together. He turned out to be great company. As a newspaper editor, he was very well-informed and a lot of subjects interested him. They never ran out of topics to discuss and she was never bored when she was with him. He didn't ask about her on-going investigations and after a few weeks, when he had asked her to come up with him for a night cap, she had said yes. Why wouldn't she say yes?

But she never stayed. She was too independent, she told herself. Besides, she might get called out on a case, and he _was_ a newspaper editor. It was not wise to stay. So she told herself.

...

This was one of the worst cases ever. Not because she had to deal with a traumatized victim. Not because of horrific crime scene photos. No, this was striking a raw nerve. It was bringing up her worst fear in life: ending up completely alone and dying without leaving anything behind to attest that she had ever been there. When the Chief of D's had ordered them to work the case, they were left with no choice at all. They had real live victims waiting for justice but now these embryos should get their undivided attention. Unborn children, not even children yet. Frozen in time for different reasons. Extremely different reasons, they were finding out.

Some of the stories of the potential parents were heartbreaking. Olivia was trying to stay strong though. Elliot's initial reaction had annoyed her. Not everyone was as blessed as he was, having five kids 'the old fashioned way' as he had put it. He knew only too well that there were people who wanted children and could not even have one. She herself being one of them. Well, she could try with Kurt but that would mean committing to him in some way. No, in a big way. She could already picture it. He would definitely want to be in her life and she just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. Which was also why she hadn't told anyone about her new relationship. Not even Elliot. Especially not Elliot.

While they worked the case, he noticed her uneasiness, of course. He tried to be understanding but that annoyed her even more. She was well aware of the fact that her biological clock was ticking and she didn't need him - or this case - to remind her. After a visit to a couple that had been giving their handicapped eight-year old daughter fertility treatments so the mother could carry her own grandchild, she was pissed. The case was getting on her nerves as it was, but this was ridiculous.

'Who are you calling?' Elliot asked when they walked to their car.

'Children's Services.'

'Don't,' he sighed and he tried to convince her that under the circumstances, the parents were just trying to do what was best for their child. 'Parents have to make hard choices. Now ... this last pregnancy, Kathy was over forty. It makes for a much higher risk. Things like Down Syndrome ... '

'And you know what?' she cut him off, 'Eli turned out perfect so spare me the perils of women over forty having babies.'

She turned around, knowing that he knew she was hurting. She wasn't getting any younger, surely he had noticed that. She got into the car and hoped he would just drop the subject. But she knew he wouldn't. He got into the car as well and said softly,

'You know you'd make a great mom.'

'Oh my God, I'm not having this conversation!' she sighed.

'You're great with kids,' he pressed on. She knew that. She loved kids. She looked out the window, trying to ignore the knot in her stomach. Elliot was the last person she wanted to talk to about her desire to have children. It made it all the more painful and she felt her chest constricting as she tried to push away the thoughts that were surfacing - again - about him. She was relieved when he started the car but he still couldn't leave it alone.

'Look, maybe you should start thinking about having kids, and any way you wanna do it, I'll support you.'

What was that supposed to mean? She definitely didn't want to have this conversation.

'Elliot, do me a favor?'

'Yeah?'

'Shut up and drive!'

He complied and she took a slow deep breath, willing the tears away that had been trying to form. She did not want to think about Elliot supporting her in any way to have a baby. Kathy would explode. He wasn't there for his own family enough, so why would he even consider supporting hers? He was wise enough not to mention it again during their drive back to the station and she tried to focus on the case. Cragen would want an update before everyone wrapped up for the day and they really needed a solid lead, fast.

Later, she walked up to the case board where the others were already summarizing the day's results.

'Liv! If you're in the market, you could do worse than donor 1029.' Munch said when he saw her walking over.

She looked at Elliot and told him, 'You're an idiot,' before marching out.

She was not interested in the briefing anymore and left, feeling a little nauseous. How could he have talked about this with the others? She hardly ever shared her personal life with anyone on the job, not even with him. He knew that, so why would he blab about it? Of all things, this was one of the most personal issues she had. And him having such a big family 'the old fashioned way' was only rubbing it in. He was aware of all that, she was certain of it. So he couldn't have said anything to the guys. He wouldn't.

She was almost home when she got a call from Eva Sinsel, one of the people with missing embryos, asking to meet her. Sighing, she turned around to walk back to the subway station. This woman was now infertile due to chemo therapy. Unlike Eva, at least she still had a chance.

...

Kurt was sleeping, his arm draped over her stomach. His regular breathing always calmed her down but she didn't fall asleep. Some of the things Eva had said, were stuck in her mind.

 _'Do you have kids?'_

 _'Ehm, no. No.'_

 _'Don't you want them?'_

 _'I ... Yes, I do. Very much.'_

 _'Then what are you waiting for?'_

What was she waiting for? She stared at the ceiling of Kurt's bedroom. It was past 1 am but she was wide awake. What was she waiting for? She had applied for adoption a while ago but they had turned her down. She had felt shattered. Finding a man willing to get her pregnant was an option but she worried that the man would want to be involved. She glanced at Kurt again He was sleeping peacefully. He had a full life and she couldn't imagine him being happy with a crying, drooling baby that would disrupt his routine completely. He had feelings for her, she knew that. He mumbled the sweetest things when they were having sex. But at his age, _their_ age, surely having kids would be the furthest from his mind. Still, she wanted to have them. Or at least one. Would she want Kurt to be the father? Or should she just go to a clinic, like Eva had? Her thoughts drifted to Elliot again. He was a family man, all the way. And he had offered to support her. But she could not put that on him and his eternally strained marriage. In the end, she would have to do it alone. And that would be very difficult with her job and no family to help out.

What was she waiting for? Deep down, she knew the real answer to that question. She didn't really want to be a single parent. She was waiting for the right man to have a family with, together. She slowly got up and slipped out of bed, making sure not to wake Kurt. The right man? So far, she had not found him. Nobody was a match to the one man in her life that she couldn't have. The man who would finally help her forget about _him_ and let _him_ go, would be the right man. She looked at the man sleeping in the bed she had just left. So far, he had not helped her forget him.

...

When she came in the next morning, carrying just one cup of coffee and trying to ignore Elliot, he walked over to her right away and wanted to talk about Munch's comment. She wasn't in the mood to talk about it again with him, and told him to just drop it.

After arresting the receptionist of the fertility clinic, the woman pointed them to James and Victoria Grall of the Values Defence League. They picked them up in the middle of a live television broadcast. She was getting really angry with the holier-than-thow attitude of these people and was glad to have Elliot there with her in the interrogation room. He knew exactly when to step in and she was actually relieved to see him getting just as passionate about getting the embryos back as she was. They should have been returned already but something had gone seriously wrong with the delivery service. They raced after the delivery truck only to find the cryo tank too late. All the liquid nitrogen had already evaporated and all the embryos were lost.

Olivia couldn't believe it. The hopes and dreams of so many people had literally evaporated with the liquid nitrogen. She looked at Elliot, who was looking at her, and then back at the cryo tank. They were too late. Time had run out for these babies and it had been completely unnecessary.

...

Kurt noticed something was up but she wasn't about to explain it to him. She could tell he was a little frustrated that she wouldn't let him in but she couldn't help it. She enjoyed his company and his body but she just couldn't seem to open herself up to him any further. He knew better than to ask her about the upcoming trial of the Gralls. He did ask if the case had been personal on some level for her. He wasn't stupid. They were having drinks at a bar near his place and she was just staring at her drink, turning the glass around and around in her hands.

'No,' she finally answered. 'I just really feel for one of the women who will never have a baby of her own now. She's devastated. It's sad really, she suddenly ran out of time.'

Kurt looked at her attentively. She knew what he was about to ask and she didn't want to hear it. So she downed her drink quickly, got up from her barstool and leaned against him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

'You wanna get out of here?' she asked before kissing him softly on the lips. She saw a hint of disappointment in his eyes that she was dodging his question even before he had asked it, but she knew he could not say no to her. He gave her a small smile and nodded. She kissed him again and closed her eyes, drifting off to a little fantasy land that was all her own. That seemed to happen more often lately. He still could not make her forget.

...

James Grall was killed right after their arraignment and they had video of the killer chatting with Victoria Grall just minutes before the shooting. However, she didn't know the man and the doctor at the fertility had already told them the man was not one of his clients. After talking with Victoria they were discussing the case while waiting for the elevator in the Gralls' building to come up.

'You gotta know I didn't say anything to the guys about you wanting a baby, I mean ... that was Munch being Munch.'

He was bringing it up again. _Please, not again._

'El ...'

'No, I understand. Your biological clock is ticking.'

She stared at him, daring him to say more.

'I'm gonna shut up,' he sighed.

She knew he meant well. In the end, with all his temper and his lack of tact, he always meant well. And she trusted him. She knew he wouldn't talk about these things with the others. So she decided to tell him.

'Elliot, a few months ago I looked into adoption.'

His face lit up. 'That's great!'

'They turned me down.'

'What are you talking about?'

'Well, I'm single, I don't have an extended family support system, I work all hours. They didn't see me as prime parent material.'

She was holding back tears now as a lump started forming in her throat. She was almost regretting telling him about it at all. But the look in his eyes was so sympathetic, so caring, and it was good to tell someone. So she didn't regret telling him after all.

'They're wrong.'

She knew they were wrong, but the way he said it made her really believe it. She would be a great parent.

...

At the end of the day, they were arresting a grieving widower. His wife had been killed in Iraq, serving her country. She had her eggs frozen so if anything like this happened, they would still be able to have a child. 'Somebody who would carry on her memory. Somebody who would care, somebody who'd know she died a hero.'

Elliot explained to him that the jury would understand what he had gone through, but he was still going to have to do time.

'Doesn't matter,' he said. 'My time already ran out.'

His words still echoed in her mind when she went home that evening. She had heard the phrase way too often over the past week. Kurt called but she didn't feel like seeing him tonight. She was just going to wallow a little and go to bed early. She knew she was pushing him away but she couldn't help it.  
Then there was a knock on the door. She smiled, knowing who it was. There was no pushing him away. He wouldn't let her.

'I'm on my way home but I thought I'd check in with you first. You okay?' Elliot asked.

She nodded. He sat down beside her on the couch.

'Please don't keep bringing this up El, that's not why I told you. I'm fine.'

'Sure you are.'

She smiled and bumped her shoulder against his.

'Alright, I _will_ be fine.'

He nodded and smiled, obviously appreciating her honestly.

'Maybe things will change Olivia. You don't have to do everything alone. Any guy would be crazy not to see what you have to offer.'

She laughed out loud now.

'I'm not so sure about that. Besides, I don't want just any guy.'

The words lingered between them, and the longer they were silent, the more they seemed to increase in meaning. Elliot finally broke the silence when he said,

'No, just any guy wouldn't do. You deserve only the best Liv. It has to be the right guy.'

It was weird to discuss this with him but it also felt right. She trusted him, she felt safe with him, and she trusted his judgement.

'That why you keep chasing my dates away? Because they are not the right guy?' she joked.

His reply was dead serious.

'Absolutely.'

...


	5. Undercover

**I am not getting a lot of responses to this story so far.  
Maybe it's because of the excruciatingly slow pace of it? I am trying to write it along with the actual show so it _has_ to be slow - right? I want to make it believable that the extra scenes may actually have happened. At some point I will have to deviate from the show, because our favourite couple will 'develop' into something ... I hope you'll all continue to read?  
Please leave a review every now and then to let me know what you think!**

...

 **"Undercover"**

He didn't like it. Not one bit. She was going undercover without him. Sure, Fin would be there but it wasn't the same. He knew why she wanted to do it. Why she always wanted to go all out for the victims. She was appalled at any abuse of power. And this prison guard was certainly abusing his. The warden at the prison had showed him their camera system, which was supposed to record every move of every CO in there. Still, they had found more reports of rape inside the prison so there had to be areas that weren't covered by the cameras. And Olivia was going to walk straight into the danger.

He was feeling guilty. His visit, posing as an attorney for Ashley's mother Risa, had landed the woman in solitary confinement. And now Olivia had taken it upon herself to unmask the prick that was abusing his power at the women's prison by going in. Without the warden or anyone else knowing about it. She would be a regular inmate. A beautiful one at that. Clear bait for any pervert walking around in there. He had wanted to go in too, but too many people had already seen his face during his earlier visit, including the warden. And the warden was not to know because she would not go along with it. He also felt guilty about that, knowing it had been his little sharade that had annoyed the warden.

He was pacing in the hallway outside her apartment. He wanted to talk to her, tell her to be careful. But she knew all that. She knew exactly what to do and how to reach them in case of emergency. So what was he doing here?

'What are you doing here?'

He looked up. She had opened her door, apparently aware that he was there, and did not seem very happy to see him. He smiled shyly.

'Just came to see my partner off. Is that a crime?'

She ushered him in while she continued getting ready to leave. She had taken off most of her makeup, her hair hadn't been washed and she was in old clothes. She was just looking for some worn shoes to complete her shabby look.

'I know my profile El,' she shouted from the bedroom. 'I've been over it with Huang a thousand times. I'll be fine!'

She came back into the living room with a pair of sneakers and sat down on the couch to put them on.

'If you wanna drive me to my so-called attorney, fine. But after that, you need to back off.'

He knew that. And he knew why she was telling him anyway. They knew each other too well.

...

She was in. He was lying awake, listening to his wife's regular breathing next to him. Eli would be waking up soon to be fed and he still hadn't slept a wink. He was worried about Olivia and it was frustrating not to have any way to contact her. He got up, careful not to wake Kathy, and walked downstairs. He grabbed a beer and walked over to the window. The moon was out and he looked up at it. The moon was with her too and he silently prayed that she would be okay. That she would be sleeping peacefully and no harm would come to her tonight.

...

Risa was dead. They said she had hung herself but Ashley wasn't buying it, and after he spoke with her, neither was he. She showed him the last letter her mother had sent her. It had been delivered after her death. She had clearly looked forward to seeing her daughter again. Melinda Warner pulled the autopsy report and came to the same conclusion. Risa was strangled and then strung up to make it look like a suicide. The local ME refused to re-examine the body because he didn't want to make waves, the prison being the largest employer in the county. Politics. He hated it.

...

Olivia managed to get a message through to them via Fin, to check out one of the guards. Fin couldn't say much except that Olivia was having a hard time playing a submissive inmate. That didn't surprise anyone. They found out that the guard was heavily into hard-core porn and reasoned that someone who needed that much smut wasn't getting it any other way and might be raping inmates. He had worked at six other prisons, all for women. Before any of them could work up the nerve to report him, he would already have moved on. Risa did have nerve and she was killed, Elliot said. He had heard enough and told the Captain they should get Olivia out of there.

'If she wants out, all she has to do is tell Fin,' the Captain replied.

Elliot knew he was right and would just have to trust Olivia to speak up in time. Meanwhile, Ashley was back in the hospital with Multi Drug Resistant TB, a very aggressive strain of the disease, deadly in the advanced stages. Melinda told him that anyone who had been in contact with Ashley, including Olivia, would have to be tested. Elliot told her she wasn't available because she was undercover at Sealview.

'I wish you had told me that. She shouldn't be in there. CDC has six confirmed cases of MDR-TB at Sealview.'

In fact they were locking Sealview down that very moment, to test all the guards and inmates. If Ashley was infected by the guard that raped her, they would find him. Elliot asked if he could get Olivia out first, but it was too late. Nobody was getting in or out now. He called Fin immediately, walking out of the hospital and ignoring Melinda when she told him he couldn't leave before being tested.

'Can you talk?' he asked Fin.

'Yeah, but not for long.'

'Grab Liv, get out of there.'

'Can't. We're on lock-down,' Fin told him.

'Out yourself to the warden!' Elliot insisted.

Just then, Fin was interrupted and called to get in line to be tested, so they had to cut their conversation short.

'Don't worry, I'll take care of it baby. Love you too.' Fin said.

...

Somehow, Elliot wasn't reassured. He had rushed back to the station but he had really wanted to get a SWAT team and go over to the prison himself. He felt completely powerless. This lock-down could take days and God knows what might happen in those days. He was supposed to have her back. He could kick himself for not being there. He knew Olivia could handle herself but she would be no match for an armed guard trying to take advantage of the lock-down. He tried to distract himself and pulled up some more background information on the other guards and the captain. He noticed that the captain had worked in eleven different prisons over the course of seventeen years.

He was going to tell Cragen when he got a call. It was Fin, letting him know they were coming in with a suspect: Captain Harris. He took a deep breath, feeling the relief wash over him. She was out. But his breath hitched when Fin added that Harris had attacked Olivia.

'How is she?' he asked, suddenly worried again.

Fin hesitated and he guessed that Olivia was right there with him. She wouldn't want Fin to tell him she wasn't 'fine' so he understood when Fin said they would be at the house in ten minutes. He was shocked when he saw her. Her neck was bruised, her left cheek was as well and she seemed to have some difficulty walking. She didn't look at him at all and walked straight to the cribs while Fin pushed Harris into an interrogation room.

When Fin came back out, he asked him what had happened. Fin told him Olivia had not given him any specifics, but when he got there, she had been sitting on the floor, handcuffed to a door and Harris was standing in front of her with his pants down. Elliot clenched his fists and swallowed hard.

'Did he...?'

'I don't know man, she wouldn't say.'

He wanted to follow her to the cribs but she was probably changing her clothes. Melinda came in with a doctor's bag and she headed straight for the cribs. Elliot stopped her and asked what she was doing there.

'Olivia asked me to come,' she said, begging him with her eyes not to ask any more questions. His heart was pounding in his chest now. He didn't have to ask why Olivia had asked for Melinda. She wanted to be checked for traces of DNA but not at a hospital. He rubbed his face with both hands and turned away from the ME. He wanted to hit something, or someone. He looked at Harris through the mirrored glass. He wanted to wipe the smug look off his face but he knew he should not go in there right now. He went up to the roof in stead to try and clear his head. If she had been raped, he would never forgive himself. He stayed on the roof in the cold until he felt his blood pressure had gone down far enough.

When he came back downstairs, Olivia had showered and changed, and was interrogating Harris. He felt she shouldn't be doing the interrogation herself but he couldn't help admiring the way she was handling it. She actually let him get in her face, literally, noses touching, without flinching. She was still standing strong and she was definitely getting to the man. He was almost disappointed when the interview was interrupted by an attorney, sent over by the corrections officers union. Both Harris and the other guard she had suspected did not have TB - so they could not have infected Ashley - and her allegations about his attempt on her life and his attempt to rape her were brushed aside. He was walking?

Elliot walked away quickly, trying to control himself while Harris left the building. If he ever came face to face with this man, he didn't know what he would do. When he came back, Olivia was sitting at her desk, staring at a picture of Harris.

'You okay?' he asked, trying not to give away how tense he was.

'Yeah, what are you still doing here?'

He sighed and leaned on her desk with his hands, trying to get her to look at him.

'Avoiding diaper duty.' It felt like a valid excuse to hang around until he could talk to her. 'Need a lift?'

'No, thanks. I'm gonna stay a while.'

'You'll get Harris,' he told her reassuringly.

'For excessive force at best,' she sighed.

He frowned, wondering what exactly she felt he should be charged with.

'But more likely, he'll be transferred and promoted,' she continued.

'Is he already back at work?'

'Yeah ...,' she nodded, finally looking at him. He could see in her eyes that she was upset about it, shocked even and he had to know what he had done to her.

She looked at the picture again and he tried to breach the subject carefully.

'What happened in the basement?'

She froze briefly and he could see her filtering in her mind what she should and shouldn't tell him. She went for 'Nothing.'

As if he would believe that. So he waited for her to continue, to tell him that it was _not_ nothing. She glanced at him and there it was again.

'I'm fine El.'

He shouldn't even have expected her to say anything else. He didn't believe it for a minute. She was _not_ fine and she didn't look fine either. He wasn't going to drop it and she knew it. Just then, her phone rang. He watched her pick up and answer the phone. He watched her get up and walk off, saying Ashley was awake and she had to go. He knew he had to let her go. Pushing her was not going to make her open up to him. On the contrary.

...

They finally had something on Harris. He wasn't sure how she had pulled it off but she had. He managed to cuff the guy without showing any emotion. Olivia was gloating a little when she read him his rights and he felt she deserved to gloat. They took him to Melinda to have pictures taken of his penis. Olivia was looking away but he couldn't resist making a comment.

'Captain huh? Looked more like a private to me.'

Melinda told them that they would have to enlarge it for the jury, but it was right where Ashley had said it was.

'See you in twenty years Captain,' Olivia said before the uniformed officer took Harris away. She smiled at Melinda and Melinda smiled back knowingly.

They walked to their car in silence. When they got in, Elliot offered to drive her home. She accepted this time, finally admitting that she needed some time off. She looked very tired and leaned her head against the headrest of the car seat. Her eyes were closed. He had not started the car yet and could not leave things like this.

'Liv?'

She opened her eyes slowly and looked at him. 'Yes?'

'How did you know to ask Ashley about the mole?'

She looked away from him.

'She remembered.'

'But you couldn't have known she was right.'

She was silent and he saw several emotions battling each other in her eyes. Then she finally spoke again.

'I saw it,' she said, her voice trembling. 'When he had me in the basement.'

He could see tension and fear and sadness in her eyes and he had to remember to keep breathing.

'Liv ... did he rape you?'

She looked at him and then away again. He was gripping the steering wheel to keep his hands from shaking while he waited for her answer. She turned her head back to look him in the eye when she whispered,

'It's as close as I've ever come.'

Was that a no? He didn't rape her? He had to be sure.

'Liv ...'

He could see she was at the brink of tears but he just had to know. She was still looking at him, waiting for him to ask his questions. She knew he needed to know.

'Why did you ask Melinda to come see you in the cribs?'

She looked down at her hands and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly again while she was thinking about his question and her answer to it.

'I needed her to take some pictures of my bruises from where he beat me with his baton and to ... to get something off my face before I showered. In case I needed more proof against him.'

She took a few rapid breaths before calming down again and his heart went out to her. She still wouldn't cry in front of him. He was taking in what she had told him and the image in his head wasn't a pretty picture. He had beaten her and he had been that close, literally in her face ... No wonder she had seen the mole.

'He didn't get off Elliot, but he was excited and he ... it hit my face. I just didn't want to wash away any traces that might contain DNA.'

She was actually trying to reassure _him_ after what she had been through, conveying between the lines that Harris had not gotten far enough to call it rape. But he had been close. Way too close. Elliot reached for her hand and she smiled at him.

'I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I should have been there ...'

'Fin was there Elliot. He stopped him. And in the end, this is how we got him.'

He squeezed her hand, realizing just how far she was willing to go for a victim. If she had to endure all that to get a rapist convicted, she would do it. He didn't know anyone more selfless than this woman. She was always giving and he couldn't help wondering when it would be her turn to receive. She surprised him when she put her other hand over his, effectively holding his hand between hers.

'Thanks El,' she said softly.

'I feel like I failed you Liv. Why would you thank me?' he replied, his voice hoarse with emotion.

'For being there for me. I know I can turn to you if I ever want to talk about it.'

She seemed vulnerable and strong at the same time. Somehow, the shift that had occurred in their partnership did not seem irreversible anymore. Or maybe they were making yet another shift. He felt like a weight was being lifted from him. From both of them. Perhaps it was because of what had happened to her. Perhaps it was just time healing old wounds. Whatever it was, she was opening up again. And he was not going to refuse her. He would never refuse her.

...

 **More?**


	6. Closet

**Hi all and thanks for reading. To the guest reviewer that wants me to upload faster: I can't write any faster! :) I hope you'll enjoy this next one.**

...

 **"Closet"**

Elliot was interrogating a young man that might have something to do with the death of an openly gay investment banker. Olivia was watching the interrogation from behind the mirrored glass. She liked to watch him work and he seemed relaxed today. She smiled. It was a good thing the boy didn't know how un-relaxed Elliot could get at times.

Melinda joined her at the window, telling her that she had a hit on the DNA of some blood traces found at the crime scene. It was Frederico Ramirez, who had been booked on assault charges six months earlier.

'You know him?' Melinda asked.

'You're looking at him,' Olivia told her and they both turned to watch the interrogation.

'So, how are you holding up?' Melinda asked.

Olivia sighed. She didn't need a reminder of her own assault.

'I'm fine Melinda.'

'Olivia, it's only been a week. Are you talking to anyone?' Melinda asked, sounding worried.

'It's been 9 days and I don't need to talk to anyone,' Olivia said, hoping she sounded annoyed enough for Melinda to drop it. She jumped when Melinda put a hand on her back.

'I think you do need to talk to someone. Don't wait too long Olivia. You know the drill.'

Melinda handed her the file with her findings and left, leaving Olivia alone with her thoughts. Why did she have to bring it up again? It had been hard enough to lie to Kurt about why she couldn't come over until her bruises had faded enough. And when she did go to see him, allowing him to touch her had been so difficult. But she wasn't going to say one word about the assault to him, so she had put on her best act and had agreed to spend the night. She had not enjoyed the sex at all but she had surprised herself. As it turned out, she was actually a great actress and Kurt was still none the wiser. She could have had a career in porn, she had told herself, smiling at her own reflexion in his bathroom mirror the next morning. He had been so happy that she had finally stayed and had asked her to consider moving in with him. But it didn't feel right. It wasn't fair to Kurt and she wasn't sure how long she would be able hold on to him. There was nothing wrong with him. It was her.

She sighed, pulling herself out of her thoughts, and joined Elliot in the interrogation room. Frederico told them that their victim had been serious about someone famous who wasn't out of the closet yet. His own alibi checked out and so did the alibi of their victim's assistant.

'So it looks like our best bet is the mystery man. Now all we have to do is find him.' Olivia summarized. They were having lunch at the station and she and Elliot were leaning on the bannister of the break room, thinking about what their next move should be.

'Would you miss your boyfriend's funeral?' Elliot asked her and she knew what he was getting at.

'Yeah. If I was famous and in the closet. How am I gonna show up crying at a gay man's grave?'

'You make sure no one else is there to see you.'

He had a good point. She pushed away the thoughts of her own sneaking around with her boyfriend and focused on the surveillance footage they had received from the cemetery.

'Stop that. Holy crap, rewind that!' Elliot said and she looked at him surprised, wondering what he had seen on the tape. Elliot recognized the man visiting their victim's grave at night.

'It's Lincoln Haver. The best quarterback in pro football!'

...

They brought Lincoln in for questioning and she could see he had really loved Jeremy. He had been with his 'girlfriend' Natasha, who he had been set up with for publicity reasons. They went to talk to the girlfriend and asked if Lincoln had stayed the night.

'Never does. Linc's a hit and run kinda guy,' Natasha told them. 'Always some lame excuse.' Olivia glanced at Elliot, knowing that he hated it that his football hero turned out to be so different than expected.

That evening, Elliot offered to drive her home. She was accepting his offer more often these days, not wanting to be out in the streets alone after dark. He never mentioned it but she knew he was aware of the change. She appreciated how respectful he was, not asking her about the assault and leaving it up to her to talk about it or not.

'I can't imagine the strain it would put on a relationship to have to sneak around like that.'

His remark startled her a little. Could he know about her and Kurt? He glanced at her but didn't seem to notice her uneasiness.

'You know, like Haver and his boyfriend.'

'Yeah,' she agreed, 'but for one of them to kill the other? I don't know. They sounded like a happy couple, even if they could only meet secretly.'

'Hm. Maybe. Could you be really happy if you couldn't tell anyone about your dream guy?'

She had to think about that. Her dream guy? If Kurt was really her dream guy, she would want her friends to know him too. But that was a different situation. Wasn't it? Elliot pulled the car up at her building and looked at her, probably wondering what she was thinking about. She really didn't know how to answer his question but he had gotten her thinking.

'Hey, dream girl,' he said softly while leaning her way slightly. She looked at him shocked.

'Wh ... what?'

'We're here. You were miles away, weren't you? Thinking about _your_ secret lover?'

Her cheeks were suddenly getting very warm and she was glad it was dark outside. She decided to laugh it off and got out of the car quickly.

'If I told you about my secret lover, he wouldn't be a secret lover anymore, now would he?' she said before closing the car door. And with that she was off. She knew he would be laughing and wouldn't know how to interpret her comment. Which was exactly her intention.

...

They forged ahead with the investigation and Melinda told them that some of the semen found at the crime scene was fresh and indeed Lincoln's, so he had gone over to see Jeremy after leaving Natasha. The murder weapon appeared to be a dumbbell bar. Before they could search Lincoln's apartment, he was beaten up outside his building. His secret was out. His agent let them know he would be filing suits against the NYPD and against both of them individually for negligence because they outed him and he got attacked a few hours later. Sportsman Larry had called Lincoln a faggot on the radio. It couldn't have been anyone other than them, the agent said. Larry was still on about it on air when they drove back to the station. There was a huge demonstration in front of the 1-6 and once inside, another surprise was waiting for them.

'What the hell did you two do!' Cragen yelled as they came in.

'Not what you think,' Olivia assured him.

'Tell that to the gay rights group picketing 1PP,' their boss said angrily.

'We never talked to Sportsman Larry,' Elliot chimed in.

'Well, somebody did. The brass is demanding a full investigation.'

'You're joking!' Elliot exclaimed.

'I wish!'

Olivia was feeling uneasy. The NYPD and the press had always had a crippled relationship. Surely, they would find her link to Kurt Moss and they too, would be outed. Cragen told them IAB was already waiting for them and she was up first. This could get ugly.

...

Tucker was having fun. There was something about that man. He always managed to get under her skin and he knew it. Today, he was gloating. He finally had something on her and he was going to use it. he handed her a piece of paper.

'We dumped your phones, detective. Do you recognise this number?'

She sighed. 'Yes.'

'In the past five days, you've called it twelve times. Who's number is it?'

'Kurt Moss.'

She explained that she and Kurt had been dating but Tucker didn't believe her. Since no one else knew about their relationship, he said she was just making it up to save her own ass. The Ledger went to press before Sportsman Larry's broadcast, and Tucker was convinced she had leaked the story to Moss, who in turn had informed their gossip columnist, so she was suspended with pay until further notice. She got up and walked out, heading straight to her desk to grab her things.

'What happened?' Elliot asked.

'Tucker took my gun and shield.'

'What the hell for?' Cragen said.

'Ask him!' she said, clearly pissed, before storming out.

When she got outside, she leaned against the precinct building to catch her breath. What a way for everyone to find out about Kurt ... and screw Tucker for even considering she would do such a thing! She realized she would be under suspicion from IAB now, as long as she was still seeing Kurt. She needed to talk to him about it. After calming down a little, she walked up to the street and hailed a cab.

...

 _Why am I not surprised_ , she thought when she got to Kurt's office. Elliot was there, talking to Kurt about her troubles. _Here we go again._

She heard him tell Kurt, 'Tell IAB Olivia wasn't the source of the leak.'

'What are you doing here!' she said, and they both turned to look at her. She could see some hesitation in Elliot's eyes, and a question as well. _Why didn't you tell me?_

'I'm trying to convince your boyfriend to give you a hand,' he replied. His voice was tense.

'I don't need help from either of you,' she said, keeping her voice down so the other people at the office would not hear them. She didn't know how to feel, seeing Elliot and Kurt together but she did not appreciate other people making decisions for her, no matter who they were.

'I think you do,' Kurt said, siding with Elliot. 'I could sign an affidavit, saying you're not the source.'

'It's not gonna work, it's not enough. They want a warm body,' she protested.

'And he can give'em one,' Elliot interjected, and turning to Kurt he added, 'Look, I'm sure you know about the skeletons in the NYPD closet? All you gotta do is remind IAB they should stay on your good side.'

Kurt smiled appreciatively at Elliot and Olivia watched the exchange between the two men in her life with some surprise.

'I'll talk to them,' Kurt agreed, and Elliot walked away, brushing past Olivia without looking at her, mumbling 'Nice meeting you.'

Olivia closed her eyes briefly. She knew he was wondering why she hadn't told him about Kurt. And Kurt was probably wondering the same thing. He asked her why she hadn't told him she was in trouble.

'I can handle it,' she replied.

'That's the problem. You're so used to taking care of yourself, that you can't let anybody else in!'

'Kurt, this isn't about us!'

He looked at her, at a loss for words. He had gotten to know her over the past months, or at least her defence mechanisms. She knew she wasn't letting him in, and she could see the frustration in his eyes.

'If you say so,' he sighed.

'If I say so? What's that supposed to mean?'

She walked over to him, trying to bridge the distance between them, but the distance wasn't physical and she knew it. Kurt had given it some thought because he surprised her with his next question. It was confronting.

'Why is it you won't move in with me?'

She couldn't look at him. It was a fair question and he deserved an answer. An honest answer. But she wasn't ready to give it. Not now, not yet. She sighed and felt defeated. She whispered, 'I gotta go.'

He looked defeated as well. He knew. He cared about her but she was not going to open up to him. She could see in his eyes that he knew it too, and she wished she could say something to make it better. He really deserved all the best. He was a good man. But she could not give him what he needed. Not now anyway. They were both aware of it now. He sighed and nodded.

'And I'll ... I'll call them, and IAB.'

She whispered thanks and was going to leave. Kurt stopped her and smiled hesitantly. She gave him a small smile and a peck on the lips. It was all she could manage. Her heart was heavy when she walked out of his office.

...

The next morning, she walked up to her desk at the station. Elliot was sitting at his, going over some paperwork.

'It worked,' she said, and Elliot looked up. 'Suspension's been lifted.'

'Your man came through!'

She looked at Elliot, knowing she needed to bridge the distance between them, too. As she set down her bag on her desk and sat down on his, she told him she was sorry she hadn't told him about Kurt. He brushed it off, telling her he was just glad she had someone. She smiled and looked down, wondering if she should tell him more. She was curious to know what Elliot thought of him but she wasn't ready to ask him for his opinion.

'Well, you could have said something,' Elliot admitted and she looked at him again, smiling warmly.

'I just wasn't ready,' she confessed. He smiled too, and she wondered if he knew how much she truly valued his opinion. He hadn't tried to scare Kurt off so maybe he thought he was a good man for her.

They were interrupted when Cragen told them to go to the hospital to arrest Lincoln Haver, who had woken up from his coma. Their victim was now a suspect again. Olivia was surprised how easily he seemed to accept that he must have killed Jeremy, even though he did not remember it. His lawyer argued brain damage due to several concussions and heavy blows to the head during his football carreer. Unfortunately for Casey, Dr Huang had to admit that there was a chance that Lincoln wasn't responsible for his actions.

...

Olivia had tried to mend fences with Kurt and they were actually enjoying being more in the open with their relationship. But she could see his frustration growing that she still wasn't opening up to him. She stayed over occasionally but more often than not, she left his apartment late at night. Sometimes they didn't see each other for a whole week. He tried to be understanding but she knew she wasn't being fair to him. Elliot would ask how things were going and she would always say they were fine. Lincoln's trial had been scheduled almost four weeks after his arrest, and two days before it started, she asked Elliot if he would join her for a drink after work. It was Saturday so he was a little surprised.

'I thought you'd want to be with your boyfriend on Saturday night,' he said while getting his coat.

'Yeah well, we spend enough time together and you and I haven't really seen each other outside of work at all lately. I don't want to be one of those people who forget all about their friends once they find a new lover!'

Elliot laughed but agreed to go with her. It had been all work for them and she couldn't help thinking he must miss hanging out with her too. They scooted into a somewhat private booth at their usual place without discussing it, both just knowing that they didn't want to be disturbed or joined by co-workers who might come in. The ordered beers and both took a few sips before they spoke.

So,' Elliot finally started. 'How are things _really_ going with you and Kurt?'

She looked at him with one eyebrow raised but he raised a finger by way of warning. 'And don't tell me you're 'fine'. I know you, remember?'

There was kindness and understanding in his eyes. He had this strange talent for making her feel safe. She wanted to confide in him but she wasn't sure if that would be uncomfortable for him. Or for her. The whole thing came down to her not opening up to Kurt but she was about to open up to Elliot. That in itself should be a warning signal. But she didn't need the warning signal to know. She had known it for a long time. She was drinking her beer in silence, feeling Elliot's eyes on her. He was studying her face and she knew he was reading all kinds of things there.

'He's not the right guy then?'

She looked at him, slightly startled that he had been so direct. He smiled, their eyes still locked.

'I can tell Olivia. You've been restless. So tell me, what's wrong with this one?'

She sighed and looked down at her beer. 'You tell me.'

Elliot was puzzled now so she would have to tell him more.

'He's been asking me to move in with him for over a month.'

Elliot nodded. 'And that is a problem because?'

'He's a newspaper editor Elliot. It's a conflict of interests.' That was plausible, wasn't it?

'You've known that from the beginning and it hasn't stopped either of you. What's changed?'

He was really going to make her say it.

'He says I'm not letting him in. And he's right.'

Elliot was silent for a while and they both drank their beers. He ordered another round and looked at her over his second bottle.

'You don't let anyone in Liv. Not really. You think you have to do everything on your own. That can be really frustrating for someone who just wants to help you, wants to be there for you.'

'Have you been talking to Kurt?' she asked him with a smile.

Elliot laughed. 'Nope. Just speaking from personal experience here.'

He was right. She didn't know how to accept help from anyone. Well, she accepted it from Elliot sometimes. In fact, she was opening up to him right now.

'How come you can talk to me about this and not him?' he asked.

'Reading my mind again?' she grinned. 'I guess I can talk to you because you have no stake in the matter. Well, aside from not wanting to work with a cranky partner,' she joked. _And I feel safe with you_ , she thought, but she didn't say it out loud.

'I really thought you were going to be happy this time Liv. He seems like a decent guy.'

'Is that why you haven't tried to scare him off?' she smirked. 'But you are right, he is a good guy. It's not him, it's me.'

She went straight from the bar to Kurt's apartment. The instant he opened the door and saw her, he knew. He hung his head and she put her arms around his neck. He pushed her away from him gently though and asked her to just get her things and leave. She knew it was the right decision but it still wasn't easy. It was for the best but she was hurting him. She tried to tell him she was sorry but he brushed her off. He had seen it coming. He would be fine. She realized probably for the first time that it was a stupid thing to say when it was obvious someone was not fine. She didn't cry when she left his apartment for the last time. She didn't cry on the subway ride back to Upper West Manhattan. She cried when she got home. Alone. Again.

...

They were having drinks again, sitting next to each other at the bar this time. Lincoln turned out to be innocent after all. His agent had caught him with Jeremy in the men's room of a restaurant and had killed Jeremy after Lincoln had been with him. He had also leaked the story to the press. Football had given Lincoln everything and then it had taken everything away.

'Do you want another one?' Olivia asked Elliot.

'I can't,' he sighed.

'Well, I just broke up with Kurt and you said you'd be there for me.'

'I am. Eli's driving Kathy crazy.'

She laughed. 'I'm kidding. Go home.'

Elliot took her right hand in his hand on the bar, and it reminded her of their talk in the car after they had arrested Harris. She looked up and saw his bright blue eyes looking back at her. There was so much kindness in them, even tenderness.

'I'm here for you Liv. When the right man comes along, you will be able to open up to him. If not, it won't be the right guy. You will know it. Just trust your instincts.'

She tried to swallow the lump in her throat but she could see that Elliot noticed she was trembling a little.

'You deserve only the best Liv. You will know,' he assured her.

She tried to shake off the emotions she was feeling, her hand still caught in his.

'I can always talk to you so maybe I should just seduce you. Wouldn't that be a perfect solution,' she muttered, smiling while looking down at their hands, and trying to ignore the little voice in her head that was saying she was only half-joking.

Elliot lifted her hand up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on it before saying softly, 'If only life was that simple.'

...


	7. Authority

**"Authority"**

They were trying to find a man impersonating a police officer, who instructed people to perform criminal actions. He had been dubbed the HappiHoaxer because he was mostly hitting HappiBurger restaurants with his prank calls. His latest prank had resulted in a teenage girl being stripped naked and searched by her manager because 'detective Milgram' had told him to.

'I don't understand why anyone would fall for it,' Elliot sighed.

They had a name now but their suspect had called in sick for work so they were on their way to his apartment.

'We wouldn't,' Olivia stated, 'but the general public is easily impressed with authority figures.'

'Yeah, but they can't all be comfortable with what this so-called detective is telling them to do? Would you take off your clothes if someone told you to over the phone?'

He glanced at his partner and grinned when he saw she was actually thinking it over. She laughed when she saw him looking at her.

'I guess it depends who's asking and where I am at the time,' she joked and he felt something shift low in his belly.

'Right ... I guess I asked the wrong thing and _obviously_ the wrong person,' he mumbled. 'But you know what I mean.'

She just laughed again and looked out the window. He now had a visual of his partner taking her clothes off and that wasn't right. He glanced at her again and could see from her bulging left cheek that she was still smiling. She was playing him. He guessed she was loosening up now that she was single again. He could only hope she wouldn't go overboard with her sexy jokes because he didn't know how to deal with that. Despite all the smut they dealt with on a daily basis, she had the ability to make him feel like an insecure teenager at times and it confused him. What was she up to?

...

Merritt Rook turned out to be quite a character. At first, he seemed to have an answer for everything. When they did find evidence against him and Casey took him to trial, he decided to represent himself in court. He was a very gifted speaker and managed to convince the jury to find him not guilty. Elliot was amazed. Rook had told them not to be sheep, mindlessly following a shepherd but to do something unexpected each day, something that would not compute, as he put it.

They all talked about it afterwards. Rook was challenging everything they were used to and was even going public with his message. He was on a morning talk show with an actual sheep, that he had named Elliot. How funny. Munch was actually going for it. He agreed that there is a danger in obedience and said that was what the calls to HappiBurger were all about. Munch didn't condone what Rook did but he understood where he was coming from. Well, Elliot didn't. He needed the rules and regulations to be able to decide if he was doing the right thing. What else was there to go by?

'Well,' Olivia told him, 'you do still have your own gut and your moral compass. We get into situations too where no clearly defined rules apply. You just have to go with what you know in your heart to be right.'

His heart. He wasn't sure if that was such a trustworthy organ to go by. He still preferred rules. Rules were clear-cut, unambiguous, without emotion. Because that was the weak spot of the heart. Emotion. Feeling. Wanting. _Not_ knowing, but experiencing.

He was pulled out of his reverie by Much, who told them that Rook's wife died in child birth and the baby too. Casey asked if it was medical malpractice and Munch told them Rook thought so. However, he had never sued.

'A guy who doesn't think twice about making people suffer, is gonna let the doctor who killed his family off the hook?' Elliot asked. 'No way!'

They went to the hospital and found out that the doctor who had been present when Rook's wife and new born baby died was also deceased. He died in a car crash that was ruled an accident due to break failure. The nurse at the hospital remembered the Rooks. The doctor had missed a placental abruption and both mother and child had bled out. Rook had threatened to kill the doctor and they had to call security to escort him out.

They both wondered if there had really been a break failure and contacted Melinda and O'Halloran to pull the files of the investigation into the car crash. It turned out that the insurance company never paid out after the doctor died because they ruled it a suicide. Melinda showed them a note the doctor had left for his wife, telling her that detective Milgram would not leave him alone and said he was going to prison. So Rook had pushed the doctor to kill himself. They believed that the note combined with the doctor's phone records would be enough to nail Rook.  
Rook had organized a rally at Grand Central Station that evening so they went there to pick him up.

...

'You know, Rook is being just as manipulative as the people he is accusing of manipulation and control,' Olivia said while they drove to the rally. 'He says people shouldn't be sheep, but they are all following _him_ now. They are still sheep.'

She was right. Maybe Rook was trying to make a point but he was no different than the authorities he claimed to be fighting against. Elliot wondered if in some way, everyone was susceptible to a form of manipulation. He had wondered about that before, when the father of that street family had questioned the principles of 'his world'. Olivia had reminded him that they could only follow the law. But how about when the rules weren't clear? When things weren't as clear-cut as he needed them to be? She said today that he should follow his heart in those cases. He struggled with that and wondered how she handled those dilemmas.

'Liv, do you think we are sheep as well, in some way? Just blindly following the rules without thinking?'

She was shocked and he shook his head. She must be thinking he was losing it. This wasn't something Elliot Stabler would say. Elliot Stabler upheld the law with every fibre in his being and he never doubted the rules. She seemed to deliberate in her head what to tell him and finally agreed that in some way yes, they were all conditioned to behave in a certain way. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

'And what if the rules aren't clear? You said something about a moral compass earlier. How do _you_ do it?'

She frowned and was still looking at him as if she was wondering if this was really him talking. He wasn't even sure why he was asking himself these questions. And he definitely didn't know why he was asking _her_.

'How do _I_ do it? You have to give me an example El. I'm not sure what you're getting at.'

He had to make a sharp turn and was distracted by the traffic for a minute. He chewed on his lower lip, wondering what he was getting at himself. Sometimes he felt like he was in some kind of quicksand but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. He did know he was restless and looking for something. A way out? Out of what? He sighed and admitted that he wasn't sure what he was getting at either.

'Well, in that case I don't know what to tell you. Maybe it's like what you told me a while ago. When it's right, you will know it. In here.'

She tapped his chest gently and he smiled. That was what he had told her, when she wondered if she would ever find the right guy to spend her life with. He knew it made sense in some way but he also knew he wasn't good at it. Not at all. He needed rules and restrictions. He didn't know what he would do - or who he would be - without them. He feared he might explode and derail completely. There were things bottled up inside him that he was afraid to let out. _Afraid_ ... The word lingered in his mind. Fear wasn't rational, just like anger, rage, love ...

They arrived at Grand Central Station and he had to break off his pitiful attempt at psychoanalysis. Olivia had been silent the rest of the way and seemed completely focused on finding Rook. When there was no sign of a rally of disobedient citizens, they split up to look for him. There was a sound of a whistle and a lot of people suddenly stopped dead in their tracks and stood still like statues. Olivia radioed him to meet her at the west staircase, so she must have spotted Rook. Suddenly, everyone started moving and walking again and Elliot had a hard time making his way over to Olivia. He felt a rush of ... _something_ inside him and started pushing people out of the way. He needed to get to her fast. When he reached the west stairwell, she wasn't there and neither was Rook. She wasn't there.

...

That _something_ he had felt was not rational but it was real. She was gone. The entire unit sprung into action and they raided Rook's apartment. Lake got pictures from the security cameras of the station, showing Olivia dumping her gun and cell phone and going with Rook willingly. Fin had recovered her gun and phone and Cragen ordered them to take the phone to TARU to see if she left any clues on it.

'If Olivia disarmed herself and went with this fruitcake, he must have had a gun on her,' Elliot said. 'She didn't wanna risk Merritt shooting civilians!'

They wondered where else Rook could have taken Olivia besides his apartment, and Cragen asked if he was close to anyone at work. Elliot thought he might like doctor Chang and went to see her to ask her about Rook. She told him they went on a date once but that half-way through, Rook had left, crying. It had been because of a song he had once recorded with his wife, who had been a singer. After her death he had made the switch from music to aerospace. 'Audio engineering is pretty much the same, wherever you do it,' the doctor told him. He asked her if she knew where he used to work and she told him 'Tune Down Records in Brooklyn.'

He probably made a dozen traffic violations on his way to the old studio. His heart was racing. He had no idea what Rook might want from Olivia, or what he might do to her. Rook wasn't a directly violent man but there was something about the way he could get other people to do things that was unsettling. He tried not to think too much about what the man might be doing to Olivia or what he might make her do, and could only trust that she would know how to talk to him.

He went into the abandoned building with his gun drawn. The doors were unlocked and he found Rook quickly, sitting calmly behind a sound mixing table. He was impressed with how quickly Elliot had found him.

'Where is she?'

Rook put his hands up, telling him he was unarmed. Elliot ordered him to stand up and put his hands on his head. He didn't want to make any mistakes now and moved cautiously, padding Rook down for concealed weapons. When he didn't find a weapon he turned the older man around to face him and asked him again,

'Where is my partner?'

'Wouldn't you like to know.'

Elliot tried to control the anger he was feeling towards the man. He considered him fairly harmless on his own but the man was gifted with technical abilities that Elliot had no knowledge of. He needed to know Olivia was alive and well. He put his gun against the man's throat.

'No more games!' he said.

'Or what? You're gonna shoot me? Then I don't think you'll ever find her.'

His mind was racing and his muscles were twitching. He wanted to hit the man, cause him pain, make him talk, tell him where Olivia was. He still didn't know if she was alright. But maybe he was right, and he wouldn't be able to find her without him. He was feeling uncertain. He was the one holding the gun but Rook was the one with the power. It was frustrating. But his need to find Olivia was greater than his desire to hurt the pitiful man. He took two steps back and lowered his gun, much to the relief of Rook.

Rook turned to switch on the lights behind the glass panel. Elliot breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Olivia, very much alive. She was tied to a chair with two wired patches attached to her neck. She was looking around, wondering what was going on. Elliot called out to her but Rook explained that she couldn't hear him. The glass was sound proof and was also a one way mirror. She couldn't see him. Elliot walked over to the door leading to the studio but Rook warned him that it was wired with an explosive device that would go off if he opened the door. Then he added that he also had a manual detonator for the explosives and held something up for him to see.

Elliot was torn. He wanted to get to Olivia as quickly as possible but he couldn't tell if the door was really wired. He had his gun pointed at Rook again but he still felt powerless. He was being manipulated and he didn't know what was true and what wasn't. There was no checklist to follow here. _You will know what is right in your heart_. Olivia's words echoed in his mind. His heart was aching. What should he do?

He finally put away his gun and kept his eyes on Olivia while he asked Rook, 'Alright, what do you want? What do you want?'

'To conduct a little experiment,' Rook replied. 'To see how far you'll go to save your partner.'

He would give his life to save his partner. _Anything_ , he thought. _I'll do anything to get her out of there_.

Rook pulled a switch and told Olivia that Elliot was there.

'Do as he says El,' she told him.

'Liv, you alright?' Elliot yelled.

'Elliot please, just do what he says!' she yelled back.

'Liv!'

'Shut up!' Rook yelled and he turned the sound off again. 'I'm in charge now. So sit down, and listen.'

Elliot hesitated, still looking at Olivia.

'Sit down!' Rook yelled and slowly, Elliot complied.

Rook wanted to perform a cruel experiment. He wanted Elliot to press a button, which would give Olivia a 250 volt electro shock. It would not kill her but it would hurt. If he didn't press the button, Rook would double the voltage and press the button himself, for twice as long. It was the Milgram experiment, only this time, the shocks would be real. He switched the lights off again so he could not see Olivia anymore and pressed the button. Elliot heard Olivia scream out and he cringed at the sound. Rook held the device out to Elliot and told him to press the button. He would do anything to save her, but not hurt her. How could he follow his heart in this situation? His heart was telling him he could not do it. He refused and Rook pressed the button again. Olivia screamed again and Elliot jumped up to make him stop but it only resulted in Rook holding the button down longer.

Elliot was freaking out on the inside but managed to contain his rage and his worry for Olivia. He asked Rook why he was doing this. If he could keep him talking, Olivia would not be hurt again. Rook told him he wanted to teach him a little lesson about power and authority.

'You cops with your guns and your badges, you think you can do anything you want. You think you own the streets.'

'I don't abuse my authority,' Elliot maintained but Rook was convinced that every cop abuses their authority.

Elliot said that he thought this wasn't about authority, obedience or sheep. 'You just want me to suffer the way you've suffered.'

'You have no idea what I've suffered!' Rook yelled. Elliot told him he was right, he had no idea what he'd been through. Rook poured his heart out and relayed how everything had been taken from him because he had put his faith in a little god in a white coat. Then he ordered Elliot again to push the button.

'No,' Elliot said softly. How could he ever knowingly cause her pain? Rook _was_ making him suffer by hurting her. Rook pressed the button and he heard Olivia cry out in pain again. He wished he was the one who was getting the shocks but he just couldn't be the one to hurt her.

'Push the botton!' Rook screamed again but Elliot didn't move.

'I can't do it.' He had tears in his eyes, not knowing how much pain Olivia must be in by now but knowing he could never be the one to inflict it.

'No?' Rook asked. 'Why?'

He was trembling inside when he said, 'Too many people have suffered already.'

Rook finally relaxed but was emotional when he said, 'Then you Elliot Stabler, are a human being. Congratulations. You're not a sheep like I was. You're ... a man. Thank you.'

Elliot was confused. He was getting a compliment but he couldn't fathom what had just happened. All he wanted was to get Olivia out. His emotions were tumbling inside him but somehow he realized that he had made the right choice. Rook switched the light back on and told him not to worry about his partner. He pressed the button again and Elliot looked at Olivia. She was just looking around, wondering what was going on. The screams had been pre-recorded. _She had not been hurt!_ Rook held up the remote control he had said was a detonator, and told him it was just a garage opener. Elliot jumped up, handcuffed Rook to a chair and rushed through the door to Olivia.

'He said that he had a bomb and that if I didn't go with him, he would detonate it in Grand Central ...' Olivia started, but Elliot told her it was all a fake. He knelt in front of her to untie her and take off the wiring from her neck. Olivia was stunned. He asked her if she was okay. She was, Rook had not hurt her at all. He was immensely relieved and had trouble getting the patches off the tender skin of her neck because his hands were shaking. She noticed, and put her hands on his shoulders.

'El,' she whispered. 'I'm okay. You got him. Calm down.'

Her touch warmed him. He nodded and tried again, encouraged by her smile. He pried off one patch while she removed the other one, her eyes never leaving his face. He helped her stand up and put his hand on her lower back as they left the studio. He just needed to feel her, to sense she was alive and okay. There was nothing rational about it, he just needed to feel. As if she understood, she put her arm around his waist and they walked up to Rook together.

As they led him out of the building, Rook asked if he could tie his shoelace. Suddenly the building behind them blew up and they were smacked on the ground by the blast. When they looked up, Rook was gone. He was still in handcuffs but was running away fast. They gave chase but lost him in a park by the river. Olivia thought he had gone into the water and would not survive it with handcuffs on. Elliot wasn't so sure. The man was smart, he must have had a plan. They looked out over the water while the sun was coming up. There was no trace of Rook. Elliot turned to Olivia to look her over and saw some surprise in her eyes.

'What Elliot? What happened out there that got to you so much?'

He scrubbed his hands over his face and shook his head.

'It was a power game. He ... he wanted me to hurt you because he was in control.'

He looked at the ground, trying to shake off the confusion that he had felt when Rook was performing his 'experiment'.

'Hurt me? How?' she asked.

He explained the experiment to her and told her he couldn't do it. Olivia had no idea what had been going on and moved in front of him until he looked at her.

'El, nothing happened to me. Whatever button you pressed, it wasn't connected to me.'

'I didn't press it Liv. How could I? I would never want to cause you pain ... not deliberately. But it wasn't easy to make the right decision. He wanted me to be a sheep, to just follow orders. He threatened to hurt you worse if I wouldn't do it but I still couldn't ...' He took a deep breath, trying to suppress the pain that was resurfacing when he thought back at hearing her scream. 'As it turns out, that was exactly what he wanted to hear.'

She was silent and looked out across the water to the sunrise. He looked at her profile and could see she was deep in thought. He wanted to know what she was thinking. That was happening a lot these days. They used to just close a case and go home, and not talk about it again. But he really wanted to know what was going on in her mind. He saw a small smile forming on her face and he tilted his head, hoping to catch her attention. She looked at him and her smile grew wider.

'You wanted an example,' she stated. He raised his eyebrows. An example of what?

'Of doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. You did it. You probably can't really explain it but you did it El.'

He breathed out slowly, finally feeling part of the tension leave his body. She was right. He had followed his heart, knowing he would never forgive himself for hurting her in any way.

'Maybe there is hope for me yet,' he grinned.

She laughed out loud. 'Of course there is. Who said there wasn't? Come on,' she motioned him to join her as she turned to leave. When he walked beside her, she looped her arm through his. He squeezed her arm closer to his, hoping to convey to her how glad he was that she was okay. They didn't say things like that out loud but he knew she understood. He knew it in his heart.

...

 **Moving to season 10 after this. Do you want more?**


	8. Trials

**"Trials"**

Gradually they were getting used to the changes. Casey Novak had been disbarred and they didn't have a new ADA for SVU yet. They were making do with substitutes, with varying degrees of success. Chester Lake had confessed to the murder of officer Crane and had been sentenced to life in prison. Fin was partnered with Munch once again and they were all finding their rhythm again. Well, all except Olivia.

Olivia was finding herself lying awake at night. Or she didn't go to bed at all but stayed up, watching TV until she would nod off on the couch. She didn't want to admit it, but it was becoming a problem. She would dream about the basement at Sealview and would wake up in a cold sweat. She would feel panic that took a long time to subside, and she would actually be afraid to go back to sleep. She had thought of calling Melinda but she didn't want to put it into words. It would become too real. Maybe it would just go away again. Yes, she would just turn on the TV and go lie on the couch. That was resting too, wasn't it? It would pass.

...

They were in the elevator of the hospital, on their way to see a young boy who claimed his foster parents were abusing him. Elliot was going on and on about his stolen credit card. His voice was actually annoying her. And that didn't happen too often. He finally noticed she was yawning and asked her if he was boring her.

'I'm sorry, I got absolutely no sleep last night.' she explained.

'Oh really. So the blind date went well.' _Typical male comment._

'Ah ... it didn't go at all, I cancelled it,' she told him while exiting the elevator and marching off, with Elliot on her tail.

'Again?! Wow, what's the worst thing that can happen?' he asked. He didn't get it. She wasn't afraid of dating or being turned down. She was just exhausted.

They met up with the attending doctor at the ER and she was glad to be out of the conversation. However, the 7 year old boy seemed to have disappeared. Elliot was finally focused on the case and his father radar kicked in. He motioned to Olivia that he was going to check under the bed and crouched down to lift up the blanket that was hanging off the foot of the bed. Sure enough, there was Christopher. He was acting up and they tried to calm him down together. He was adamant about not wanting to go back to his foster parents, Gwen and Noah Sibert. They tried to get him to tell them what they were doing to him, while Fin and Munch questioned the foster parents at the station. He threw a fit when Elliot took away his soda and it took all of their reasoning power to get him to calm down again. This was about food?

She was too tired to deal with this and couldn't help thinking what it would be like to have a kid like that. She wanted to believe there was a reason he was acting the way he was but she could barely find the strength to stay awake and listen to the boy. Thank God for Elliot, who was used to kids and their shrill voices. When they took him to the station, still squirming between them, he finally told them about a place where Gwen would take him. Noah was not to know about it. Cragen sent Elliot out with Fin to check out the hotel Christopher had mentioned and she got stuck with the kid. This just wasn't her day.

...

She actually got the boy to play quietly in the game room and just chatted with him about regular day to day activities. He had told them his foster mom took him to a hotel where he had to take off his clothes and they would give his mom money. She couldn't get him to tell her what he had to do at the hotel though. When he was finally playing with some cars, she sat back in her chair and closed her eyes. Just a few minutes of peace was all she needed.

She must have dozed off and she jolted awake when she heard loud voices in the hallway, which in her dream had been inmates arguing with the guards. She took Christopher with her and walked up to the Siberts, who were clearly disagreeing about what Gwen had been doing. Testing drugs on him? They were supposed to be these extreme health freaks. Even their clothing line was good for the environment. This was just getting better by the minute. Before the three of them stepped on the elevator, she handed Christopher her card and told him he could call her anytime if he thought he was in trouble again. She did mean that. She sighed when they were finally gone. She could hardly think, let alone focus on the case with all the noise around her.

Cragen walked up to her and they brought each other up to speed. Then he told her to go home and make a fresh start in the morning.

'Go home. You look like you could use a little sleep.'

She gave him no argument and headed to the vending machine to get a can of coke to stay awake until she got home. She waited for the can to drop and had another flashback on the spot. She was in the basement again and he had her up against the wall, pushing into her from behind. She was screaming but no one could hear her. There was no way out. She was powerless. 'Hey!'

She jumped and Christopher's case worker apologized for startling her.

'I'm sorry. I'm usually not this jumpy,' Olivia told her.

The case worker gave her Christopher's file. She thumbed through it without really reading anything until the picture of the boy's birth mother caught her eye. It was a rape victim from one of her old cases. Just seeing Caitlyn's face brought tears to her eyes and that was not normal. She really needed to sleep. She took the file home with her and tried to relax. She put on the sports channel and bundled up in a blanket on the couch, pretending she was watching a game with Elliot. His presence always made her feel safe and she wished she could call him and ask if he could come over. But that was silly and he needed to be with his family. She shouldn't need his company to feel safe in her own home, she told herself. She fluffed up her pillow and put her head on it. She closed her eyes and listened to her own heartbeat, pretending it was his. But soon images of Lowell Harris started resurfacing in her mind and her heartbeat sped up. She sat up on the couch and turned up the sound of the TV. This was going to be another sleepless night.

...

It had taken some time to track down Caitlyn Ryan but she finally managed to get a current address. Elliot had been looking at her over their desks and had offered to go with her but she preferred going alone. Caitlyn had been very nervous around people and she didn't want to overwhelm the young woman. Besides, Elliot was still very preoccupied with his stolen credit card and she didn't need that kind of distraction around a fragile rape victim. Or around herself.

Caitlyn's place was a mess. She apologized and Olivia told her that hers was a disaster area too. In reality it wasn't as bad as Caitlyn's though. At least she hoped it wasn't. She asked why Caitlyn had given up her son.

'Look at me,' Caitlyn said. 'I mean at first I could function. Then I just started reliving it all the time you know.'

Olivia knew. She knew too well. This was hitting way too close to home.

'I couldn't concentrate at work. So I lost my job ... I lost my apartment ... and then I just wanted to sleep.'

Sleep. That was no escape either because of the nightmares, Olivia thought. Caitlyn started crying when she told her she couldn't even fix her son something to eat anymore. She just let him go hungry and said she was not a fit mother.

Olivia walked over to sit down next to Caitlyn on the couch and told her she had rape trauma syndrome, a form of PTSD, and that she needed therapy. She was telling a victim and she was telling herself. But Caitlyn told her she had done everything she could to get better but she got nothing out of it, except a new home for Christopher. Olivia was surprised when Caitlyn told her that she had met Gwen Sibert at the support group. Gwen was a rape victim too.

...

After talking to Noah and then Christopher at a play ground, Olivia realized that Christopher had been home the night his mother was raped and she started linking other rapes to the case. They were all single women with a job and a young son and the rapist probably threatened to hurt their kid if they didn't do as he said. The rapist told all of them they were a bad mother. She brought the team up to speed and everyone headed out to re-interview witnesses, victims and suspects. They found a link to an online dating service for single mothers but struck out at one of the victims, until Elliot noticed the brand of the clothing line this victim was working with. It was Noah Siberts brand.

They brought Noah in and interrogated him in Benson & Stabler mode, addressing the fact that he was opposed to mothers working and that his mother had not been around for him either. He wouldn't admit to anything and they finally asked him to do a voice line up. Their new ADA, Kim Greylek, was not satisfied with the result. Only one out of three women had picked Noah's voice so they needed to find the fourth victim. Thanks to swift action from Elliot, they now had DNA of Noah, who had left a 'slobbery' kiss on Christopher's cheek before the boy was taken away by his case worker.

Meanwhile, Olivia had tried to track down the fourth rape victim in the pattern. She felt a slight panic rising to the surface when she learned that the woman had committed suicide. Elliot was in some kind of argument with his daughter Kathleen in the hallway when she called him over. He broke off the discussion with Kathleen to join her but he was still worked up. Olivia had a hard time breathing and did not need a worked up Elliot right now. She showed him Annabelle's file and told him that she had killed herself last year. Elliot looked at her and she was relieved to see in his eyes that she now had his full attention.

'If we'd found Noah earlier ...' she started but Elliot interrupted her, seeing how upset she was.

'Alright. Alright, alright, alright. Look.' He moved closer to her and put a hand on her shoulder. 'You can't do this to yourself,' he whispered. 'You can't go there.'

She sighed and her eyes teared up. She really wanted to cry and scream and kick something or someone, but she just stood there, trembling and trying not to cry. Munch was trying to get everyone's attention, telling them a DNA hit had just solved their cases, but Elliot started ushering her out of the room.

'Come on,' he said softly while taking her arm and for once, she let him make the decision for her. She wasn't thinking clearly and she agreed that she needed to get out of there. Munch called after them but Elliot put up a finger and gave him an unmistakable look. They were leaving. He took her up to the cribs and they sat down on one of the beds. Olivia put her face in her hands, her elbows leaning on her knees. She didn't want to cry but she had to tell Elliot something. Her biggest fear was that he wouldn't trust her to have his back anymore if he knew what was going on with her. But she was still doing her job, wasn't she?

'Talk to me Liv. I know this isn't just about a victim killing herself. Tell me what's going on with you.'

His voice was kind and reassuring and it made her want to cry even more. But she wouldn't. She was strong. He needed a strong partner, otherwise they couldn't work together anymore. She was breathing too fast and she tried to calm herself down. It wasn't working and when she felt Elliot's arm loop around her, pulling her into his chest, she stopped breathing altogether.

'Breathe Liv, I've got you,' he whispered and she tried to relax, leaning into him and breathing again. Well, it felt more like sighing. Elliot stayed silent, waiting for her to speak. She didn't know what to tell him. She didn't want to worry him but it was obvious that she wasn't herself. Finally, she said something.

'I can still do my job El.'

He moved away from her just far enough to look into her eyes. He was completely surprised.

'What? Of course you can. Why do you even need to tell me that?'

She tried to sit up straight again and he loosened his grip on her, but his arm was still around her.

'I ... I've been having flashbacks,' she finally admitted. 'About Sealview.'

Elliot didn't respond right away and she looked at his face. He was chewing his bottom lip and was frowning. Then he asked her, 'About what exactly?'

She closed her eyes and sighed again. She couldn't back out now, he deserved to know. He was her partner and he needed someone to have his back. Not a stressed out _victim_. How she hated using that word when it was about herself. Elliot had told her once before that he couldn't be looking over his shoulder, making sure she was okay. He needed an equal beside him and she was feeling anything but equal right now. She tried to choose her words carefully.

'I was okay at first and then ... I've started reliving it. I feel really jumpy and I can't sleep and I feel very ... out of control.'

Elliot simply nodded, taking in the information. She could see anger flashing in his eyes but he said nothing.

'The main thing that keeps coming back is the panic and the powerlessness. He completely overpowered me. I was trapped and there was no way out. Sometimes I can't breathe El. I thought I was okay. I mean, he didn't rape me. But I'm not ... I'm not okay.'

She was shaking and Elliot put both arms around her, just holding her loosely and leaning his forehead against her temple.

'Admitting that is the first step Liv,' he said quietly. 'You weren't raped but you were sexually assaulted. I don't really need to tell you how it works, do I?'

She knew. She knew exactly how it worked. But it was different when it was about her. Well, maybe it wasn't different but it felt different. She wasn't a victim, she was supposed to be _helping_ victims. She should never have let him take her down there. She knew better than that.

'Don't blame yourself Liv,' Elliot said. She laughed.

'Right. Just like you don't blame _your_ self?'

She knew he still felt guilty about not being there to stop Harris. It wasn't right to try and lash out to him but she was scared that he wouldn't look at her the same after this and she wanted to pull away. But he wasn't going to let her pull away. Not this time.

'It's not the same thing Olivia. You are the one who was assaulted.'

His head was still resting lightly against her temple and it felt strange but good. Safe. He was stroking her back with one hand, the other one resting on her hip. She turned her head so it rested on his shoulder and sighed when he brushed his cheek against hers. It was comforting.

'I feel ... I feel like I don't deserve to be here,' she mumbled in his neck. 'I feel like ... I feel like he has ... he stole something from me. And ... and I need help ... dealing with it.'

It was the most vulnerable she had ever been with him and it scared her. She could not watch his back in the state she was in. But he was still holding her and she wanted to sit like this forever.

'Then we will get you help,' he said and his voice vibrated through her body. 'But find someone outside the NYPD. No need to go on record with this.'

She lifted her head up and looked at him.

'I know you're strong Liv,' he said quietly. 'You are one of the strongest people I know. You will have to deal with this but I will still trust you to have my back. Just let me know if it gets too much. Be honest with me and we'll be fine.'

Her vision was blurred because of the tears in her eyes but she smiled at him. He really did know her. He wiped a stray tear from her cheek and without thinking she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug.

'Thank you Elliot,' she whispered.

He hugged her back and they sat like that for a few moments. Just when she wanted to pull away, not wanting things to get awkward between them, she felt his lips on the skin of her neck, placing a soft kiss just above her collarbone. She shivered and turned her head to look at him. The intensity in his eyes struck her and she let out a surprised sound involuntarily. He smiled shyly and pulled away to stand up. He held out his hand, asking her if she was ready to go back to work. Her heart was pounding violently and she wasn't sure if she would be able to speak, so she just nodded. She took his hand and looked at him while he turned around to lead her back to the squad room. She wanted to ask him why he had kissed her but his body language told her not to ask. Not now. He had told her they would be alright, as long as she was honest with him. That should go both ways but this wasn't the time or place. Perhaps he had just wanted to comfort her. Yeah, that was it. She forced herself to brush it off. No need to read anything more into it. _He is just being supportive, that's all. It was nothing. He's married._

...


	9. Swing

**"Swing"**

This wasn't happening. Not with Kathleen. Not with his daughter. What was wrong with her, acting up like that! First she took off with his credit card and now she was breaking and entering? She was totally out of control, running around dressed in nothing but a shower curtain, high on pills. And then she was crying and apologizing. She was all over the place. The residents of the house she had taken a shower in were aware he was her father and that was not good either. He needed to find some answers and fast. He found out Kathleen was not dealing, only using. _Only_ using ... Coke and downers.

Then things got even worse. Kathy came to the station upset, letting him know Kathleen had snuck out of the house. He found her at one of the places Hudson students would go to get high. She was in bed with a young man, unconscious from an overdose, and Elliot dragged her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. Kathy asked the doctor what was wrong with their daughter and the doctor told them, based on her behavior, he thought it was bipolar disorder.

'My daughter is not crazy!' Elliot snapped.

Kathy sighed in frustration.

'I didn't say she was crazy,' the doctor replied. 'I said she's sick.'

Kathy asked how they could help her and the doctor told her about the medication Kathleen would need. But Elliot had heard enough.

'I can't do this,' he said, his voice tense, and he walked out of the hospital room.

'No, don't go!' Kathy said but he said he needed some air.

He couldn't take it anymore. Bipolar disorder ... it was bringing up so many painful memories. Memories he had buried a long time ago. He didn't want to go back there, to that time. His mother. He ran out to the parking lot, trying to keep breathing, but the surge of emotions just was too much. This could not be happening. Not to _his_ daughter! He took a swing and punched a sign on the wall, hard. At least he was feeling something else now, pain in stead of sheer panic. He saw Captain Cragen and Olivia walk up to him but he didn't want to hear any more bad news.

'Whatever you're gonna say, don't!' he panted.

'Something's come up,' Olivia told him.

'Can it wait?'

It couldn't. The owners of the house Kathleen had broken into were filing a complaint against her. There was a necklace missing with a diamond pendant and they thought Kathleen had stolen it. Olivia reminded him that Kathleen was wearing a diamond pendant when they found her on the playground but he told them it was a zirkonia that he'd given her for her eighteenth birthday. He wasn't sure though, what she had been wearing. Maybe those people wanted insurance money? Olivia agreed that it was possible but the complaint had been filed with the DA's office and they had to arrest her.

Reasoning with Kim didn't work. He pulled out all the stops but she told him her hands were tied. She shouldn't even discuss the case with him. All she could advise him was to get Kathleen a good lawyer and told him that she couldn't be arrested with a diagnosed psychiatric condition if she were admitted to a mental health facility.

Kathleen flat-out refused. He shouldn't have been surprised. She was on overdrive again, flirting with the arresting officers Olivia had brought in, right in front of him. How could he protect her when she was like this? He felt sick to his stomach and utterly powerless. Olivia tried to reassure him, telling him she'd go with Kathleen and stay with her for as long as possible. But that wasn't enough. She'd still be at Rikers over the weekend. His daughter in prison. His daughter ...

Kathleen's lawyer told him and Kathy that Kathleen was fine. She was entertaining the entire holding cell. Then they started discussing their strategy. Kathy wasn't following but as soon as she understood where the counselor was going, she blew a fuse.

'You're constantly complaining about the dirty tricks that defense attorneys play and now you wanna do the same thing?'

'That's work, this is about Kathleen!' he shouted. He got up and started pacing.

'No! This is about you!' Kathy seethed.

'Don't go there. I'm not going there. Don't go there!'

This was not about him and not about his mother. He would do anything to keep his daughter out of prison. Kathy didn't understand how things worked. How could she? He felt like they were never in sync about anything anymore. The attorney felt that there was some kind of history she was missing. She explained that in stead of Kathleen admitting she was sick, they could show them a family history of the illness. So they _were_ going there. They had to. He had to.

...

He hadn't seen his mother in three years but he had to talk to her now. She had moved to a beach house in Jersey. Kathy kept in touch and the kids saw their grandmother but not him. He just couldn't deal with it. With her. She had never wanted to see she was sick and she was still denying it, blaming his father for crushing all of her dreams. He told her they weren't dreams but fantasies but she brushed off all the examples he gave her.

'You are just like your father!' she threw at him. 'All buttoned up! No imagination, no spirit! If anything is just a little out of the ordinary, it scares you to death doesn't it! Anything that doesn't fit into you neat little boxes ... you just can't take it!'

He tried to explain that this wasn't about him but about helping her granddaughter. She told him that he should just tell the judge himself that his mother was nuttier than a fruitcake. There was no calming her down and she walked outside to get some air. On the beach, she asked him if she had been a bad mother to him. He told her she wasn't a bad mother but couldn't explain why he never came to see her. She was the one that had left immediately after his father died. When she said he didn't need her, he told her he did. It was true to an extent. He needed his mother. He just couldn't deal with her eccentricities, her mood swings. Sometimes she would actually be a danger to herself and to him.

'Mama, I always needed you in my life,' he said.

'But it wasn't your life! It isn't your life. You're living your father's life all over again. If you could only find a way to be your own man ...'

This was a mistake. He turned around and started walking away. He wasn't going to listen to this. What did she know about him anyway?  
She called out to him and tried to remind him that he wanted to be an architect when he was a child. He tried to brush it off but she wouldn't stop. 'It was your passion!' she yelled. 'What happened to it? Where did it go?'

'Into responsibilities!' he finally yelled back, maybe admitting it more to himself than to her. 'Into taking care of my children. I don't have the luxury to stay in bed for a month when things don't go my way!'

He had hurt her and he regretted it the instant he had said it. He said he was sorry. He begged her to help him. To help Kathleen. To just admit she was sick.

And then she tuned out. She was in her own world again and no matter what he said to her, he couldn't reach her anymore. Even when he mentioned that she had taken a shot at him and his father once, she didn't even blink. She was too sick to realize it. He left, leaving his mother to build a sand castle on her own.

But her words had hurt him as well. They stung and kept echoing in his mind.

 _You are just like your father! All buttoned up! No imagination, no spirit!_

 _If anything is just a little out of the ordinary, it scares you to death doesn't it! Anything that doesn't fit into you neat little boxes ... you just can't take it!_

 _You're living your father's life all over again. If you could only find a way to be your own man ..._

 _It was your passion! What happened to it? Where did it go?_

His passion. He had poured all of his passion out in his job. It was an outlet, a release for his frustrations. Do the right thing. Get the scumbags. Justice for innocent victims. Work to support his family. Responsibility. He didn't know any other way. So he would have to help his daughter in his own way. He found the stolen necklace in Kathleen's room and returned it to the rightful owners. By doing that he screwed up Kathleen's case and it earned him a slap across the face from his wife and a night in the cribs. Well, it was worth it. At least Kathleen would be forcibly medicated at Rikers. What else could he have done?

...

Olivia joined him in the cribs. She would understand him. She always did. She didn't have any children but she knew _him_. She knew what drives him. He knew he was in the dog house with Kathy but from the look on Olivia's face, he wondered if he was with her as well. He sat up when she sat down on the bed across from his.

'Elliot, we've been partners for eleven years. You know everything about me ... even the parts that I'd rather forget. How come you've never told me about your mother?'

She had spoken calmly but he wondered if it hurt her in some way that he had not shared that part of his life with her. _All buttoned up._ He told her it never came up, knowing full well that it was a lame excuse.

'You made sure it never came up,' she said. O yeah, she knew it was lame.

'Liv, what do you want me to tell you? Things happen, I deal with it, I move on. I'm not gonna wallow in it.' There. That was what he did. She should understand that. She seemed to contemplate his words and how she would respond, weighing her options.

'Elliot, let me tell you something.' _Please, tell me something I can use to get out of this mess._

'Bottling it up inside hasn't worked for you.' _Sounds familiar. Not what I want to hear._

'And neither has beating up perps, or walls or garbage cans.' _Where is she going with this. I thought this was about Kathleen._

'Kathleen may be sick, but you're the one with the problem.' _Ouch. That hurts. 'You are just like your father!'_

Olivia got up, she was done talking. But she had only added to his questions. His questioning himself. He needed some kind of guidance. The last time they had talked up here, she had been the one needing support and understanding. Now, their roles were reversed.

'I'm through the looking glass here, Liv.' It was as close to a plea for help as he could get. She was his anchor as much as he was hers. But she couldn't save him. Not this time. She looked at him once more, then left. He lay back down on the bed, not sure when Kathy would let him come home again. Had he really made the best decision under the circumstances? _Anything that doesn't fit into you neat little boxes ... you just can't take it!_

...

His daughter was being arraigned again. His daughter. Olivia was sitting next to Kathy in the courtroom. She had obviously chosen which side she was going to be on. He felt like he was swimming in the ocean without a life vest and just stood back in the doorway. He hadn't slept much the night before and couldn't believe they were here again.

'How do you plead, Miss Stabler?'

'Guilty your honor.'

What? She was pleading guilty? And agreeing to psychiatric treatment?

'Miss Stabler, are you prepared to cooperate with your doctors?' the judge asked.

'Yes. I know I have a problem and I wanna get help. I'll take medication.'

'I will accept the guilty plea. If the defendant completes her treatment, the charge will be dismissed. I want to see you here again in six months for a status check.'

That was it. It was over. What the hell was going on? What just happened and why did Kathleen change her mind? And her plea? Olivia got up to leave the courtroom while Kathleen hugged her mother. When Olivia passed him he asked her,

'What the hell just happened?'

'Maybe God remembered how cute you were as a carrot,' Olivia said. She smiled and turned around to leave.

A carrot? A carrot ... the only time he'd ever been a carrot was ... wait a minute. He looked at his wife and daughter. They were all smiles and were going home. They didn't need him but he sure as hell needed some answers. He turned around and jogged after Olivia, who was waiting by the elevator.

'Liv!'

She turned around, one eyebrow raised but smiling slightly. She had obviously expected him to follow her. And how could he not, after that carrot comment.

'Did you talk to my mother?'

The elevator doors opened and she stepped in. He followed her in and waited for her to tell him something, anything. She pressed the button for the parking lot and sighed.

'I promised her I wouldn't tell you.' That was a yes. But he needed to know more.

'Okay. So why did Kathleen change her plea and why is she agreeing to treatment now?'

Olivia leaned against the back of the elevator and looked at him very seriously. The doors closed and the elevator started descending.

'I promised I wouldn't tell you.'

He knew she couldn't go back on a promise and it was frustrating.

'But _you_ made this happen. Right?' he tried again, wanting her to at least admit she had something to do with it.

'No,' she said softly. 'Kathleen did it. She just needed a little encouraging from someone who knows what it's like ...'

She trailed off, probably because she realized she was telling him too much. Elliot took a step towards her, stopping direcly in front of her, and leaned his hands against the back of the elevator on either side of her head.

'Why do you care so much about my family?' he asked, his voice low and laced with emotion. He realized too late that he already knew the answer and that he was standing too close to her. He shouldn't have asked. He shouldn't make her say it. It was a question from the realm of things never to say out loud. It was their understanding. He saw in her eyes that she was looking for a way out but there was none. He had caged her in, in more ways than one. He took a small step back and lowered his arms.

'I'm sorry,' he said softly, freeing her from the impossible question. She cared so much because it was _his_ family. Because she cared so much about _him_. He couldn't ask her to say it out loud. They didn't do that.

'It's okay,' she whispered just before the elevator stopped and the doors opened. But it wasn't okay. He couldn't leave things like this. They stepped off the elevator together and walked towards the car. She had the keys so he followed her to the drivers' side of the car. She turned around, a pleading look in her eyes. _Don't ask. Don't say it._

'Liv ...'

She put a hand against his cheek and looked into his eyes.

'El, it's okay.'

He closed his eyes, holding his breath briefly under her touch. He nodded and opened his eyes.

'Thank you,' he whispered, feeling tears brim in his eyes. She really was his anchor, even now. She rubbed his cheek with her thumb and then pulled her hand away to put it on his shoulder.

'We're partners El. For better or worse, remember?'

She smiled, then turned around quickly to get into the car. He bowed his head and sighed. She was more than a partner to him. _For better or worse, till death do us part. And not one second sooner._

...


	10. Lunacy

**"Lunacy"**

They thought they were looking at the victim of a serial rapist operating from a cab. The statement of his latest living victim had been gripping. The woman wished he had just killed her. The new victim that had been fished out of the river, was indeed dead. The most interesting part Melinda had to tell them was that despite being only 35 years old, the woman had the bones of a sixty-year old. Also, she was probably European so they would try to get an ID through a retinal scan.

Meanwhile, Fin and Munch had a lead on the cab driver. Olivia was to be the bait to catch him red handed. She got dressed up, put on a blonde wig and would have to carry a number of bags. Blondes with shopping bags were his targets.

'You look nice,' Elliot told her when she emerged from the cribs. 'Cheap, but nice.'

'Funny,' she shot back. She didn't mind dressing up like this occasionally but it was never nice to be called cheap. The red dress really wasn't so bad but the wig and the necklace were really off. But she would need to stand out and get some attention so it would have to do.

'Stabler, I thought you liked blondes,' Fin commented with a smirk.

Elliot raised an eyebrow and looked at her again, letting his eyes roam slowly from her feet all the way up to her wig. He shook his head and winked at her.

'Liv looks much better with dark hair,' he said and smiled at her.

The way he was looking at her made her stomach flutter a bit. He never checked her out this openly but he was certainly taking advantage of the opportunity. She threw her fake hair back in a dramatic fashion and took his arm.

'Let's go handsome. The sooner we get this guy, the sooner I can go back to my own color.'

...

The bust was too easy and once they threw in the murder charge, their perp confessed to all the rapes. But he maintained he had never killed anyone and even produced an additional rape in another state as an alibi. It was confirmed and they felt like they were back to square one, until Melinda came in with new information. The retinal scan had produced the identification of their victim and her low bone density was no longer a mystery: Marga Janssen was a Belgian astronaut.

Marga was supposed to give a speech at a week long space symposium at the New York Hall of Science so that was where they were headed. Elliot said he had always wanted to be an astronaut. He had never told her that and she smiled. She tried to picture him as an adventurous young man but somehow she couldn't. For as long as she had known him, he had always been the serious, responsible one.

At the symposium they ran into an old friend of his, Colonel Richard Finley.

'Now you've been my partner for what, ten years, and you never once told me that you know an astronaut?'

She didn't know why she felt the need to stress how long she and Elliot had been together but there was no time for self analysis. Elliot grinned and his quick reply caught her off guard.

'Like I need the competition.'

She was glad Finley continued the conversation, saying it looked like Elliot was doing just fine. The older man was very charming and was hitting on her right away. She was flattered but not really interested. Elliot's excitement about meeting this man was fascinating though. Finley offered to help out when they told him why they were there. They ran a few leads that Finley and Marga's girlfriend supplied them with but they weren't getting anywhere. They had lunch together with Finley, who was only too happy to share stories about the good old days. He'd been in space but his life long dream had been to go to the moon.

She asked Elliot how he and the astronaut had met. He started telling her the story and she had never seen him so enthusiastic. He went on and on about how he had bribed someone to call in sick one time so he could be the one to pick Finley up for a visit to his old high school. Finley had also been the one to get him into the marines.

Later, Finley brought all the fan mail over, so they could go over it with Huang to maybe flush out a suspect. Finley pointed them to Anton, a huge fan of Marga's who told them he and the astronaut had been very close. He had written to her often and although she had never written him back, in his head they had a strong bond. But they couldn't pin anything on him and had to let him go.

'Hey Olivia.'

She looked at the young man who greeted her and was genuinely surprised.

'Dickie? Look how tall you are!'

It was Elliot's son, who told her he wanted to be called Dick now. Elliot wanted him to meet the man he was named after. It was nice to see Elliot in this role of proud father and proud friend at the same time. Finley told them that a kid this handsome had to be named Dick. Dickie smiled and Olivia just watched the scene in front of her. All of that male bonding made her take a step back. Elliot was practically glowing and she took the opportunity to really look at him. He was so relaxed now. She was used to seeing him serious, concentrated, often angry or on edge - or both, but this was just ... Elliot. He was so proud of his boy, who was really growing up. And he was proud of his astronaut friend, who he obviously looked up to, possibly even as a father figure.

Dick Finley gave Dick Stabler a miniature of the space craft he was going to fly to the moon, just before all hell broke loose in the hallway. It all went down so fast and before they knew what happened, Anton had shot and killed their witness and Finley had jumped in, struggling with Anton for the gun, which went off, killing Anton.

...

'I don't even know where to start on my report,' Olivia told Cragen and Elliot, as the two bodies were being taken out.

'I'm gonna do mine tomorrow. I have to take my boy home,' Elliot said. Cragen agreed and let them go. Olivia walked the two Stablers out.

'You going to be okay Dick?' she asked the younger of the two. Dick was keeping a brave face but she could see the boy was shaken up. She joined them in the elevator down and Elliot smiled at her appreciatively. She put an arm around the young boy's shoulders and she felt him lean into her a little, before he straightened his shoulders. She smiled at Elliot, who had also noticed the shift in his son. He was on the threshold of becoming a man but he wasn't quite there yet. He still needed to be comforted. When they stepped off the elevator, Elliot automatically replaced her arm with his around his boy's shoulders and the adults nodded at each other in understanding. She pressed the button to their floor again and went back upstairs.

Finley was there, waiting for the elevator. She sighed when she saw his blood-stained shirt and the cut on his forehead.

'Well, detective, it was real nice getting to know you,' he said. She pulled out a tissue and told him he had a cut on his head. She cleaned it up a little and was surprised when he decided to invite her to come with him to a marine corps function he had to attend that night. 'It'd be a lot more fun if you were there.'

'You're serious?' she asked.

'You doubting the word of a legendary astronaut?'

It was a cheesy line but she smiled anyway and told him she would love to go.

'Should I call Elliot and see if he can join us?' she added.

She knew she was being mean but she just didn't feel quite comfortable with the older man. There was something about him, she just couldn't put her finger on it.

'Oh, I think you and me can handle this,' Finley said. 'Meet you at the hotel around eight?'

She managed to keep a smile on her face and agreed to meet him there. What was the harm anyway? It would be an opportunity to get to know her partner's hero a little bit better. She still didn't know what to think of the man. He was a little over-confident but that wasn't it. Maybe she would find out tonight. It was fun to get dressed up again and maybe that marine function wouldn't be all that bad. Dinner, some wine and dancing perhaps. It had been a long time. She had hardly dated since breaking up with Kurt.

She had picked a light blue sleeveless satin dress with a low-cut V-neck. She knew Finley would like that and it made her feel more like a woman than a cop. The weather was soft so she wouldn't need anything else, just a small purse. She took a cab to the hotel and was very surprised to see Elliot when she got there. He had several cuts and bruises on his face and his clothes were rumpled. Something had happened here.

'Elliot!' she called out while walking up to him. She stopped when she saw the look on his face. He seemed devastated. Why was he at Finley's hotel anyway and who gave him all those bruises?

'Is everything okay?' she asked softly, but she already knew the answer. It wasn't. He shook his head.

'No.'

She walked closer to him and he motioned at his car. Was that Finley in the back of his car?

'He ... it ... it was him,' Elliot managed to choke out before turning away from her.

'El ...'

She turned with him and tried to get him to look at her, taking a hold of his upper arms.

'Who El? What?'

'Dick ... he killed her. He killed her so he could go to the moon.'

'O my God,' she sighed. No wonder she had felt something was off with the man. No wonder he had been there every step of the way during their investigation. But he had been Elliot's hero ...

'El, I'm so sorry,' she said softly.

He nodded and wiped his nose. Then he said he needed to get him to the station. She was going with them, of course. They didn't speak in the car. She knew Elliot needed some time to deal with the realization that his hero had just fallen off his pedestal. And she was simply ignoring Finley completely. He had the audacity to tell her she looked nice but she didn't even acknowledge hearing him. He was muttering something in the back seat but she just blocked him out. She was riding along for Elliot, not for Dick Finley.

Elliot seemed to run on autopilot, handing the astronaut over to Fin to have him processed and ordering Finley to write down his confession. He didn't stick around to see if Finley would comply. They had enough evidence to convict him, he told her. His fingerprint was on Marga Janssen's necklace. He walked up to the roof and Olivia followed him.

'Elliot, you have some cuts that need to be cleaned,' she started but he didn't seem to care. He was taking deep breaths once they got up to the roof. He needed some space but she wasn't going to let him deal with this alone. So she was silent and just stood back until he had composed himself somewhat. He would talk when he was ready. It only took about five minutes.

'I was talking to Dick ... _my_ Dickie, when it hit me.' He was staring out over the city.

'How come?' she asked, moving beside him and looking at his profile in the dim city lights.

'He asked me why I didn't try to be like my hero. I told him that I had, but that I had to give up my dreams to take responsibility for my family.'

She nodded. That sounded like Elliot. It _was_ Elliot, to a T.

'I asked him if he would give up his family to be a fighter pilot and go to the moon, and he said he'd do anything to get there.'

'And you realized Finley would too.'

'Yeah.' He turned to look at her. 'He was never a family man. He got married and divorced four times. It was all about him in the end.'

Elliot _was_ a family man. It was never about himself. He had given up so much. He was deeply disappointed in his hero. He turned away from her and was silent for a minute.

'You know, even my mom said it to me the other day.'

He was looking out over the city again and his comment had surprised her a little. Apparently, he was in the mood to talk about himself and she wasn't going to stop him.

'What did she say, El?' she asked quietly.

'That I had given up my passion. But what else could I have done?' He looked at her again. 'What else can I do?'

He seemed to be asking her for advice. She thought he had it all figured out but now it looked like he needed guidance. She wasn't sure what to tell him.

'I don't know,' she answered truthfully. 'Do you feel you have sacrificed too much?'

She had worded her question carefully, not wanting him to start doubting himself. She knew only too well that he was all about taking responsibility but she could also see that he wasn't happy. Not entirely. When he went back to Kathy the last time, it had been because of the pregnancy. Just like he had married her when he was only seventeen, because of a pregnancy. He was a proud father, a very proud father. But she had to wonder if he was a proud husband. A content husband. And even if he was happy to be a cop. But knowing him, he would come to the conclusion that it had all been worth it. He always did the right thing.

He was thinking it over. It wasn't an easy question, she knew that. He was looking at her now. Staring straight into her eyes. It was almost unsettling. She wanted him to say something. To break the silence that was suddenly hanging between them. She didn't mean to make him question his marriage but the way he was looking at her now, she was almost certain that was what he was doing. Without realizing it, she had touched upon one of the forbidden subjects. One of the things they didn't talk about.

'Maybe.'

He had spoken softly but the emotion in his voice struck her. _Maybe_ he had sacrificed too much. Before she could think about what that simple answer meant, he reached out to her and wrapped his hand around her wrist. She moved a little closer to him, giving him a questioning look.

'I don't know Liv,' he said. 'Maybe I have. But I do know that I don't regret joining this unit and being your partner.'

Too close. His comment was too close. Just like the other day in the elevator after Kathleen's arraignment. She was just going to smile and then ignore it. And ignore his touch on her wrist. Now she was the one looking out over the city and he was studying her profile in the dim city light. He was still holding her wrist lightly, drawing small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. She tried to ignore the little electrical flashes his touch was sending through her arm, all the way up to her shoulder and neck, and then back down to ...

'Do you know what he said to me when I told him I looked up to him?'

She glanced at him, trying to focus on his words rather than his touch and her body's response to it.

'What did he say?'

'I'm sorry to disappoint. Can you believe that?'

She turned towards him.

'And then he said it was a good thing I never tried to be like him, because I never would have made it.'

His voice was trembling and she knew he was hurting. She moved in front of him and took his other hand. He slipped his hand in hers and he let go of her wrist to do the same with their other hands. She looked at him, a very serious look in her eyes.

'You, Elliot Stabler, are more of a man than he will ever be.'

They were standing very close to each other now, their hands clasped together. She needed to reassure him. To make him see that he had made the right decisions. And even if he made some wrong ones along the way, they had been for the right reasons. She needed him to see he was exactly who and where he was supposed to be. But was he? She could see the doubt in his eyes. The pain of all the things he had never achieved, of all the dreams he had given up.

'I can't help but wonder sometimes,' he said softly, 'when it will be my turn.'

He breathed out slowly and hung his head. The crown of his head was almost touching her forehead. It hurt her to hear him say that. His turn?

'If you could do it all over again, would you have done things differently?' she asked. 'What would you do, if you could do anything _you_ wanted to do?'

His eyes met hers again and his voice was very low when he spoke after a few seconds.

'That is a dangerous question, Olivia.'

She knew it was. They were standing too close and she had asked a dangerous question. What was she thinking? She saw the intensity in his eyes when he looked at her, at her eyes, then at her mouth and further down her body. She wanted to retreat but she was frozen in place. Elliot closed his eyes and sighed. She felt his hands gripping hers more firmly, almost to the point that it was painful for her.

'El?'

He shook his head slowly, his eyes still closed.

'No Liv,' he whispered and he opened his eyes to look at her. There was sadness in his eyes. 'We can't go there.'

It was the first time one of them was admitting out loud that there actually was a 'there' they couldn't go. He said 'we', not I. And he was telling her that he would want to go there, if he had a choice. If he could do what he wanted to do. Olivia felt her chest constricting. He didn't have a choice. She shouldn't have asked. She hadn't meant to ask, she had just wondered what he would try to regain if he could make different choices in his life. About his family or his carreer. Somehow they had ended up here and now it was about them. She felt his hands slip away from hers and she let go. He turned away from her and shook his head once more, as if he was trying to clear his thoughts.

'I feel like everything I used to believe in is being challenged lately.'

She remained silent, unsure of what to say.

'First by that street family. Then Merritt Rook. Even my mother. And now this ...'

She wasn't sure if he was referring to Colonel Finley or to her, _them_ , but she could see that everything he had built his life on was shaking. He had always tried to do the right thing but it had cost him. It had cost him dearly. Perhaps he was wondering if it had cost him himself. She didn't know what to say or do to make things better for him.

She _did_ know she still needed him to be her rock. He couldn't crumble, she wouldn't have anything left. It was a selfish thing to think, she knew it. But in order for him to be her rock, he would need to feel like he was on solid ground. He needed the security of his faith, his job and his family. The paradox was suffocating. For him to be what she needed him to be, she would have to push him away. She took a step away from him and said,

'I think you should go home and be with your family.'

She didn't wait for a response and turned around to walk back to the door slowly. Then she felt his hand in hers once more.

'Liv.'

She turned around to face him. He was desperate. He needed something to hold on to. And he decided she was it. Literally. She was stunned when he pulled her into an embrace and pressed his cheek against hers.

'Liv ...' he sighed again.

She had to swallow the lump in her throat before she could make an attempt at speaking. The way his hand was sliding across her back to her waist and back up wasn't helping much either. She clung to the sides of his jacket with both hands, trying to take a breath before speaking again.

'I'm here El,' she said softly, hoping it would be the reassurance he needed. 'Nothing has changed. You are still you, no matter what Dick did.'

'And you are still you,' he whispered.

He was holding on to her. _She_ was his solid ground. Not his job or his family. It was her. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to overthink what that meant.

She finally replied, 'And we are still we.'

She hoped he would understand what she was saying. That what had just transpired between them, had not changed their partnership or their friendship. He loosened his grip on her a little to look into her eyes. He nodded and smiled, but she could see he had been on the brink of crying.

'Thanks,' he said quietly. 'I know I'm not making a lot of sense right now.'

He smiled shyly and she smiled as well.

'Well, it isn't the first time you're not making sense,' she told him, attempting to lighten the mood.

He dropped his hands to his sides and she took a small step back. He looked at her again and he finally seemed to notice her dress.

'Well, that's only when you look like this!' he joked and at last they were laughing again.

She tugged at his hand and they walked to the door together to go back inside. They were okay. There were still them. Benson and Stabler. Nothing had changed. Right?

...


	11. Babes

**"Babes"**

 _Do you feel you have sacrificed too much?_

 _I can't help but wonder sometimes when it will be my turn._

 _What would you do, if you could do anything you wanted to do?_

The words were echoing in his mind. He was glad he and Olivia had talked and relieved that things had not changed between them. Well, not much. Had they? He was still thinking about the choices he had made in his life - and was still making - and whether he had always weighed his options carefully. Or had he just been moving on autopilot, following the rules blindly? Doing what was expected of him without question? He had had some lessons in following his heart when the rules weren't clear, but it was still easier to go by the rules. To do what was best for everyone involved. But were his choices really best for _everyone_ involved or just for everyone else? Were they ever best for _him_? And then there was their latest case ...

...

The case had started with a man who had been castrated and was then burnt to a crisp but it had led them to four girls from Blessed Heart high school who had made a pact to get pregnant. He and Munch had interviewed a few boys with connections to the case, while Olivia had spoken with the girls. Olivia told them that most of the parents weren't any help at all. 'Some of these apples didn't fall far from the tree.'

These four girls had made a choice. And they were facing a lot more. They were only fifteen and sixteen. Cragen wondered what their plan was.

'They're all gonna have their kids,' Olivia told them.

Well, of course they were, Elliot thought. They weren't talking about a new pair of jeans here. Human lives were at stake.

'There's no need to turn a mistake into a bigger mistake,' he said.

'Babies having babies doesn't bother you?' Olivia asked.

'Babies killing babies bothers me.' She should understand that. He might be questioning some of his convictions but he would always defend life - especially unborn life.

'So it's that easy huh, altar boy?' Fin asked.

'Well, there's no rape on incest so yeah, it is that easy. There's a thing called adoption.'

...

For one of the girls, all options were gone. They found her hanging from the lamp in her bedroom, dead. It had been a long day and he was still sitting at his desk, slumped in his chair and staring at nothing in particular. Olivia walked up and sat down on the edge of his desk.

'You okay?' she asked. She only asked him that when she knew he was stewing on something and he smiled up at her.

'I guess. I was just thinking about these girls and all their options. I mean ... getting knocked up by accident is one thing, but to do it on purpose at their age? They have no idea what they are throwing away.'

He knew. He had thrown away the same thing when he got Kathy pregnant when they were only seventeen. The freedom to choose his future.

Olivia nodded and pulled her lower lip between her teeth. He had to make an effort not to stare at her mouth. They were back here _again_? No, they weren't. He was. _What would you do, if you could do anything you wanted to do?_ He swallowed hard and tried to focus on what Olivia was saying.

'I tried to get through to Fidelia and I think it worked,' she said. 'I can't help thinking that maybe that was part of the reason she killed herself ...'

Olivia trailed off and he sat up straight. She couldn't think that. She had meant well.

'Liv, she got these horrible e-mails and she thought they were from her baby's father. It had nothing to do with you giving her a reality check.'

He had put a hand on her knee and when she looked at his hand, he realized that he was touching her more often these days. They didn't do that. Not before. He should be more careful about that. He felt like the invisible wall between them was cracking a bit. In fact, it had been for a while. He pulled his hand away and she looked at him, a hint of surprise in her eyes.

'Still, I went at her hard,' Olivia continued. 'I wanted to get through to her but I think I did take it too far. She ... she got to me a little.'

He could see hesitation in her eyes and he wondered what had caused it. He felt the urge to touch her again but managed to keep his hands clasped together on his desk. He waited for her to continue.

'She asked me if I was jealous because I was _old_ and probably waited too long.'

Her voice was flat but he knew that anything to do with Olivia and babies hit her at some level.

'You're not old Liv.'

Jeez, was that the best he could come up with? She laughed and swatted his shoulder.

'I mean, you're not too old to ... ah hell, you know what I mean,' he stuttered.

'Yeah, I know what you mean El. Don't worry about it. So, Kim is taking that woman to trial for driving Fidelia to suicide?'

She got up from his desk and walked to her own chair. He nodded. ADA Kim Greylek didn't shy away from unusual cases. It would be interesting.

...

He had learned yet another new abbreviation today. Fath wasn't short for father but stood for First And True Husband. It was used in the Chastity Circle at the Blessed Heart high school. Max and Fidelia had both made a commitment to sexual abstinence but Fidelia had obviously broken her promise to Max to be his First And True Wife when she got pregnant by someone else. They went to talk to Max, who had conveniently forgotten to mention that he had gone to see Fidelia the night she died.

Max told them that he had forgiven Fidelia for being untrue to him but Elliot wasn't buying it.

'Really. You forgave her, huh?' He walked over to the boy and sat down close to him. He spoke slowly to really let things sink in with the boy.

'That she gave it up to Dizzer? She took her clothes off for Dizzer. She let Dizzer touch her body all over. She made love to Dizzer ... a complete stranger, and all you got was a broken promise?'

The boy broke. He knew he would. No man could take a visual image like that of the woman they were committed to with another man. When Fidelia kept blowing him off, he had to go see her and he snuck in via the fire escape. None of this would have happened if she had just kept her promise. To him and to God. When he wanted to hug her, Fidelia had slapped him and said she never loved him. She had taunted him about being scared to have sex and he had squeezed her neck to make her stop yelling. When she finally did, she was dead. He had strung her up to make it look like a suicide.

Max was struggling. With his faith. He was sure _he_ didn't do anything bad.

'I've asked for forgiveness every night since,' the boy choked out, crying. 'But God doesn't answer me. He says nothing. _I'm_ the one who kept my promise. I'm _not_ the bad one. Why ... why won't he answer me?'

...

Elliot couldn't wrap his head around the warped image Max had of God being okay with murder under the circumstances. And of thinking he was not the bad one, regardless of what he had done. It was all a matter of perspective. Again. What was wrong and what was right? Of course he knew that murder was wrong and the boy was going to jail. It was the law. He could only hope that Max would learn to see that nothing warranted murder or manslaughter, regardless of circumstances.

But he had to wonder if there were circumstances that would make him kill. Yes. He'd kill for his children and would go to prison willingly. He would accept that he had acted against the law but he still would feel like he had done the right thing.

And so another part of the foundations of his life was shaking. He would go against the law willingly if he knew _in his heart_ that he was doing the right thing. This was taking things a step further than following your heart when the rules weren't clear. It was following his heart _against_ the rules. Where were the rules for that?

He let out a frustrate sigh and Olivia looked at him from across their desks. They were wrapping up some paperwork, finally putting this case behind them. Max had been sentenced to 4 years. The woman who had sent Fidelia the e-mails had attacked Kim after her acquittal, and had been convicted for that. It was a warped kind of karma.

'El, you wanna go grab a drink?'

She must have sensed he was stuck again, thinking about life in general and his own life in particular.

'I think you need to clear your head for a bit.' Yep, she knew.

He wanted to say no, because he wasn't sure what it would do to his mood if he went out with his partner. But a bigger part of him wanted nothing more than to go out with his partner. Was that just his body, aching because of the lack of physical contact over the past months? He felt like Kathy was regretting taking him back into her bed. She would hardly let him touch her anymore. Or was it his heart, wanting to go against the rules and choose a different path? And which path would his heart lead him to? He knew he wouldn't get any answers if he went home. But he probably wouldn't get any answers either if he went with Olivia. So he went with Olivia.

...

'So, how have you been? How's therapy going?'

They were seated in a booth at a bar near her apartment. It wasn't their usual place. Elliot had wanted to get away from the workplace so they had driven over to her building and had walked the few blocks to the bar. He thought it best to deflect attention away from himself and he was waiting for Olivia to tell him she was fine.

'Well, it's ... interesting,' she offered. 'It's pretty new to be looking at things from the other side, so to speak. I think I am functioning though. Don't you think?'

He nodded and slowly drank a few sips of his beer.

'Yeah. You're doing great on the job. Was just wondering about your nights. Any flashbacks or bad dreams?'

She was thinking about his question and he took the opportunity to study her face. She had such smooth skin and he thought the little wrinkles around her eyes were beautiful. And those eyes ... She was beautiful. He had realized that the moment she had walked into the station all those years ago but it struck him again tonight. She was relaxed despite the heavy topic he had addressed and she let her finger trace the rim of her wine glass absentmindedly. When she took another sip before answering his question, she caught him staring at her full lips and cocked an eyebrow.

He quickly looked down at his bottle. When he looked back up, she was smiling slightly.

'I still have the dreams, but not as often as before.'

He was thankful that she was simply answering his question.

'I used to have them whenever, but now it seems like they have to be triggered first. Still happens though.'

'What do you do when it happens? You got an outlet?'

He genuinely wanted to know. She laughed though.

'Why? You offering?'

He had difficulty processing what she had just said and why. She was grinning widely at him now. Was she really thinking ...

'Liv!'

He hoped she wouldn't notice the blush that was creeping up his face. She laughed again and made a swatting gesture.

'I'm just kidding Elliot. Lighten up.'

'I meant,' he said, emphasizing each word carefully, 'for the fear and the anxiety. What _are_ you thinking woman!'

She downed the rest of her wine and signaled the waiter for another round. Then she muttered, 'You don't want to know what I'm thinking.'

She didn't look at him now and he swallowed hard. He did. He did want to know. Every little detail. And he wanted her beautiful mouth to describe them to him. But she seemed to regret her comments and suddenly asked him what was up with him.

'You've been distracted all afternoon. Still thinking about the case?'

He nodded again, drinking the rest of his beer while their second round was placed on the table.

'You said something when we first caught this case about these kids throwing away their futures. Is that what is getting to you again?'

'Yeah.'

He leaned back in his seat and stared at some point above her head. Olivia was silent and after a while he looked at her face again. She was deep in thought and was frowning a bit.

'No words of wisdom for me tonight?' he asked her, hoping to see her smile again.

Her eyes met his but she wasn't smiling. She seemed worried. About what? Him?

'El, you are not going to break down on me, are you?'

She was dead serious. He couldn't just laugh it off.

'I mean it El. This has been going on for weeks, no months. If you start questioning everything you've based your life on, you're not going to make it. You need something to hold on to ...'

She stopped talking and looked at him, a question in her eyes. He realized he had been staring at her in complete shock. How could she possibly know all of this? He rubbed his face with both hands and took a deep breath. Well, she had just been paying attention. They had talked about it several times. He just had not expected her to notice how much it was affecting him. But he had almost broken down on the roof not long ago, and he realized it would have been difficult for her not to notice. This wasn't just happening in his head. He had allowed her to see it before.

While his beliefs were being challenged he needed at least one part of his life to remain the same. Family, faith, job. The job. The job would have to stay the same. It was the least ambiguous. Wasn't it?

'El. Say something.'

She really was worried about him. She was the one with the PTSD and _his_ life was crumbling. He said he needed some air. He got up and walked outside, knowing she would follow him. She gestured to the bartender that they'd be back. He walked around the corner of the bar and leant against the wall, taking deep breaths. Olivia stood next to him, placing her hand on his arm.

'I feel like my life is slipping away from me Liv,' he sighed. 'Like it has slipped away already and there is nothing I can do about it. Everything has been decided already.'

'So you're not happy,' she said softly. 'Because if you were, you wouldn't mind having everything planned out already.'

The truth hurt but he needed to hear it. He was not happy. He looked at his partner, who still looked very worried about him. He felt like he was suffocating and he didn't know what to do. _I can't help but wonder sometimes when it will be my turn._ What would he do if it was his turn? He pushed himself off the wall and took a step forward.

'Can we just get out of here?' he asked her. He needed to walk it off. She nodded and went back inside to pay their tab. When she came back, she looped her arm through his.

'Where to?' she asked, and he could tell she was trying to cheer him up, but she was tense herself. She didn't need this, he thought. She was recovering from a sexual assault. She needed a strong partner. A good friend who didn't have any issues. Not a man with a midlife crisis, questioning all the choices he had ever made in his life.

'I'll walk you home,' he told her and they started walking. She let go of his arm and they walked side by side, like so many times before. Only it wasn't the same. Not for him. He couldn't get the turmoil to stop in his head and his heart.

After a few minutes she told him that maybe he should see someone as well. It really helped her to talk to an outsider. He laughed, a bitter laugh and asked her what he should tell a therapist. That he wanted to go back in time and change everything? He would just have to accept what life had thrown at him and deal with it. It was what he did. Deal with it.

'Would you really want to change everything?' she asked quietly.

Had he just said that? He had. He shouldn't have. But it was the truth. His life was not what he had imagined it to be. _What would you do, if you could do anything you wanted to do?_ _You're living your father's life all over again. If you could only find a way to be your own man ..._ But it was too late. He couldn't do what he had really wanted to do. He couldn't change his career at his age and become an architect or an astronaut. And he couldn't have what he really wanted to have. _Olivia ..._

'El?'

Had he just said her name out loud? No, he just hadn't answered her question. He stopped abruptly, seeing they were nearing her building.

'No,' he whispered. 'Not everything.'

He turned to face her and she did the same. He put his hands on her upper arms and sighed again.

'Not you. I wouldn't change you.'

He didn't know why he suddenly felt the need to touch her. Maybe because she was the only solid ground he had left in his life. They were Benson and Stabler. A team. The best team. She was searching his eyes, clearly wondering where he was taking this. He didn't know where he was taking this. He just had an overwhelming need to touch her. Hold her. Kiss her ... _What would you do, if you could do anything you wanted to do?_ She seemed to pick up on his thoughts because she tried to take a step back. She would expect him to let go of her but he didn't. Not this time. Her breathing had picked up and so did his. He moved closer to her and she tried to move back again. But she didn't struggle. She wasn't fighting him, just warning him with her eyes to consider what he was doing. But he was done considering. Done being the responsible one. Done with accepting his fate without a fight. He was done ... denying himself.  
He put a hand behind her head and pulled her towards him. Before he could rethink what he was doing, he kissed her.

She froze. She didn't move away. She didn't do anything. He pulled back slightly after the first firm kiss, and then kissed her again. A softer, more tentative kiss. She sighed against his lips and had closed her eyes. She still wasn't moving away. Her lips were parted now and he kissed her again, tugging at her lower lip and then running his tongue along her upper lip before closing his mouth over hers once more. He was tasting her and couldn't stop now. He felt like his whole body was on fire. Her hands were on his chest but she didn't push him away while he pulled her in closer. She tilted her head and returned his kiss for one, two, three seconds. It felt like they were sudenly one body, so totally connected that they shared one heartbeat, one bloodstream, one breath. _Then_ she pushed him away.

Her breath was shaky. He was holding his, waiting for her to speak, while his heart almost burst out of his chest. He waited for her to become angry. To ask what the hell he was doing. To reject him. But she didn't look at him and looked down at the ground in stead, while she took a step back. Had she felt it too?

'El, I can't ...' she whispered, so softly that he could barely hear her.

'Liv ...'

'No!' She regained her voice. 'I can't. I _won't_.'

She turned around and walked the rest of the way to her building quickly. She wouldn't. Of course she wouldn't. His heart broke for her. She would never want to come second. Be the other woman. And he didn't want her to be the _other_ woman. He started running after her and caught up with her just as she was entering the building. He put his hand on her back, not wanting to grab her. She stopped and turned around. She had tears in her eyes.

'Please Elliot. Let's just forget it. Let's not do anything we'll regret in the morning. Go home. I'll see you tomorrow.'

She had spoken calmly but she was clearly affected by what had happened. He didn't know what to say. He was a bastard. He had just risked his marriage as well as his partnership and he didn't even feel guilty about it. Something had snapped inside him. He was so tired of always doing what was best for everyone else. He had finally done something _he_ wanted to do. And it had been magical. But he would never want to hurt Olivia. So he let her go. She was already inside and he let the door close behind her. He walked back to the car slowly. They would need to talk about it but right now he had to follow Olivia's lead.

He drove several miles before he pulled over to call her from the car. He was relieved that she picked up.

'Liv, I'm sorry for springing this on you ... can we talk about it?'

She was silent for a while. He heard her breathing and waited.

'El, it's okay. I know you have a lot on your plate and you're confused. I'd rather have you be confused with me than with some random stranger, okay? We're good. Don't worry about it.'

She was letting him off the hook. He didn't want to be let off the hook but it would have to do for now. Tomorrow, they would talk. And he would not hold back. He was done holding back.

...


	12. Wildlife (1)

**"Wildlife" (1)**

Olivia hadn't slept much. She was replaying the events of the evening in her mind, over and over again. They had talked about personal stuff. Not really in depth, but still, it had been personal. He had been so restless lately that it was unsettling sometimes and she had called him on it. He seemed to be doubting himself so much that she was worried he might break down. He hadn't really snapped then and there but what _had_ happened? What had possessed him to kiss her? They didn't cross that line. They flirted, for fun. She had even flirted with him at the bar that evening. But they never touched. Well, they had been touching each other more lately, but still, not like that. They were partners and best friends and they didn't want to lose that. So why? why had he kissed her? And why did she still remember exactly what it had felt like?

 _She felt his hold on her arms tighten slightly when she tried to step back. He didn't let go. Her breathing had picked up and so did his. When he moved closer again she realized that something had shifted inside him. She had been worried about him but she had not expected this ... And then he put a hand behind her head and pulled her in to kiss her. She froze. His kiss was strong, almost demanding. She couldn't move until he pulled back and kissed her again, softly this time. The first shock was wearing off and she breathed out slowly, eyes closed. What was he doing? And why? Why now? He kissed her a third time and she shuddered when he tugged at her lower lip first and then ran his tongue along her upper lip before pressing his lips to hers again. She couldn't help it. She joined in. Every nerve in her body seemed to respond to his touch and she let go. Just for a few seconds. It felt as if they weren't even two people anymore, as if they were melting into each other completely. But when she opened her eyes, reality came crashing in. What was she doing? He was married. They were partners. They didn't do this. It would change everything._

 _She pushed him away and didn't dare look at him._

 _'El, I can't ...' she whispered. She couldn't do this. He was married and she was not a home wrecker. She shouldn't have let this happen._

 _'Liv ...' she heard him say, almost pleading with her._

 _'No! I can't. I won't.'_

 _She walked away, heading for the safety of her apartment building. She needed to get away from him. He followed her of course. But she pleaded with him, trying to blink away some annoying moist in her eyes._

 _'Please Elliot. Let's just forget it. Let's not do anything we'll regret in the morning. Go home. I'll see you tomorrow.'_

She was relieved he had not followed her up. She couldn't talk about it now. He had called her, of course. And she really had meant it when she said that she'd rather have him be 'confused' with her, as she had put it, than with some random stranger. If he was going to kiss someone, why not her. It _should_ be her. She couldn't stand the thought that he might actually kiss someone else. That he would make someone else feel what she had felt when they kissed each other. And although she ached to feel that again, he needed to think about what he had done. And surely he would come to his senses. He always did the right thing.  
It had been a long, dark night and she dreaded going back to work.

...

Olivia was actually glad that they had to go to a crime scene right away. She would meet him there and having a case to focus on would definitely help. The victim was apparently a model or an actress. They split up and Elliot went off with Fin to take a closer look at the after hours club scene their victim seemed to have enjoyed. Meanwhile, she would show her picture around at some modeling agencies. Elliot found a new lead first and the signal of a cell phone their victim had called often led them to Hannah, their vic Natalie's twin sister, then to Gots Money, a rapper with a pet tiger, and finally to a smuggling ring that was into rare animal species.

Olivia caught up with Elliot when he went up to change into casual clothes to meet the smuggler, Bushido. Gots had agreed to set up a meeting at the smuggler's warehouse. Elliot would pretend to be a customs agent looking for some more action. She had hardly spoken with him at all yet and even though she dreaded the confrontation, she couldn't leave things hanging between them indefinitely.

He raised his eyebrows when he saw her come in, just when he was changing into another shirt. _Great timing Benson._ She got a glimpse of his impressive torso just before he pulled the shirt over his head and slipped his arms through the sleeves. His eyes never left hers and she felt like he was staring straight into her soul. She didn't really know what to say but they needed to talk. Right?

'You get some sleep?' Elliot asked. He finally stopped staring at her and turned towards his locker to pull out a jacket.

'Not much,' Olivia admitted.

'Me either,' he said, facing her again after putting the jacket on.

'Elliot ...'

He put up a hand and she waited for him to say something. Anything.

'I know we need to talk Liv, but I can't right now. I have to go. I'm sorry ...'

She nodded. 'I know you are El.' He was coming to his senses.

'But I'm not sorry about last night.'

Her eyes went wide and before she knew what hit her, he pulled her against his chest again.

'I have to leave now,' he breathed in her neck, 'but when I get back we'll finish this ... conversation.'

He grinned before adding the last word and he kissed her very quickly on the cheek before releasing her and walking off. She blew out her breath, feeling some anger bubbling up to the surface that he was leaving her like that. He wasn't sorry about kissing her? He should be ... he _should_ be! He couldn't just flash his muscular chest at her and take her in his arms and make her yearn for more. It wasn't fair. He wasn't hers to have anyway. They'd established that a long time ago. He was just confused and he would return back to normal soon. She took a deep breath and walked back to the squad room, hoping Elliot had already left for the warehouse.

...

He was back. Cragen was not amused that Elliot had posed as a customs agent without clearing it with him. He had no choice but to OK the operation now but he didn't appreciate being kept out of the loop like that. But since Elliot had managed to snag some tiger hair that matched the tiger that had killed Natalie, the smuggler was now officially their target, and Elliot was going in.

Kathy called on her line and Olivia felt a small pang of guilt when she heard his wife's voice. She put a hand over the phone and told Elliot softly that Kathy wanted to know when he'd be back. She couldn't help wondering how long he had been away from home for her to be calling. Elliot told her to tell Kathy he was in the field. So now she was lying to his wife. This was just getting better by the minute.

Agent Brianna Kalke from Fish and Wildlife came in, telling them her agency had been working Bushido's crew for almost a year. She briefed them on what they had on Bushido and his sidekick Tybor so far. Olivia wandered off and stood behind the tech who was changing Elliot's data to create his undercover persona Mike, the customs agent. She looked at his picture and at all the information that was changing on the screen. His name, address, date of birth, marital status.

'Our Mike's divorced?' she asked.

'Didn't touch that,' the tech said without looking up. He was in a hurry. Everything needed to be set up before Bushido started digging into Mike's background. Olivia frowned. He didn't change the marital status? What was that about? She turned around and headed back to her own computer, pulling up Kathy's data. Elliot and agent Kalke had already left because of a call about dogs fighting in Gots' apartment. Sure enough, there it was. Kathy Malone, divorced since December 19, 2006. That was almost two years ago.

Olivia felt a chill running up her spine. They were still divorced ... Was Elliot even aware of that? He was living with his family again and was wearing his ring, but apparently they had never annulled the divorce. She couldn't believe it. Elliot never said anything about it and she had just assumed the divorce had never even been finalized when he got Kathy pregnant again, just a few months after signing the papers. Which was kind of ironic, because they were separated for over two years before the divorce. She didn't know what to think but they were definitely having that talk, soon.

...

The next thing she heard, Elliot was going back to Bushido, who had asked to meet him. They had put him up in a house in Queens where he would have to stay for as long as he was undercover. He was now a customs agent at JFK. Olivia decided to go over to his home to inform Kathy in person. It was the least she could do. Deep down, she knew she was trying to atone for the guilt that was gnawing at her. She was trying to convince herself that Elliot had kissed her, not the other way around. But remembering the kiss and that amazing feeling of becoming completely one with another human being ... she knew she was just as much to blame in the end. And she felt guilty about wanting to experience that again.

Kathy was pissed. She could see the pain in the woman's eyes and Kathy did the exact same thing she would have done herself. She didn't cry, she just got mad. She yelled at Olivia for lying to her on the phone and she lashed out at Elliot because he couldn't even pick up the phone to tell her he was going undercover. She stormed out and came back with a pile of clothes for little Eli. They were leaving. She was leaving him. Again.

'Don't you think you should sleep on it before you make such a huge decision?' Olivia tried but Kathy's mind was made up.

'I did,' she sighed, 'but I can't take this anymore.'

Eli was whimpering and she really felt for the little boy. He never asked for any of this. Olivia asked where they were going.

'I don't know,' Kathy snapped. She obviously just wanted to leave. 'Does it matter? He won't call!'

'He would if he could,' Olivia assured her. She couldn't help defending him, even now. Eli started crying and the look in Kathy's eyes was one of despair.

'Kathy, I will make sure that he does,' she promised her.

Kathy shrugged and sighed.

'We're going to my mom's. I'm waking up the twins too. I'll take my cell phone with me so if Elliot wants to call me, he can use that number.'

She brushed past Olivia to pack some more things and wake up Dickie and Liz. Olivia didn't know what to do and left quietly. All she could do was keep her promise and have Elliot call his wife ... ex-wife. Girlfriend? God, this was difficult. To make matters even more uncomfortable, he wasn't answering his phone. Since she was in Queens already she decided she might as well head over to his temporary place.

It was late but they needed to stay in touch with Elliot while he was undercover. She would confront him about not answering his phone, tell him about Kathy leaving and be off again. That was the plan. She straightened her shoulders and shook her head at herself. Since when did she need a plan before meeting her partner? And why on earth would she be nervous about it? She knocked on the door and waited impatiently for him to open it. The door flew open just when she knocked again, and Elliot pulled her inside by her arm immediately.

'Are you crazy? They could have somebody watching the place!' he said, keeping his voice down.

'We lost contact with you,' she explained quickly, 'I had to come. Why aren't you answering the cell phone we gave you?'

'Because they took it along with my wallet. There was nothing I could do about it.'

She quickly pulled her own phone out of the jacket she was carrying and told him to hide it somewhere. She would tell Cragen that he had it.

He walked over to the window and told her, 'Tell Kathy too.'

'I just saw her.'

Elliot peered out the window to check that no one was coming. He was only wearing boxer briefs and she couldn't help looking at his backside while he leaned over a bit to the window. What was wrong with her ... they were discussing Kathy and she was checking out his ass? Elliot turned around and looked at her.

'Is she mad?'

'She's worse than mad and I can't say that I blame her.' It was true, to an extent. 'El ... she left.'

'Left? Wh.. what do you mean? What did you say to her?' Elliot stammered.

'Excuse me?'

Was he serious? He couldn't be serious! She let out a frustrated sigh and turned around to leave. She wasn't even going to try to have this conversation. Whatever the issues between him and Kathy were, he was not putting this on her.

'Liv ...'

He was suddenly right behind her and she turned back around to face him.

'She's pissed at you Elliot, not me,' she spat. 'I promised her I would have you call her, that is what I said. She left anyway. She took the kids and her cell phone. Call that number.'

She turned around to leave again but Elliot grabbed her arm and stopped her from turning away.

'Liv, I'm sorry. I know you are not to blame. This is all on me. I ... I haven't been home for days.'

'What? Why?'

'You know why.'

...

 **(To be continued ...)**


	13. Wildlife (2)

**"Wildlife" (2)**

 _'She's pissed at you Elliot, not me,' she spat. 'I promised her I would have you call her, that is what I said. She left anyway. She took the kids and her cell phone. Call that number.'_

 _She turned around to leave again but Elliot grabbed her arm and stopped her from turning away._

 _'Liv, I'm sorry. I know you are not to blame. This is all on me. I ... I haven't been home for days.'_

 _'What? Why?'_

 _'You know why.'_

He watched her closely to read her response to his admission. Maybe they shouldn't have this conversation here, while he was undercover and in nothing but his boxer briefs. She dropped her gaze and he tried to think of something to say to make her less uncomfortable with the situation. She looked up again and he could tell she was at a loss for words. When she did take a breath to say something, he cut her off by placing a finger on her mouth.

'Shhh. As soon as this gig is over we will talk. I just need you to relax and not freak out okay?'

Her eyes had gone a little wider but she nodded and looked away. He saw the fight leave her eyes and he rubbed her upper arms with his hands. She managed a small smile.

'Okay. But you are going to fix things,' she said.

He wasn't sure what that meant and he wondered if she knew what it meant herself. He promised her he would fix things. He would. He just didn't know how yet.

Then there was a knock on the door and they heard an angry voice. It was Bushido. They had to think of something fast or his cover would be blown. Elliot quickly put her phone back in her hands and ushered her out of the living room, telling her to go out the back. She ran towards the bedroom and Elliot walked to the door slowly to open it, while trying to think of a plausible reason to have female company late at night. Just in case Olivia didn't manage to get out in time.

Bushido and Tybor were not amused and they quickly spotted Olivia's brown leather jacket.

'You wearin' ladies panties too?' Tybor asked, holding up the jacket.

They heard someone flush the toilet. It had to be Olivia, which meant she had a plan. They could do this and whatever she had thought of, he would play along. Tybor drew his weapon and they pushed him towards the bedroom, shoving him inside, which made him stumble onto the bed. He jumped up and just then, the bathroom door opened. Olivia strode into the bedroom in her bra and jeans and walked in Elliot's direction seductively, her hands running through her hair, asking him,

'Mmmm, are you ready for me Daddy?'

 _Wow. Looking good. Good plan!_ Elliot had to think fast and play along. This had to be convincing. Olivia was perfect and his performance had to be as well. She sauntered towards him and then turned to look at the other men in the bedroom, acting a little surprised.

'Ooh, didn't know we were having a party. That's gonna be a hundred to watch, two fifty to join. Each.'

She was smiling and hugging him and he played along. It wasn't difficult but it was an act. He was aware of the danger to both of them. This wasn't about Olivia and Elliot, this was Benson and Stabler in action. And he was being the perfect shy guy.

'Guy's gotta eat huh?' he told the men, wrapping his arms around Olivia and grinning from ear to ear. Bushido and Tybor were not amused though and told him to get her out of there. They tossed her shirt over to him and Elliot caught it.

'Why so tense?' Olivia asked him, still playing her role and caressing his chest while pressing her semi-naked upper body against his. Staying in character, he told her 'not tonight' and like any good business woman she let him know he'd still have to pay. When Tybor showed her his gun, she stopped smiling and let go of Elliot. He watched closely while Tybor pushed her out of the bedroom and followed them to make sure they were actually letting her go. She asked if she could at least get dressed before they kicked her out into the street, but she was outside within seconds, still holding her shirt and jacket. The door was closed and locked behind her immediately.

Bushido got a phone call and it looked like the game was on to smuggle a baby gibbon across the border. Bushido sent Tybor away to make preparations while 'Mike' was coming with him. Elliot quickly got dressed and went with Bushido.

...

It was a short drive and Bushido stopped in a quiet street in front of a building without any windows. He told Elliot to go inside and grab the cage. Elliot was surprised. Here? Were they smuggling a monkey in or out? And how did it get here? He got out of the car and wanted to walk over to the building when Bushido called after him.

'Oh and Mike, take this with you,' Bushido told him. Before he could even wonder what 'this' was, Bushido pulled a gun on him and fired. Twice.

He was on the ground. He heard a car pull away, screeching tires. Then nothing. Just his own heartbeat and ragged breathing. His body wasn't moving. Why not? What happened? Did he just get shot? He heard people mumbling. Someone leaned over him, telling him to hold on. He heard a siren. More mumbling. Where was he? Another voice. Panic. Olivia?

'Detective Olivia Benson, Manhattan SVU. We have an officer down at the corner of Clarence and Queens Avenue. I repeat we have an officer down ...'

Olivia? He couldn't breathe normally, just in small bursts. Olivia was there. How?

'Elliot? Elliot, can you hear me?' He felt her hand caressing his hair and forehead. 'Can you hear me? Elliot ...'

Pressure on his shoulder. Whispering. _Please don't leave me. Please God, don't let him die. Elliot ... stay with me. Don't you die on me now. You can't do this to me. Not now ..._ Other people pulling at him. Where was she? Sirens again. Then people talking over his head. About him. Bullets. Blood loss. Olivia ... then nothing.

...

Elliot was sitting upright in a hospital bed, clad in a charming hospital gown and with his left arm in a sling. He was fully awake now and had been briefed by the doctors on what had happened to him. His body had been in shock temporarily but he was fine now. The bullets had missed vital organs. They had tried to convince him to take it easy for a while because of his stitches but all he wanted was to get out of the hospital. He smiled when he saw Olivia come in.

'You're supposed to duck,' she told him. She had bought him a magazine.

'You were supposed to leave,' he countered, but he smiled appreciatively. He knew very well that he would not have left her without backup either.

'Well, when my partner hangs out with scumbags I like to stick around, see what happens.' She smirked and handed him the magazine.

'Thanks. How are we playin' it?' Elliot asked.

'Cragen leaked a story to the news, customs agent shot and killed, running by his house. Probably a robbery.'

She told him they were about to pay Bushido and Tybor a visit. Fin was running point and Cragen was with him.

She sat down on the edge of the bed on Elliot's good side. He smiled up at her and put his hand on her knee. She put her hand over his and looked down at their hands, waiting for him to speak. He knew the ball was in his court now. He was the one who wanted to finish their conversation so he should be the one to bring it up.

'Liv, I don't know what to say to you,' he said hesitantly.

She looked at him and he saw in her eyes that she was trying to stay detached.

'You'd better think of something Elliot because I don't know what you expect of me.'

He took a deep breath and she braced herself visibly. He wasn't sure if she was expecting him to back off after all or forge ahead on this new road he had chosen. He knew he wanted to forge ahead. The instant she had returned his kiss, he had been certain. He had never been more certain of anything in his life. So he needed to make that very clear to her once and for all. He cleared his throat. Truth time.

'I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I want,' he told her.

She frowned and bit her lower lip.

'What do you want, Elliot?'

'I don't want to live in denial anymore Liv. You were right, I am not happy. And the reason I'm not happy is that I have lived my entire life doing what was expected of me. When I finally started realizing that, I started questioning my decisions.'

Olivia nodded. 'I noticed that,' she said softly. She was rubbing the back of his hand with her thumb and he wondered if she realized she was doing it.

'When you asked me the other day what I would do if I could do anything I wanted to do, all I could think of was kissing you. I want to be with you Liv. Only with you.'

He had to swallow a lump in his throat. He had never been this honest with her before and he knew there was no going back. And he didn't want to go back. He didn't know what he would do if she rejected him. All he knew was that he wanted her to know. Once and for all. He looked at her and saw her lips were trembling. She was looking down, taking deep breaths and he knew things had changed between them permanently. He couldn't take his confession back and he wasn't planning to try. He was at her mercy now.

'Liv, please tell me what you're thinking,' he said softly. 'I know that technically I'm still married but ...'

'No. You're not.'

'What?' What did she just say?

'Technically,' she said, repeating his choice of words, 'you are not married.'

Now he was confused.

'You will have to explain that to me.'

She did. She told him what she had found in the city's public records and explained why she had looked it up. She asked him if he never got a confirmation letter that his divorce had been finalized. He admitted that he didn't always pay attention to his mail and he probably had the letter somewhere. Apparently. He'd never even asked Kathy about it. He had just assumed that things hadn't been finalized yet. When she told him she was pregnant again he had gone back home. He had put his ring back on and as far as he knew, they were still married. And now Olivia told him they weren't. He didn't know how to feel about that and he needed to see for himself. If it was true, he would have to confront Kathy about it. He'd been divorced for almost two years ... but he didn't feel divorced. He felt unfaithful. But he wasn't sorry about it. He might be unfaithful to Kathy now but he had been unfaithful to his own heart for years. Until now.

Olivia was looking at him, trying to read him. He wasn't sure what he was feeling or how he should respond to this information. He didn't really doubt that she was telling the truth. She wouldn't lie to him, and certainly not about something like this.

'So ...' he finally said, 'I am not legally married and Kathy left me again.'

He looked into her brown eyes and couldn't prevent a small smile from forming on his face.

'How 'bout that.'

Olivia's cheeks turned pink and she looked down at their hands again.

'Yeah ... how, 'bout that,' she replied softly.

'Liv, look at me,' he whispered. She looked up hesitantly.

'You know, you kissed me too.'

She bit her lip and nodded. 'I know. And I felt so guilty ...'

'Was that all you felt?'

His heart was beating fast and he grabbed her hand, wanting to pull her towards him. But he needed to know she wanted it too. Olivia was trembling slightly. He knew this was scary. He was scared as well. Everything was changing. Their friendship, their partnership ... their partnership! She was thinking the exact same thing. He could see it in her eyes. It was still complicated.

'El ... we can't ... the job.'

'Liv. Tell me, what did you feel? What do _you_ want?'

He was terrified that she would pull away. He needed to know if she was feeling the same as he was. He thought he knew but he wasn't so sure now. Maybe she wouldn't admit it. Or maybe she just didn't want it ... He could see his own fear reflected in her eyes. She opened her mouth to say something but she had no words. Well, actions speak louder than words, he thought. He let go of her hand and reached up to her face. She closed her eyes even before his hand touched her cheek. Her breath was shaky and he could see tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. He moved forward as best he could with his arm in the sling until she opened her eyes. She sighed and finally moved as well. She leaned over to him, closing the remaining distance between them and kissed him. _She_ kissed _him_.

He moaned softly as their lips touched and moved his hand to the back of her neck. She wrapped her arms around his neck as well and kissed him more fiercely. He felt like the room was spinning and had to break the kiss to catch his breath. She kissed him again immediately, slipping her tongue between his parted lips. He moaned again when their tongues touched and pulled her closer as he sank back against the pillows of the hospital bed. She moved with him, moving up the bed as they explored each others' mouths. They were one. Their hearts beat as one and they breathed as one. His hand moved from her neck to her back and he pulled her even closer to him. She was giving in to this _thing_ that had been between them for so long. She wasn't the other woman. She was the only woman. And she was kissing him. The soft moans coming from her throat as they continued to kiss went straight to his groin. He wanted to touch more of her but this was hardly the place. She was panting when she finally broke off the kiss and almost seemed shy.

'Wow ...' he sighed. 'What brought this on?'

She smiled and moved away from him a little, looking around to see if anyone had seen the exchange between them. They were alone.

'I almost lost you today,' she sighed. 'When I realized that I ... Well, I kinda broke down in the ladies room earlier,' she admitted. 'I was angry. You had no right to kiss me and then die on me. Just this morning I was ready to push you away from me and not let this happen. And then you got shot, and I wanted nothing more than to pull you in and never let you go again. It's still complicated, I know that. We're partners and best friends. But you just couldn't die on me now because I would never know what might have been ... And then they told me you would be fine and you're not married and Kathy left and I ... I just had to kiss you again. To make sure ...'

He grinned because she was rambling a bit. They never talked to each other like this. It was new for both of them.

'You had to make sure that what?' he inquired, his voice still trembling after their scorching kiss.

'That it would be the same a second time,' she said timidly.

'And? Was it?'

She smiled. 'Yeah. Well, no ... it was better.'

'Come here you,' he told her, pulling her closer by her hand.

He kissed her softly on the lips and smiled when she opened her mouth again to grant him access.

'Hungry are we?' he joked against her lips before deepening the kiss and giving her what she was asking for.

'Oh God,' she sighed in his neck after they had finally broken off the kiss. 'This is going to be difficult. You know we still have a job to do ...'

There was a soft knock on the door and they quickly let go of each other when the doctor came in with Elliot's release papers. If the doctor had noticed something, he didn't show it and Elliot was grateful for his professionalism. The doctor stressed that he would have to take it easy for at least a week or his stitches might not hold and his recovery would only take longer. She gave them both a stern look and Elliot got the message. So did Olivia, who smiled slightly without looking at him. After the doctor left, they agreed that they would both go to their respective homes. Elliot would call Kathy and talk to her, and probably go over to her mothers' to talk things out. Olivia made him promise he would take it easy and he said he'd try. She would be back on duty the next day and he told her not to worry about him or Kathy. He would deal with it.

...

Kathy had been livid. He had missed Eli's first birthday. He couldn't believe it himself either. But when he confronted her about their divorce she had fallen silent. She had known all along. He wanted to come over and talk to her but Kathy had told him in no uncertain terms not to bother. She was done with him. They were divorced and there was nothing left to discuss. She would cooperate with custody arrangements but she doubted he would even be able to keep appointments with his kids.

Her words had stung. He had tried to be a good father to his kids but he knew that they had also suffered because of his job. It seemed like doing the right thing, working hard to provide for his family, still wasn't the right thing. Whatever he did, he was screwed. It wouldn't stop him from trying though, for the sake of his kids. And it wouldn't stop him from doing his job.

In fact, he was back at the station the next afternoon to finish what he had started with Bushido and Tybor. He exchanged a quick glance with Olivia but she was completely professional. They had a lead on the flight that was bringing in the baby gibbon and went to the airport. Cragen and Elliot tried to spot the smuggler from a lookout point while Olivia and Fin were on the ground. It all went down very fast and naturally he busted his stitches while giving chase. He caught Bushido and Olivia caught Tybor. At least he could do the right thing on the job. He walked over to Olivia who was putting Tybor in the car. She seemed upset.

'What?' he asked her.

'He's a cop.'

'Dirty?'

'Undercover.'

Olivia walked off and he leaned over to Tybor to talk to him.

'You want me to call your family?' he asked him.

'Family's gone. Lost them a long time ago,' Tybor said, his voice laced with bitterness. 'This life proved too much for 'em.'

Elliot watched as the squad car drove off, taking Tybor to central booking. He knew the toll the job took on the families of the officers. He knew only too well. He had just lost his, again. And no matter how much he had doubted his decisions and no matter what he was now venturing into with Olivia, his family had not deserved this. He had failed them. And while he would continue to try and do right by his children, right now, all he had left was his job. And Olivia. And he wasn't going to wreck that. Not this time.

...


	14. Smut (1)

**A/N I'm getting a little frustrated because of the dates in the episodes. The previous one was clearly in November and then they switched back to September / October. So I am just going to stick to the airing dates regardless of dates and time spans within episodes (skipping an ep here and there) or this is going to be very confusing ... And for the record, underlined print in _all_ my stories are direct quotes from the show. I don't own those, NBC and Dick Wolf do.**

...

 **"Smut" (1)**

The job was keeping Olivia busy. Elliot had been to Jersey for a few days to try and talk things through with Kathy and had called her only once to let her know he'd be back to work the next day. His shoulder was healing properly and she was glad he had been able to spend some time with his youngest three kids while he was on leave. As soon as he returned they had a new case and she met up with him at the hospital. Her heart jumped up when she saw him but they had a job to do so she tried to focus on that.

They quickly found out that their rape victim, Kelly Sun, had no memory at all of her attack and Olivia felt terrible to have to convince her that it had actually happened. They talked for a minute while Kelly was taking a shower and Olivia told him,

'I don't know what's worse. Not being able to remember your attack or not being able to forget it.'

Elliot gave her an understanding look. The nurse told them Kelly was ready and Elliot suggested they split up. Maybe Kelly would tell her more one on one. Just before she turned around, he flashed his left hand at her with a wink. He wasn't wearing his ring anymore. She smiled and watched him walk away. They were on the job and they were good for now. They'd talk later.

...

A writer who used to work for the same publisher pointed them to a global courier agency called Pakidala, who paid people's plane tickets if they would deliver certain packages for them. Kelly was one of their couriers and they headed out together to talk to the people running the agency.

Elliot was quiet on the car ride over there and Olivia figured he was focused on the case. As he should be, and she should be as well. Still, she wanted to hear how things went with Kathy. Him taking off his ring didn't have to mean much. It just meant that he acknowledged not being legally married anymore. She glanced at his profile and remembered what it had felt like to kiss him. He seemed so distant now, almost as if he was a different person. Maybe he was just being professional but she had to admit she missed the other Elliot. The one who wasn't afraid anymore to show her his feelings. The one who had told her he wanted to be with her and only her. She had been dying to hear those words from him, never really expecting it to actually happen. And now that he had said it, she wanted more. He was free now for her to love him. Or so she thought. What if he had come to an agreement with Kathy? What if they were trying again, without being married? She knew it wasn't a piece of paper that kept people together. They had five children. That was an unbreakable bond between them, one she could never interfere with. And she didn't want to interfere. She just wanted him.

She sighed when she pulled up in front of the courier agency and Elliot looked at her.

'Hey,' he said softly and she looked at him.

'Let's get the job done first, okay?'

She nodded. He knew she wanted to talk and he wanted it too. She was incredibly relieved and got out of the car quickly to shake it off. _No need to get emotional Benson. It's only Elliot._ She laughed at herself. Who was she kidding.

Video footage from the airport pointed them in the direction of a suspect quickly. Eric Lutz readily admitted sleeping with Kelly but claimed it was completely consensual. She must have been attacked afterwards. Kelly still didn't remember him though and was very upset when he came to visit her at the hospital. She threw a vase at him when she realized he was the one who had raped her. She would never have gone home with a complete stranger. Elliot interviewed Lutz while Olivia talked with Kelly again. Their stories didn't match at all because Kelly simply couldn't remember any of it. It had been a very unsatisfying day and to top it off, Elliot had to redo some paperwork from before he got shot. Olivia apologized for leaving him at the station but she had a support group meeting that she really didn't want to miss this time. This case was getting to her a little. Elliot understood and winked at her when she left. It made her stomach flutter and she laughed at herself. If they kept up this slow dance, would they be able to focus on their jobs in the long run?

...

The next day, Melinda finally got a hit on Kelly's blood work, which she had checked again after hearing that Eric had been planning to go to Bogota. She had found scopolamine in her blood, a Columbian drug that keeps a victim conscious but controllable. Someone doped with scopolamine would do whatever they were told, plus it blocked memory formation so Kelly literally had no memory of the attack.

They went back to Lutz's house to search his place an go through his credit card statements to see if he had ever purchased the dangerous drug. They didn't find that but they did find an incredible collection of rape pornography. They were shocked to find a hidden hard drive with an actual video of Lutz raping Kelly and similar videos of four other women. He was a serial rapist. Who lawyered up instantly of course. And then Kim saw a problem with the videos. Lutz was telling his victims to fight back and they did. It would be difficult to convince a jury that it wasn't an act so they would need to find the other victims.

They were going over the videos but Olivia couldn't watch them any longer. She needed some air and went up to the roof. It didn't take Elliot long to join her. He stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, leaning his chin on her shoulder. It felt good to have his arms around her again.

'Too confronting?' he asked softly and she nodded. The worst thing was, these women had no memory at all of their attack. She wished she had no memory of her own attack sometimes and she dreaded identifying the women and upsetting their lives. As long as they didn't know, they wouldn't be victims. Elliot tried to convince her that no matter how she turned it, they were already victims.

'But they don't know Elliot,' she said, turning around to face him. 'Don't you think ignorance is bliss sometimes?'

He looked into her eyes and she saw a hint of amusement in his eyes. What was he up to now? As serious as their case was, he was obviously trying to lighten the mood.

'You know, in some cases that might be true but not always. I can tell you a few things off the top of my head that I really don't want to be ignorant about any longer.'

He grinned and she knew he was trying to distract her. It was working.

'In fact, I think knowing would be bliss in this case.'

He pulled her closer to him and pushed his hips against hers. Her body responded immediately to his and to his suggestion, and she felt a blush creep up her cheeks.

'El!' she tried, but Elliot didn't let up.

'Liv, I know these women will be upset but they deserve to know, so we can get this guy off the streets. And when we do, we can start working on that other case of ours.'

His hands slid down her back to her ass and she shivered, leaning into him with a sigh. She wanted it. She wanted to start working on that other case right now and get to the truth. To knowing in stead of dreaming about it. And she had had some pretty steamy dreams while he was away. She looped her arms around him, hugging his shoulders from behind and placed a soft kiss on his jaw. Elliot kissed her neck just below her hairline and held her close. But they needed to get back to work. She let go of him and tried to shake off the flashes of desire that were shooting through her body, so they could get back to the smut of the case at hand. Elliot grinned at her before taking a deep breath. She could tell he was doing some shaking off himself.

When they walked back to the case board a few minutes later, Fin told them they had found one of the victims through an escort service Lutz had paid for just before one of the videos was shot. She was an escort.

'Looks like you got a date tonight, Stabler,' Fin joked.

They glanced at each other, both not happy to see this case drag out into the night. But that was their job. It was always the job.

...

Denise, the escort girl, explained how Lutz had been into the 'yes means no' thing but had a hard time keeping it up, as she put it. But he had paid her well so she wasn't a victim after all. They concluded that playing make-believe wasn't enough for Lutz to get off anymore so he had graduated to real rape, real victims. Ruben Morales from TARU managed to ID victim number three through a hex dump of Lutz's cell phone, their latest techie trick as Morales put it. It allowed them to roughly track a person's movements around the city. The gym where he had been right before the attack had identified the victim as one of their members and Morales gave them her name and address.

It was past 10 pm so it was too late to visit her now. They agreed to go over the next day and called it a night at last. Olivia was still having a hard time with it though. If Laurel Andrews did not remember being raped, should they really tell her? Elliot put a hand on her back while they got their coats. She glanced at him and looked around. They were the last ones to leave. Her heart rate picked up a bit. Was it time for their other case yet?

'You wanna go grab a drink?' Elliot asked innocently, but he flashed her a very suggestive smile.

'Sure,' she said just as innocently. 'I think I have some beer in my fridge.'

Elliot's smile got wider, if that was even possible. Had she really just invited him to come home with her? Well, it wasn't like it was the first time he came up with her. Just the first time since they started kissing each other. And the first time since they both learned that he wasn't actually married. And the first time since Kathy left him for good. The first time ... She felt her stomach clench and looked at Elliot's grinning face. She was nervous. She was actually nervous. It wasn't like she was new at this. Not at all. But with Elliot, everything was new. He had been her partner for over ten years and she had never been nervous around him. They had butted heads countless times and their partnership had worked so well because they were so comfortable with each other. Well, she felt anything but comfortable with him now.

They walked towards the elevator in silence and on the elevator she didn't dare look at him. She could feel his stare though. Why wasn't he nervous? She was the experienced one so _he_ should be nervous. Maybe some conversation would help her relax, so she asked him how things went with Kathy. Elliot shrugged.

'We argued. Yelled at each other. Played the blame game and yelled some more. You know, the usual.'

He made it sound so easy but she knew it couldn't have been easy for him. She told him she was sorry things had turned so ugly between them so fast. Elliot assured her there was nothing to be sorry about. Kathy had withheld important information from him, out of fear that he would leave her if he knew. But each time they fought, _she_ had been the one leaving. Not him. He had never been the one to leave. She should have been honest with him and now it was too late. There was no fixing them now and they had both agreed that they didn't want to fix them anymore.

She thought about it while they walked to the car and got in. He was right. He had never been the one to walk away. So if Kathy hadn't left this time ... where would that have left her? She was quiet while they drove to her apartment. If Kathy hadn't left she would still be the other woman. She had sworn never to be the other woman, ever. Still, she had kissed him, before Kathy left. And if Kathy hadn't left, he would have come to his senses and gone home. He would not be coming home with her now. Or he would have his way with her and _then_ go home. Which meant that this was wrong. They shouldn't be doing this. They could still go back. Couldn't they? She took a deep breath. She would have to tell Elliot that they couldn't take things any further. She wasn't ready to change their partnership forever. This was a mistake and she knew that Elliot would leave her once he realized that. And then she would have nothing. Nothing at all.

He was parking the car in front of her building and was getting ready to get out. _Say something Benson. You have to stop this,_ she thought. But no words came out of her mouth. She would tell him once they got inside. Right. More privacy. She owed him that much.

They stepped onto the elevator and Elliot gave her an inquisitive look. He must have sensed that her mood had changed. But he didn't say anything. As soon as the elevator doors closed, he pulled her against his chest and kissed her. It wasn't a gentle kiss, it was demanding. He was sending her a message. This _was_ happening. She tried to break off the kiss to get some air but Elliot didn't let go. He pushed her against the back of the elevator and continued kissing her while his hands roamed her body, from her hips down to her thighs and back up until he cupped her breasts. She had tried to push him away very unconvincingly and the fight rapidly left her body. It simply refused to listen to her mind and gave in to its most basic need. Their tongues danced together and she grabbed his shirt and tugged at it, wanting to feel his bare skin. But the ride up to her floor was short and the elevator doors opened. Elliot finally removed his lips from hers.

Now was the time to speak up and tell him they couldn't do this. She wasn't like this. She was just with him by default. She would have been the runner up, he would have made her the other woman if his wife hadn't conveniently left him a few days earlier. She was better than that. He would use her and toss her aside to run back to his wife, just like he always had. She deserved better than that.

'Elliot ... stop. We can't do this.'

His jaw dropped.

'What?'

'I'm sorry. I've changed my mind.'

Elliot turned away from her, his hand over his mouth and she could tell he was getting angry. He took a few steps away from her into the hallway and then turned back around. He was like a volcano ready to erupt and she knew she was to blame. She had invited him and now she was turning him down.

'Why?'

His voice was low and she knew he was making an effort not to yell at her. He was frustrated and so was she. Her body was screaming at her to just run into his arms and let him rip her clothes off. But that couldn't happen. Could it? She didn't know what to say and just stared at him, hoping he would read her so she wouldn't have to spell it out for him. But he wanted her to say it.

'Liv, I know you want this too. What's wrong? What changed between a half an hour ago and now?'

She was taking deep breaths, willing her body to calm down. She wanted him. She did. But not like this. Not just for a little while, to be left with nothing once it was over. She couldn't take it. She couldn't lose his friendship. She'd rather have him in her life as a friend than have his body for a while only to lose him completely afterwards. How could she make him see that without hurting him? She didn't know but she needed to tell him something. They had to talk.

'Elliot, you can come in but we should talk. Just talk.'

...


	15. Smut (2)

**"Smut" (2)**

He was on fire. He had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted Olivia. Now that he had tasted her, he was hooked and all he wanted was more. And he was going to get it tonight. So he had thought. But she was retreating. She wasn't just slowing down, she was backing out completely. Why?!

They were going into her apartment, but only to talk. Right. That wasn't the message she had given him earlier. As much as he acknowledged a woman's right to say no at any time, he was more than frustrated with her right now. He thought they were on the same page. They had admitted their feelings for each other, more or less, and he was a free man again, only bound by his love for Olivia. She had to know by now that he loved her. So why had she suddenly decided this couldn't happen?

She ditched her coat and walked to the kitchen to get them both a beer while he closed the door and took his coat off as well. She sat down on the far end of the couch after handing him his beer and he decided to give her some space to tell him what had brought on this sudden change. He sat down on the other end of the couch and looked at her. She had the floor.

'El, I don't know why I thought this was going to work. I'm really sorry that I led you on. I shouldn't have and ... Can we just try to forget this ever happened?'

Elliot almost dropped his beer. What was happening here? He shook his head and let out a frustrated sigh. He got up and started pacing. He had to do something or his body would explode. He was still aroused but he was getting angry too. What was she doing? Was she still afraid of getting hurt? He was trying desperately to understand her but he was just a man. What did she expect him to do right now? Just tell her she was right and go home? She wasn't right. She was totally wrong. He was finally ready to break free and follow his heart so this was the worst time for her to be shutting them down. No way.

'Why Olivia?' he managed to ask her relatively calmly. 'I know you want this. We both do. Why do you think it isn't going to work?'

She didn't say anything. Not a thing. It was infuriating. He wanted to yell at her and he wanted to grab her and kiss her senseless. Well, if she wasn't going to say anything, he was. And she would have no choice but to listen to him.

'Look. Here's the deal. I am finally getting my head out of my ass and I'm making some choices. Big ones. Not the choices everyone expects me to make but the choices I wanna make. It's pretty new to me and I'm not saying I'm not gonna screw up.'

She looked up at him at last. He was getting her attention.

'Yeah, I'm gonna screw up. You know me. But I fix things too. I'm not a quitter and I'm not going to quit on this, you, _us_. I know what I want and I want to make it work.'

He had been pacing but he stopped in front of her. He was towering over her and she got up, giving him an uncertain look while her eyes came level with his. He knew why she stood up. She wasn't going to let him look down at her. He took another breath and continued. He was going to take the opportunity to say all he needed to say to her while she wasn't talking.

'Kathy is coming back to Queens in a couple of days. I told her the house is hers for now, hers and the kids'. I assumed I'd have a place to crash while I make some arrangements to move out.'

He gave her a knowing look and she looked away from him.

'I guess I'll be in the cribs until I get my own place. Unless your couch is available?'

That finally got a reaction out of her. She laughed. She was breathing heavily and he almost felt sorry for her. He just didn't get her. She had kissed him, several times. Just now in the elevator, she'd been all over him. Well, he'd been all over her but she had definitely joined in. He wanted her so badly that it hurt physically. But she was also very capable of pushing all the wrong buttons and provoke him to lash out at her. he was trying not to. He was really trying.

'My couch? I'm not sure that is such a great idea.'

Her voice sounded cold. What was wrong with her? He wasn't going to stand around, begging for her attention. He had told her in no uncertain terms that he wanted to be with her. That he had chosen her and that his marriage was over. If she wasn't going to tell him why she wanted to back out, he was done here. For now. But he wouldn't give up on her. Whatever it was that was making her hold back, he'd get to it. Just not tonight, apparently.

'Alright. I'm going to go now and let you think about things. You know what I want. I think I've been pretty clear about that. Please let me know what you want when you've figured it out. I'll see you tomorrow at ten to meet our victim number three.'

...

It was really tough on her. Lauren Andrews was a happily married woman with a little baby. She had no idea she had been raped and Olivia just wanted to keep it that way. As much as he understood her motives, this wasn't the way to handle the case. Kim insisted that they show her the video of the rape to hopefully jog her memory.

'I'm not gonna turn her into a victim to test out your theory,' Olivia maintained.

'You're giving a serial rapist license to prey on more women,' Elliot told her. Olivia suggested putting a tail on Lutz so he couldn't hurt anyone else. That wasn't the answer and they knew it, so Kim sent him over to the Andrews to talk to them again, without Olivia.

Olivia was grasping at straws and he couldn't help feeling for her. He hadn't slept much that night and had tried to stay angry with her. But he knew her too well. She was scared. He couldn't really blame her because he was scared as well. In order to get what he wanted with Olivia, they would be giving up what they already had. Or at least a part of it. An understanding that had become so familiar, so second nature to them. He had finally made the decision that he wanted more, but he realized he had been working up to it for months. She hadn't. From her perspective, he had kissed her out of the blue. And while she had admitted at the hospital that she wanted to know where this might go, she was still scared and unsure of her decision. He needed to be patient with her so she wouldn't run. She couldn't run away from him again. Because as exasperating as she could often be, he couldn't picture his life without her in it. He took a deep breath before getting out of the car in front of the Andrews' house. Olivia wouldn't be happy about it but he had to do it. Laurel had to see the video.

...

 _And here we go._

Enter: a very pissed off Olivia, asking him what the hell he had been thinking. He couldn't really sugarcoat the truth for her. As much as she wanted to protect a woman who until now didn't know she had been raped, it wasn't the right thing to do. He told her Lutz would just improve his MO and they'd never get him.

'You can't change what happened to Laurel,' he added.

'I can protect her from the damage!' she insisted.

'No, you can't,' he said, giving her a telling look. 'You should know that better than anyone.'

He left her with that, although he felt bad to bring it up. But if he knew one thing about Olivia, it was that she would use her own experience to try and help Laurel and other victims to get through it. In the end, she was always giving. Maybe that was why it was so difficult to take something for herself. It dawned on him that she had always thought of herself as unworthy of receiving love or even help. That might be why she was pushing him away.

She had spoken with Laurel, who actually remembered bits and pieces of her attack. She was willing to testify and it was very rewarding to be able to arrest Lutz. He let Olivia do the honors and let her gloat a little. After filling out their paperwork they were hoping no new cases would pop up that day so they could go home early.

'You handled things well with Laurel,' he told her, starting up a conversation before things could turn awkward between them.

The look in her eyes was one of surprise.

'Thank you. I appreciate that.'

'I know you didn't agree with me but I'm glad I did it anyway. I hope you understand why?'

She sighed and leaned back in her chair.

'Yeah, I understand why. You don't want him to hurt anyone else. I ... I just let my own feelings get in the way. I shouldn't have. She did remember him after all and she would never have admitted it otherwise.'

She sounded defeated and he wanted to say something to make it better. To reach out to her and let her know he was still here for her.

'Liv ... it happens to the best of us. And you _are_ the best. Don't ever doubt yourself, okay? Just don't try to do it all alone.'

She stared at him for a few seconds, then shook her head.

'What?' he asked.

'I don't get you at all.'

He really wanted to get up and wrap his arms around her. To let her know that he understood she needed some time and that it was okay. But this wasn't the place to do that and he guessed she wouldn't appreciate it right now anyway, so he just told her,

'I'm not going anywhere Liv. You're stuck with me.'

She was at a loss for words and stood up abruptly. There were other people around and he knew they couldn't continue this conversation at their desks. He got up as well and looked at her. Where was she going and did she expect him to follow her? She looked at him and made a helpless gesture with her arms before walking off towards one of the interrogation rooms. He followed her in and closed the door. She was standing in the far corner against the wall, her arms crossed in front of her and looking stubborn. He smiled, he knew full well what she was doing. She was trying to shut him out. And he knew his smile would only make things worse but he couldn't help it.

'What's so funny Elliot?' she snapped.

He walked up to her and put his hands on her shoulders.

'Nothing,' he said softly. 'It's okay Olivia. I know you need some time but I'm not running away from this.'

She closed her eyes and frowned. He knew her brain was running on overdrive but she wasn't opening up.

'Please say something Liv. Let me know what's wrong so we can get through this.'

He took a step back to give her some room and she opened her eyes.

'It's ... it's just this case,' she started but her voice faltered.

He shook his head and insisted she tell him what she was really thinking. It wasn't about the case and they both knew it. He could see fear in her big brown eyes again and he couldn't help wondering if she was actually afraid of him. Then she finally spoke.

'I don't want to hurt you Elliot. I really don't but ... I don't want to get hurt either.'

He had been right. She was terrified. How could he make her see that he was in for the long haul? He had been ready for this for a while and he needed to be patient with her. But she wasn't a frail porcelain doll, she could handle him. He knew she could. She had turned away from him and was leaning against the wall with one shoulder now, looking out through one of the barred windows. He wanted to reach out to her again but he stayed where he was, leaving a safe distance between them of about four feet.

'This isn't just a fling to me Olivia. I'd like to think you know me better than that. We've known each other for ten years. I think I know what I'm getting myself into with you. I know it's scary to give something up that's been so familiar for such a long time but I ... I'm pretty sure we will get something better in return.'

He took another deep breath before adding,

'I get that you need some time to adjust so if you want me to court you, I will.'

She looked at him, a mixture of surprise and amusement in her eyes. She finally seemed to relax a little.

' _Court_ me? Wow Stabler, you really have been out of the game a long time!'

He took a small step closer to her but not too close. He wanted her to be at ease with him.

'Alright, I know I'm a bit rusty but I guess I'm asking you out on a date here. No pressure, no bee line to the bedroom, just an official first date. Dinner in the city? Tonight?'

No time like the present. Olivia finally smiled. It was just a hint of a smile but it was a start. Now all she had to do was say yes. She shook her head and he feared that she might say no again.

'El ... can we close this case first? After that, I'll go on a date with you.'

He nodded, relieved that she hadn't said no. She didn't seem very sure of her decision but he'd take this postponed yes any day. It might take more work that he had anticipated, but he would reel her in after all. After this case. Well, the case was a slam dunk from here on, right?

...

Wrong.

First the 'porn made me do it' defense was allowed, and now some compromising photos and videos had been found on the judges computer. The judge had no choice but to declare a mistrial. Laurel Andrews was extremely unhappy about this turn of events and strode into the bullpen, heading straight for Olivia. She yelled at her about making her remember and slapped her across the face. Elliot jumped up, ready to charge in but Olivia made a gesture that she was okay. There was no calming Laurel down though, and the woman stormed out again, saying she would not testify again. Elliot walked up to Olivia, asking her if she was alright. She wasn't. And it only made her more determined to close the case.

She continued working all night until she finally had an idea. He couldn't help admiring her determination. Their strong wills were often the cause of their infamous yelling matches but at the same time, he admired her greatly for it. She was incredibly strong and he'd never been worried she might not have his back. She was one of the guys, all the way. And one hell of a beautiful woman at the same time. He was proud to have her as a partner and he was proud of the way she got Eric Lutz on his knees after all within a few days. He was going away for 25 years, after his former fiancée Shannon stepped up and told him she would testify against him. She had been his first victim and she remembered everything he had done to her. Laurel, Kelly and Shannon were going to get closure after all. And Olivia too.

'So ...'

She was finishing up her paperwork and Elliot had been hanging around for a while, waiting for her to finally wrap it up. She glanced at him over her desk and he could see she was smiling. She was fully aware that he was waiting for her so he could ask her out again. Kathy had returned to Queens so he was sleeping in the cribs at the moment. He was wearing a suit that was nice enough to keep on but he guessed Olivia would want to change before going out.

'Yes?' she replied innocently after half a minute. 'Something on your mind Stabler?'

...


	16. Stranger

**"Stranger"**

Getting justice for Eric Lutz' victims had been very gratifying for Olivia. Giving victims some sense of closure was what made this job worth the effort every time. Still, Elliot had been in the back of her mind the whole time. She couldn't believe how kind and patient he had been with her ever since she had shut him down at her apartment. She had expected him to either get totally pissed with her and act like a jerk on the job, or to close himself off completely and just ignore her. In stead, he had been kind, supportive, honest ... the caring partner and friend he had always been. And he had told her he wasn't going to give up on her, on them. That it wasn't just a fling to him. Those simple words had made her say yes when he asked her for a first date. She wasn't sure if it was a wise move but she didn't want to disappoint Elliot again. They always had a great time when they went out for a bite. Calling it a date shouldn't make that much of a difference after ten years.

And yet ... she was nervous. She had seen him hover around her, waiting for her to finally finish up her paperwork. The case was closed so she didn't have any excuse left to postpone their date. She signed her last paper and closed the file with a sigh. She looked up and saw his blue eyes looking at her. She cocked an eyebrow and smiled again.

'You hungry?' Elliot asked.

She shrugged, hoping to mask her nervousness a little.

'Sure. You buying?'

He got up and grabbed his jacked from the back of his chair.

'It's a date.'

He was grinning and she was still amazed at how relaxed he had been these past few days. They used to give each other the silent treatment for days after an argument and afterwards they would simply never bring it up again. He really was different now. With her anyway. Despite all her rationalization, she couldn't ignore the spark of hope she was feeling. Maybe, just maybe ...

Elliot offered to drive her home so she could get changed and she accepted, knowing he wouldn't try anything with her before their date. She didn't want to think about afterwards just yet. They needed to get through dinner without arguing first.

She glanced at him while they drove to her apartment. She felt bad about him having to sleep in the cribs. He was arranging getting his own place but the current tenants were dragging their heels. They were having second thoughts about moving right before the holidays. The Captain wasn't to know Elliot was camping out at the station. He had made it quite clear on other occasions that it wasn't a motel. He could get a hotel room but that seemed so impersonal, especially around the holidays. Maybe she should offer him her couch after all ...

...

He was being the perfect gentleman. He had complimented her on her black dress and had even helped her get in and out of the cab. She had deliberated for some time which dress to wear. She didn't want to dress up too much but it shouldn't be too plain either. She had settled on a nice long-sleeved gown with a V-neck that wasn't too deep and a skirt that wasn't too short. It ended just below the knee. She had opted for black pantyhose because of the chilly December weather and was wearing black pumps with three inch heels that put a bounce in her step whether she wanted it or not. There just wasn't any other way to walk in those. Elliot definitely seemed to approve but he wasn't laying it on too thick.

The restaurant was small but elegant and they were seated at a small table at the window. He told her she should order anything she wanted and ordered a bottle of red wine for the both of them. She glanced at him, trying to get a proper read on his intentions. He wasn't giving anything away though. He was relaxed and made small talk about the headlines they had seen on some billboards on the cab ride over. He asked her if she ever went to musicals and they discussed what they knew about the big Broadway hits that were playing continually. The idea of going to a musical or a concert with Elliot, to actually do something _normal_ together, did appeal to her but she was trying to keep thoughts like that at bay. It was just dinner. Tomorrow they'd be back at work as usual.

By the time they were finishing up, they had finally broached the topic of Elliot's living arrangements.

'I feel bad about you having to live at the station,' Olivia admitted.

His locker could only hold so much clothes and he had no privacy and no distraction at all. She knew it was a risk bringing it up again but Elliot didn't use it to try and talk his way into her apartment again. He continued to surprise her. It was almost as if he knew something she didn't. He told her that he really wanted the apartment in Manhattan that he had signed up for, and was willing to wait until after the holidays to move in if he had to.

'If you want, I can clear out some closet space at my place for your clothes. You can't fit much in your locker and your suits need to be put away properly or you will look like a bum in no time.'

Her heart rate had picked up a little but she felt like she owed him something. It wouldn't be much trouble to make some room for his clothes and she could bring them over whenever he needed something. Or he could pick them up. He told her Kathy didn't mind him showing up every now and then for some clothes and she actually felt some disappointment. She would really like to help out.

'It's okay Liv,' he assured her. 'It's only a couple more weeks.'

'But the holidays are coming. You can't spend Christmas like this can you?'

She was well aware that she was opening the door for more awkwardness but Elliot just told her it was fine and he didn't mind. She was dumbfounded. Who was this man? Why was he so nice and patient and so at peace? His bright blue eyes seemed darker in the dim lights of the restaurant but she could still see a glint of a smile in them when he picked up his glass to make a toast. She grabbed her glass too and waited for him to tell her what they were toasting on.

'To first dates and new beginnings.'

Well, that was neutral enough. Elliot grinned at her but made not further comments about it. They were quiet during the cab ride back to her apartment and she wondered if things would get awkward after all. It had been a quite relaxing evening so far. Elliot got out of the cab as well, but asked the driver to wait for him. She glanced at him and he smiled at her when they arrived at the door of her building.

'Liv, I had a great time tonight. I hope we can do this again some time soon.'

He leaned over to her and gave her a soft kiss on the lips.

'Goodnight.'

She was stunned. Really? That was it? Elliot laughed when he saw her surprise.

'Hey, this was just a first date. What did you expect?'

He winked at her and started walking back to the cab.

'Elliot!'

He turned around and she walked over to him quickly. She searched his eyes for a clue of what he was up to but all she could see was kindness, peace and ... No ... She swallowed and knew she had to say something.

'Thank you,' she whispered.

He placed another soft kiss on her lips and said,

'I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget to bring the car.'

And then he was gone.

...

Olivia hadn't slept well. He had to be up to something. He just _had_ to. This wasn't the Elliot she knew at all. The worst thing was, he hadn't done anything wrong and _that_ was getting on her nerves. If he had tried to get his hands on her again, that would have been easy. She was ready for a fight any day. It was what they were good at. But this ... it was unsettling. It made her nervous around him. Jumpy. And now they had to go back to work as usual. She sighed and straightened her shoulders before stepping off the elevator. She had brought him coffee and hoped he would understand that she really appreciated how nice he was being to her, as unsettling as it might be. He was at his desk already and got up when she approached him.

'We have a case,' he said while she handed him his coffee.

'Thanks. We're meeting up with missing persons. One of their missing kids just turned up and says she was abducted and held as a sex slave for four years.'

Yep. Back to business as usual. They took their coffee with them and headed out right away. All Heather could tell them was that the man who had held her captive made her call him daddy. He had grabbed her after she had run out of the house, after an argument with her sister. Heather had already showered but they took her to the hospital to be examined anyway.

Afterwards, they took her with them in the car to see if she could remember where she had escaped from. She didn't. She just ran when she had the chance and hadn't paid any attention to where she was. They took her home to make a fresh start in the morning. The young girl was really exhausted. The press jumped them at the family's front door and somehow a photo camera was damaged when Elliot approached the photographer. She saw that he never touched the guy but he had stumbled backwards when Elliot approached him. He could have that effect on people ...

After finishing up for the day, she watched Elliot go up to the cribs again. Part of her wanted to follow him but she decided against it. They were good now. No need to jinx it.

The next morning Heather's father called to let them know she wasn't coming with them for another drive-along. She was too upset about her photo in the Ledger.  
As they continued to work the case, some doubt was cast on Heather's story. And then she slit her wrists. She was rushed to the hospital. Olivia tried everything to convince her that bringing her abuser to justice would go a long way in helping her heal, but she wasn't sure if she really got through to the girl.

And then the doctor told them something nobody had expected. Heather's blood type didn't match her parents'. She wasn't their missing daughter after all. They had just assumed it was her because she had the same four leaf clover tattoo on her wrist. When Munch did an overlay of Heather's old picture and a picture of the girl in the hospital it became clear to everyone. Heather wasn't Heather.

Olivia was really pissed off and wanted to know if any of this girl's story had been true. She believed that something did happen to her but they couldn't prevent her from being arrested and charged with identity theft.

'We need to keep looking into this,' she told Elliot while they were having lunch in the break room.

'Well, we're taking over the real Heather's case as well and this girl already admitted to making the whole thing up so ...'

But Olivia wasn't willing to give up. Not yet. She was going to call every tattoo shop in the city, explaining that she was looking for someone who had paid for a four leaf clover tattoo.

'Good luck with that,' Elliot said. 'I'm just not a fan of someone who upsets a whole family like that.'

There it was again. That word. Family. Family ties could bring out the strongest emotions in people, both positive and negative. She had seen it many times in the families they dealt with on the job, and also in Elliot's family. Especially in Elliot's family. And in that regard, she was an outsider. She would always be an outsider without any real family ties to anyone. Sure, she had a half-brother but they didn't really have a connection, other than knowing they had the same father. And her relationship with her mother had always been dysfunctional. Elliot was a family man. That was why she expected him to go back eventually. It was just who he was. And it was the reason it wouldn't work between them.

She continued working on the case though, and finally had a solid lead. She was glad Elliot went with her, and even Fin joined them. Their suspect, Carl Vasco, tried to split the instant they showed him a picture of the girl. Fin punched him out at the back door while Olivia headed into the basement. Elliot followed her down, asking her what she was doing.

'I thought I saw Vasco go this way,' she told him. It wasn't the whole truth but she wanted to explore the basement.

'Well, he evaded arrest ...' Elliot offered.

'And anything we find during the commission of a crime is fair game.' Olivia finished his sentence.

They were on the same page and looked around. Sure enough, they found the room 'Heather' had described in great detail, behind a steel door. Melinda managed to do a quick DNA check, using some blood off Fin's coat and made a stunning discovery. Heather was really Kristin Vucelik and their perp was her father. He'd had his own daughter for six years before she managed to escape.

Elliot was livid. They should be interrogating Carl Vucelik, a.k.a. Carl Vasco but he clearly needed a few minutes.

'His own daughter?' he hissed under his breath.

He stormed out to the cribs and Olivia gestured to Cragen and Melinda that she was going to get him. He was leaning with his hands against one of the top bunks when she came up and he hung his head. 'His own daughter ... how could he. How could anyone ...'

They had seen plenty of horrifying cases but the ones where families were involved, especially fathers, always hit Elliot the hardest. Usually, he identified with the father but in this case he just wanted to kill the guy. She knew it. She needed to calm him down so they could take the prick down together.  
She put a hand on his back and felt how tense he was. She rubbed his back gently and waited for him to catch his breath.

'El, we are going to get him. We have solid evidence against him.'

He nodded and turned around to face her.

'I know. I ... I just need a minute. I just wanna tear his head off you know ...'

She knew. He was thinking about his own daughters. She put her hands on his forearms and rubbed them slowly.

'I know you do Elliot, and I understand. But that's not the way to get justice for Kristin.'

His breathing became a little less irregular and he looked at her. The pained expression on his face hurt her too and she wished she could take it away. Without thinking, she put a hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned into her hand. He breathed out slowly and she sensed that her touch was calming him down. She moved a little closer to him and he wrapped his arms around her. This wasn't the time to start analyzing what he was doing and why, and what it was doing to her. He needed her right now to calm down, so they could take down this pervert. He held her tight and she put her arms around him as well, stroking his back gently while he took a few deep breaths. Olivia tried to ignore his smell and the feeling of his cheek against hers, his warm breath in her neck and his chest against hers. She didn't quite manage to block it all out but it was alright. This was alright. This wasn't wrong.

His lips grazed the sensitive skin just above her collarbone. His attention was shifting and Olivia knew she had to break things off. This was just about the case, nothing more. It shouldn't be anything more but her body wasn't agreeing with her. A very soft sound escaped her throat as she closed her eyes. Elliot placed another small kiss above her collarbone and she sighed. Her head was saying no but her arms were still holding him. Elliot turned his head slightly to look at her but she kept her eyes closed. She couldn't look at him. Her eyes would betray her and he would know.

'Liv.'

'Yes?'

'Look at me.'

She opened her eyes reluctantly and looked ar him. At his chin. His ear. Anywhere but his eyes. She had come here to help him but the tables were turning. She had to turn them back fast.

'Yeah. We need to go back and get him to confess,' she said quickly.

She glanced at his eyes and could see he was focused again. On her, not on the case.

'El!'

He smiled and nodded.

'Right. The case. So how do we play it?'

They finally let go of each other and decided on their tactic. Vucelik clearly hated women so Olivia would go on the offensive while Elliot would pretend to sympathize with a man who was frustrated with his ex-wife.

'I can do that,' Elliot said with a grin. He was back on earth and they were going to get the bastard. They walked back to the interrogation room and Elliot gave her a slap on the butt before they walked in. She glared at him, getting into her role. Benson and Stabler had the floor.

...

Vucelik told them he was a good man, a pillar of the community. They could ask anyone.

'How 'bout your ex-wife Marcie?' Olivia shot at him.

'Marcie's a shrieking, man hating ball busting bitch!'

'I know that type,' Elliot chimed in with a smile.

'Then why did the court award her sole custody of Kristin after the divorce?' Olivia asked, exchanging a look with Elliot.

'Because she filled that sweet little girl's head with lies about me!'

'Yeah. And I'm sure they're completely baseless.' Olivia was on a roll. Elliot was up next.

'Look, are you gonna let him talk or you gonna keep up with the smartass remarks.'

'Screw you!' \- This was fun.

'Let the man tell his story!'

Vucelik should be getting the idea by now. She continued to push him a little further but he claimed Kristin would never say a word against him. Time for Elliot to 'bond' with the creep. She admired the way he was masking his real feelings about this failure of a father. She had the easy part but Elliot was playing his very well.

'It's amazing to me,' he sighed while sitting down across from Vucelik. 'There's always that little piece of their mother that's left in 'em.'

'You divorced too?' Vucelik asked, and Elliot nodded.

'Yeah. I know what it's like man.'

Olivia made sure to interrupt their little game of male bonding and Elliot feigned annoyance. Vucelik shut down and said he'd like to see his daughter.

'And I would like to see you castrated with a rusty stake knife. Neither are gonna happen but we can both dream.' She'd always wanted to say that to some pervert.

Elliot chimed in on cue.

'You know something, I think you need a sick day. You're obviously on the rag ...'

He got up and put his hand on her arm. She slapped it aside.

'Touch me again and I will sue you for sexual harassment!' she snapped, giving him her best badass Benson glare before storming off and closing the door behind her.

Cragen thought they were a little too convincing but Olivia didn't agree.

'It was brilliant! Elliot is gonna to sucker a full confession out of that idiot.'

And he did. Heather's family dropped the charges against Kristin and Olivia tried to convince Kristin that her nightmare was over. But Kristin didn't think there was any good in the world anymore. Her father had told her that her mother was dead so she had nobody. That was why she had tried to find another family where she could belong. Olivia told the young girl that her mother was very much alive and had never stopped looking for her. She reunited Kristin with her mother and was glad that there would eventually be light at the end of Kristin's tunnel. She came back to the station late in the evening and decided to stop by Elliot before going home. He wasn't there so she called him.

'Hey.'

'Hey, where are you?'

'I'm just having a drink at the Irish pub down the block.'

'By yourself?'

'Yeah.'

'Want some company?'

'Sure.'

...

He looked lonely. She had never thought of Elliot as lonely. It looked like he'd had a few drinks already and he handed her a beer right away when she walked up to the high table he was leaning on. She took a swig and set down the bottle. He was staring straight ahead and she wondered if he was still thinking about the case. How could a father do that to his own child ... He looked at her suddenly and smiled.

'Thank you Liv.'

She raised her eyebrows in surprise.

'For what?'

'It really helped. The way you calmed me down earlier I mean.'

She smiled as well and took another swig of her beer. What could she say?

'I see us that way you know. We keep each other balanced. Kathy and me ... we knocked each other off balance all the time. You and me ... it's different.'

She never really liked it when he talked about Kathy. And she most definitely didn't like being compared to Kathy. But this, what he had just said ... it had a finality to it that should be music to her ears. She was the winner in the comparison. He spoke of Kathy in the past tense and about her in the present tense. And he told her something that had been true for ten years. So why had he always gone back to that imbalanced relationship? He had used her, his partner, to keep his sanity but he had always gone back to his wife. Why would it be different this time?

She could tell _he_ was different but she was trying not to get her hopes up. He'd been separated for two years before and had never given her any reason to think she was more to him than a good friend. And she'd been happy to be his good friend. She was afraid to hope for more this time around and even more afraid to lose that friendship. But his blue eyes gazing at her told her that he still wanted it to be more this time around. The way he had kissed her ... God, the way he had kissed her! Just thinking about it made her body clench in several places. And he was being so kind to her. If this was what he meant by courting her, she wanted him to court her forever. While she had expected arguments or uncomfortable silences - or both - they were actually getting along and working well together. He _was_ different. So maybe things could really be different this time ...

...

 **This scene will be continued in the next chapter, "Hothouse".**


	17. Hothouse

**"Hothouse"**

Elliot looked at his partner. He could tell she was thinking about what he had just told her. What he had said about _them_.

 _'We keep each other balanced. Kathy and me ... we knocked each other off balance all the time. You and me ... it's different.'_

He really meant it and she had to know it was the truth. He didn't want to push her but she had to know that he still wanted this. Stil wanted her. But she needed to open up. Tell him what was bothering her. He wished they were in a cartoon right now so he could read the bubble above her head to know what she was thinking. He grinned at the thought and drew an image in his head of what she would look like as a cartoon figure. How much had he been drinking?

'Why are you smiling now Elliot? Do I have something on my face?'

He snapped out of it, trying to get the image of a very sexy cartoon out of his head.

'I'm sorry. I was just trying to read the thought bubble above your head. But it isn't working.'

Olivia burst out laughing and the sound was like music to his ears.

'Really Elliot? Are you drunk?' she asked, still laughing.

He shook his head vigorously and took another swig of his beer.

'I just wanna know what you're thinking,' he told her after setting down the bottle. 'I can just _see_ the wheels turning in your head but you never let me peek inside.'

'Sure I do. Just not all the time. I'm glad I don't have a thought bubble above my head.'

He thought she was actually blushing a bit and now he really wanted to know what she was thinking.

'Well, if you had, what would I have read just now?'

 _Slick move, Stabler. Yeah, she's gonna go for that one._

She leaned on the high table and smiled, looking at some point in the distance. He leaned closer to her and hoped he was going to get an honest answer this time.

'Well ...' she started after a brief pause, 'I believe you read my mind pretty often. What do _you_ think you would have read?'

She was such a tease sometimes. But she was relaxed now and this was nice. It was fun. And he wasn't going to mess up the moment by pushing her.

'I think I would have read: my partner can be an ass sometimes but he's so cute I just always forgive him.'

She laughed again, heartily and it made his heart soar. He really did love her and he wished they could be like this forever.

'I think you've had enough to drink for one night,' she told him, nudging him with her shoulder. He took the opportunity to slide his arm around her shoulders and squeeze her shoulder slightly before dropping his hand to her waist. She glanced at him, taking another sip of her beer, but she didn't move away. He rubbed her waist with his thumb and he could swear she was leaning into him a little more. He turned his head so his mouth was very close to her ear and said softly,

'Penny for your thought bubble?'

She chuckled and put her bottle down. She took a deep breath and he braced himself a little. Things could always go both ways with Olivia Benson.

'Alright. I am a little surprised that you're being so nice to me. I didn't expect that after ... you know ...'

She glanced at him and he smiled, pulling her a little closer to him until his forehead touched her temple.

'Yeah, well,' he said softly. 'I told you I'm serious about this. I know I have a temper but I'm more than just a testosterone driven hothead.'

She was smiling widely and was resting her head against his. His heart was beating faster and he wondered if it would be a colossal mistake if he tried to kiss her right now. She was so close, he could smell her hair and her perfume and she was intoxicating. And she wasn't pulling away. He decided to take a chance and placed a small kiss on her cheekbone. She turned her face towards him and before he could think about it, he kissed her on the lips. She still wasn't pulling away. He wanted to look into her brown eyes but she was looking down. At his mouth. He moved to kiss her again and she met him halfway. Her smell and the taste of beer on her lips went to his head and he moaned softly when she prolonged the kiss by pulling his lower lip between hers. Her eyes shot open at the sound of his moan and she pulled away. She looked around to see if anyone had been watching them and he knew why she had pulled away. They couldn't do this here. A lot of officers from their precinct frequented this bar.

He didn't think anyone had noticed them but he suggested they leave anyway. Olivia agreed and he paid their tab so they could get out of there. But where were they going to go and what were they going to do? He was still feeling lightheaded and didn't want to let her go yet. He slipped his hand in her hand as they walked together. They were heading in the direction of the station. He'd rather go the other way, in the direction of her apartment. But that would be pushing her and he had promised himself he wouldn't do that. Before he could ask her where she wanted to go, she stopped and turned to face him.

'What now Elliot? What are we doing?'

He was still holding her hand and he pulled her against him, wrapping his other arm around her waist.

'We can do whatever you want to do.'

He was feeling bold after kissing her at the bar and kissed her again. She returned his kiss and he could tell she was giving up the fight. They were one again, experiencing that unique feeling of a deep connection that he had never shared with anyone else. She was clinging to him now, almost as if she was afraid he would disappear into thin air. She moaned loudly when their tongues met and started a dance of their own while their bodies seemed to melt into each other. When he finally broke off the kiss to get some air, she was panting against his shoulder. Her body was trembling, as was his. He held her close while they calmed down a little.

'I should go home,' she whispered, almost inaudibly.

'Yeah. We have to be up early tomorrow,' he agreed. He didn't want to let go of her but he was counting his blessings right now. They had kissed and she wasn't running away, wasn't saying it was wrong. It was progress.

She turned her head and he loosened his grip on her to be able to look at her face.

'You okay?' he asked softly.

'Yeah,' she sighed and she smiled. Definitely progress.

'Will you get home alright?'

She nodded.

'I'll take a cab.'

He wanted to go with her but decided against it. _Count your blessings Stabler. Don't push her._

'Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.'

'See you tomorrow.'

He gave her one last peck on the lips and they let go of each other. There was a bounce in his step when he walked back to the station.

...

A fourteen year old girl had been fished out of the river. Aside from fresh scars, she also had a lot of older, healed scars. She was wearing a necklace with a tri-bar cross, the symbol of the Russian Orthodox church. This, combined with the scars and the forensic evidence telling them she had been in the Ukraine, led them to believe she had been smuggled into the US by sex traffickers. Melinda pointed them to the center for abused women, which also helped trafficked women to get out of the business and get a normal life. They got the phone number of Alik, one of the traffickers, through another girl but she told them he'd never talk to a cop. Olivia glanced at Elliot, a slight smile on her lips. Alik didn't need to know she was a cop.

He couldn't help staring at her. She would be a very convincing, yet very classy madam. She didn't need the extra makeup but he had to admit she looked stunning in it, and in the grey skirt and blazer. She was wearing a rather extravagant necklace but she could get away with it. She smiled when she caught him staring and he grinned shyly at her.

She was meeting Alik at a café on Second Avenue, with Fin as her bodyguard. They returned relatively quickly with Alik in custody and Elliot and Olivia interrogated him together. As it turned out, the girl had not been trafficked. She was Elsa Lichkoff, a mathematics wiz kid, famous in the Ukraine for her high academic achievements. They went to the school she had been attending in New York and spoke with her roommate.

Jennifer was heartbroken to hear that her roommate had been killed. After some encouragement, Jennifer admitted that Elsa had been sneaking out in clothes that she would have been punished for if the school knew she even had them. She showed them a duffel bag filled with sexy underwear, leather clothes and corsets.

Their next stop was Elsa's parents. Olivia had voiced some concern about Elsa's father and Elliot was beginning to believe she was right. There was something off about this man. He couldn't believe his shining star had been taken away from him. The mother thought she might still be alive if they had kept her at home but the father maintained that the school was the best place for her.

'She needed discipline.'

'Like being jerked so hard that her shoulder dislocated?' Elliot asked, getting in the man's face. And glancing at his burning cigarette he added, 'or being burned by cigarettes?'

The father said that he never raised a hand to her but they both had their doubts. Another abusive father. Just his luck. He tried to get through to the mother but she wasn't giving them anything either. She seemed to be afraid of her husband.

Olivia sensed that he was rattled again. Of course she would sense that.

'You wanna talk about it?' she asked on the drive back to the station.

He shook his head. He needed some time to shake it off. As a father he was proud of his kids' accomplishments. That was only natural. But he would never, ever beat them to do better. He wasn't like his father. He was _not_ like his father. He was gripping the steering wheel tightly until Olivia put a hand over his right hand.

'El,' she said urgently.

He took a deep breath and tried to relax. Her touch helped.

'I'm okay,' he assured her. 'I'll be okay.'

...

Back at the station, they were surprised by a young woman who told them she was Elsa's older sister Katrina. She showed them the basement under her parents' house where they had been taught and disciplined by their father. It was ice cold down there but he had called it the hothouse. A special environment to give gifted children devoted care and attention to grow, like they do in hothouses with exotic flowers. The cold was supposed to stimulate the mind. It was shocking to see the young woman imitate how her father used to beat his lessons into them and made them kneel in rice grains until they bled. He felt more indignation bubble to the surface and was glad Olivia was there to ask Katrina more questions. Katrina had been kicked out when she was sixteen because she wasn't smart enough and her father wanted to devote all his time to Elsa. He turned her into their cash cow, receiving money to enroll her in school and prize money from all the contests he entered her into.

When her parents appeared, asking what was going on, he was only too happy to arrest the s.o.b. He left the interrogation to Olivia, knowing she would drill him without losing her temper. He spoke with Mrs. Lichkoff in stead. She told him that her husband was basically a wash-up and that he had never actually graduated and had a gambling problem. Elsa was supposed to make up for his failures. Cragen made sure Olivia got the information the wife was giving him through her earpiece.

When he heard Cragen yelling for a bus he was out of the interrogation room within seconds, fearing Olivia might have pushed Joseph Lichkoff too hard. He was surprised to find him on the ground in stead, bleeding from a head wound, and made eye contact with Olivia. Had she beaten him up? It should have been him. She made a helpless gesture with her hands.

'He just freaked out and started banging his head against the wall,' she said, still a bit rattled.

Elliot put a hand on her lower back and she glanced at him, and then at Cragen. He removed his hand and asked her with his eyes if she was okay. She nodded slightly and gave him a small smile before turning back to the unconscious man on the floor. The paramedics were coming in and she straightened her back. When Lichkoff was wheeled out, she asked them to have the hospital call when he regained consciousness. They didn't have a formal confession yet.

To make matters worse, Fin told them the man had a solid alibi and couldn't have been the one to kill his daughter. The head bashing must have been out of guilt about the abuse he put Elsa through, not about her murder. So they were going back to the school, starting with the pupils with a record. One of them pointed them to Danny Burke, an older former student who had dropped out because he wanted a normal life. Danny pointed them right back to Jennifer, Elsa's roommate. In stead of being best friends, like Jennifer had told them, they had World War III going on between them according to Danny. When they confronted Jennifer, she started shaking uncontrollably and asked for her mother.

...

'That is a very weird kid,' Elliot said once they had her at the station and were waiting for the mother to show up.

Olivia couldn't agree more. The pressure these geniuses were under was enormous. They had no childhood at all and were measured exclusively by their grades and how they matched up to other geniuses.

'I am so glad to be just a regular person,' Olivia sighed.

Elliot looked behind him to see that the door to the small room outside the interrogation room was closed before telling her softly, 'There is nothing regular about you Liv.'

She seemed a little shocked at his comment and she blushed.

'Elliot!'

He grinned and she swatted him on the arm.

'Well, it's true.'

He moved a little closer to her, eyeing her cleavage and making her blush even more.

'Not here Elliot,' Olivia insisted but she couldn't suppress a small smile.

'Okay, then where?' he asked. He was quite relieved that she wasn't shutting him down completely, just telling him they couldn't talk that way 'here'. Not here was something totally different than 'no'.

He could tell he was making her nervous and he thought it was adorable. She clearly didn't know what to say and he needed to let her off the hook, but he was having too much fun.

'Liv?'

She found her voice then and told him a second date was absolutely necessary before he could sweet-talk to her on he job. His heart leapt up and he agreed on a second date immediately.

'What would you like to do, and when?'

She thought a musical would be nice and he promised her he'd get right on it after work. The door opened and Elliot stepped away from Olivia while Fin let Jennifer's mother in.

It all went very fast after that. As soon as she was joined by her mother, Jennifer started freaking out again and started ranting and confessed to murdering Elsa on the ferry to Jersey within minutes. All she wanted was to be number one. She was shaking and crying and ended her rant with a question for her mother, who was in total shock.

'I'm number one now mom. Aren't you happy for me?'

...

They both agreed that this girl needed help, and they told Kim. They asked her to try Jennifer as a juvenile. She was only fourteen and not a hardened criminal. However, backtracking of the tides had revealed that the murder on the ferry had happened just when it was docking, on the Jersey side. So Jennifer wasn't going to be tried in Manhattan but in Jersey, where fourteen year-olds are tried as adults.

There was nothing they could do for Jennifer now. They explained to Elsa's mother and sister what had happened and had to leave the case at that. Elliot looked at his partner over their desks. She looked tired. It was only Tuesday but he had hoped to spend some time with her outside of work. He didn't want to wait until the weekend. She looked up at him just then, as if she had been reading his mind. He smiled and asked her if she was done for the day.

'Yeah. You?'

'Me too. You have any plans for dinner?'

She grinned.

'Are you inviting yourself over because you're homeless?'

She had spoken softly but he looked around anyway, to make sure no one had heard her comment. But the few officers that were still there weren't paying attention to them and Cragen's door was closed.

'I didn't mean to invite myself over,' he told her quickly. 'I just thought it would be more fun to eat together.'

 _Please don't say no, please don't read anything more into it._

'Okay.'

Okay? She said okay ...

'Really?'

She laughed, then leaned over her desk to tell him softly,

'Yes, really. You bring the food, I'll pick a movie.'

...

 **I have to leave the real sequence of episodes for a bit now because Jennifer's trial in Jersey is in January 2009, and the next episode, "Snatched" starts in January as well. And we can't skip the holidays in this story of course! So after the next episode-less chapter, I'm going to throw in an episode from season 12 because I find it simply irresistible and it just fits here ...  
**

 **Please leave a review to let me know what you think of this slow dance so far.**

 **Has anyone even noticed that the point of view changes from chapter to chapter? It's quite a challenge to write whole chapters from just one perspective but I consider it art ;) Olivia is up next again ...**


	18. What women want

**My stats are down (not updating) so I can't see if most of my readers have read chapter 17. But I'm ready to upload chapter 18 so here we go!**

 **"What women want"**

He was going to be there any minute. Olivia was walking around her apartment, picking up things and moving other things. Why was she so nervous? It wasn't like he'd never seen her place before. He couldn't care less about how neat or messy it was. She knew that but she just had to keep herself occupied. She couldn't sit still. She had showered and had put on comfortable clothes. Just a pair of loose grey sweatpants and a simple matching hooded sweater.

She remembered the last time he had been at her apartment. They had come here, expecting to have sex with each other for the first time. She had to take a deep breath just thinking about it. She had panicked and had shut down on him. She had expected him to ignore her for days after that, but in stead, he had been kinder and more understanding than ever before, giving her all the space she needed to think about their relationship slash partnership slash friendship. They had worked well together and she had let him get closer again. Went on a real date with him. And kissed him again.

Kissing him was something else. She'd never felt that way before when a man kissed her. He made her feel like she was the only woman in the world. Like he knew everything about her and all her secrets were safe with him. Like they were connected as much on the inside as they were on the outside. If a kiss could make her feel that connected to him, she couldn't help wondering what it would feel like to actually _have_ him inside her ...

She felt herself blushing at the thought alone and jumped when she heard the buzzer of her apartment. He was downstairs. She buzzed him up quickly and opened her front door when she heard him coming up the stairs. He was grinning and holding up two takeout bags when he saw her.

'What did you bring?' she asked, trying to hide her nerves.

'Thai.'

'Alright, then you come in.'

'Jee, thanks. So glad I didn't go for pizza then.'

They both laughed and she tried to relax a little. They had done this before, as friends. Why should it be any different now? Elliot took off his coat and jacket and started taking all the boxes out of the bags to set them on the coffee table, while she went into the kitchen to get their drinks.

'El, beer okay?' she asked.

'Sure! Did you pick a movie yet?'

She hadn't. She liked comedies with some adventure in it, but she'd seen most of the movies she had bought over time too many times already. Elliot was flipping through her DVD's and held one up.

'How 'bout this one then? Maybe I'll learn something.'

She walked over with their beers to see which movie he'd picked. _What women want_ ... She was going to say no but then thought it might actually be interesting to watch together. She knew the movie by heart but it was still very funny. And she always enjoyed looking at Mel Gibson. So she agreed, although she was fairly certain that Elliot had no idea what kind of movie it was. He would soon find out.

They watched the news first as they ate their dinner and Olivia managed to relax. This was nice, just like old times. They opened their third beer after dinner and Olivia popped the DVD in. This was going to be fun. Elliot scooted a little closer to her on the couch and dropped his arm on the headrest behind her. Once he figured out that the main character could actually hear what all women were thinking after a freaky accident, he sat up and looked at her.

'That's even better than a thought bubble!'

She laughed out loud and slapped him on his thigh.

'Just watch. It isn't as much fun as you think!'

They settled in and after a while he understood what she meant and they had a few playful back-and-forths about how men would never understand women. About an hour into the movie, they laughed heartily at the sex scene where Nick Marshall goes out of his mind because he can hear everything his bed partner is thinking while they have sex. Or attempt to have sex, because he's so distracted by her comments that he can't perform.

She glanced at him when she felt him looking at her and could see in his eyes that he was thinking about them ...

'Watch the movie El,' she said quietly.

Marshall finally managed to use his special gift to take his bed partner to new highs and Elliot looked at her again.

'So that's why you told me to keep watching?' he joked, dropping his arm to her shoulder and pulling her closer to him gently.

'No El ... come on.'

Her heart was pounding in her chest because she really hadn't meant to make him focus on that scene. And now she was focused on it herself. She shifted uncomfortably on the couch and tried to relax when Elliot turned his attention back to the television. Just when she thought they were settling in again, he mumbled,

'Well, you will just have to tell me what you like yourself then.'

She was beginning to regret their movie choice after all. But she should have known there was no way around it. She had let him kiss her again, let him get closer to her again so it was only logical that he was hoping for more. And she really did want more. She just wasn't sure yet if he had really and truly left his marriage behind him and if he could thrive in a life without his family around him. She remained silent, focusing on the movie but she could tell he was still mulling it over. This movie highlighted what women were thinking and how clueless men were about that. And all he had been trying to do was get her to open up and tell him what she was thinking. He didn't want to be clueless, he really wanted to know.

She got up to get them another drink and some snacks. She put a few things on a tray in the kitchen and sat back down next to him after setting the tray on the coffee table. Elliot pulled her closer to him and she let him. It was nice to have his arm around her and she leaned her head on his shoulder. As they continued to watch the movie she felt him rub his cheek against her forehead and later place a small kiss there. She tried to ignore the goose bumps he was causing and suppressed the urge to wrap her arms around him. His hand had slid under her sweater and his thumb had found a patch of skin that he was caressing gently. More goose bumps. Dry throat. She turned her head a little and her lips made contact with the warm skin in the crook of his neck briefly. The movie. She should be watching the movie. But Elliot was turning towards her now as well and was glancing down at her. She looked up and their eyes locked. He was going to kiss her. She knew it. He was going to ... he kissed her.

It was just a simple kiss. It lasted just long enough for her to return it, and not long enough to lead to something more. She could feel him holding back and part of her wished he wouldn't. But Elliot smiled, then sat back quietly and turned his attention back to the television. He was giving her space. Letting her know he was there without any pressure. She knew him and she knew how difficult it was for him to hold back. But what could she give him? Why would he choose her over his family in the end? She was his partner. That was her place. She might keep him balanced on the job but his family was what kept him going as a person.

The main characters in the movie were finally getting together and were dancing in the woman's new home. She glanced at Elliot and he seemed focused on the movie again, and on his fourth or fifth beer. His arm was still around her and it felt so nice. So familiar and yet so new. She relaxed and by the end of the movie Elliot seemed to be nodding off. She simply couldn't kick him out and decided to let him stay.

He accepted her offer to stay the night on her couch. He joked around with her when they got in each other's way in her small bathroom, both trying to brush their teeth at the same time. He planted a toothpasty kiss on her lips which made her laugh and he grinned at her when he took off his shirt before walking back to the living room to lie down on the couch. He had to know what that did to her and it took a lot of restraint not to run her hands over his bare back. But she knew what that would lead to and she just couldn't let it happen without knowing what they would end up with afterwards.

She left the door to her bedroom ajar and listened to him turn a few times on the couch before settling down. She had trouble falling asleep, worrying if things would be awkward the next morning. What was her problem anyway. Why couldn't she just jump this beautiful man and have her way with him? It wasn't like she was new at this ... but there was too much at stake. She couldn't lose him as a friend. She just couldn't take it. It wasn't about superficial sex. It was so much more and she didn't know if she was ready for that. And more importantly, if _he_ was ready for that. She had enjoyed their evening. A lot. It had been quiet and relaxed and she knew she could get used to that. She really could.

...

There was no time for awkwardness the next morning. Elliot's phone rang at 6.30 am and before she could ask who it was, Olivia's rang as well. They had a case. They were used to getting dressed in a hurry and just had some orange juice before heading out to the crime scene. After getting most of the details they needed about the attack they had to go and inform the next of kin of the young girl that had been raped and murdered. The girl was about fifteen and blonde and she had probably been attacked the evening before. Her parents hadn't missed her yet because she was supposed to stay over at a friends. Olivia knew Elliot would be thinking about his daughter Elizabeth. When the father grabbed Elliot's jacket he simply put his arms around the man. He was standing strong but she could see the emotion in his blue eyes while the grieving father held on to him for dear life.

They took the parents to the morgue to identify their daughter and conferred with Melinda afterwards to hear her preliminary findings on the body. The MO didn't fit a particular pattern but fortunately there were fluids that actually produced a hit in the system. They could use an open and shut case for a change and a few hours later they were indeed wrapping up the paperwork already. They would never really understand the 'why' of any rape but at least the 'who' had been answered in record time.

She felt Elliot's eyes on her. Again. He wasn't going to give up.

'I pulled a few strings to get tickets to Wicked for next week but I don't have them yet.'

She was pleasantly surprised. She had seen glowing reviews about that musical and she knew it was usually sold out pretty fast. Especially around the holidays. She smiled at Elliot.

'I hope you get them El. I've heard it's really good.'

He nodded.

'Any ideas what we could do in the meantime?'

She frowned, wondering what he meant.

'It's only Wednesday,' he clarified.

She glanced around but nobody was paying attention to them. Munch and Fin had the biggest ears anyway, and they were still in the field. Still, she wanted to get out of the office because she wanted to make a suggestion that nobody needed to hear.

'Let's start with a late lunch,' she said. 'We haven't eaten anything today and I'm starving.'

They walked a few blocks to a lunchroom and sat down with their sandwiches and a cup of fresh coffee. Elliot seemed to be content now, having shaken off the case of that morning, and she hoped she could add to his good mood.

'Hey El.'

He had just taken a big bite out of his sandwich and looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

'I really don't think you should camp out at the station over the holidays, so if you still want it, my couch is available.'

She looked down at her sandwich, picking on the lettuce sticking out of it, a little nervous about how he'd react. When he didn't say anything she looked up. He was still chewing but she could tell he was wondering what to make of her offer.

'I know ...,' she sighed. 'I'm not really sure what I want. I just know I wanna help out and you shouldn't be alone for Christmas. Besides, we had fun last night, right?'

He nodded, looking outside and, noticing it was raining he remarked,

'It sure would be nice to have a place to come home to with this weather.'

Home? That sounded so wonderful and so right ... and so scary. Elliot must have sensed her slight discomfort and told her reassuringly that he would try not to disrupt her routine too much. She laughed? Her routine? There wasn't much to disrupt. If anything, she might actually get _into_ a routine with someone else in the house. She told him it would be fine and he accepted her offer. They finished their late lunch and headed back to the station.

It was a slow afternoon and Elliot took the opportunity to head over to Queens to get some more of his things and bring them to her apartment while she held the fort at work. He returned around 9 pm and just when they thought they were done for the day, they caught another case. A man had been attacked in a parking garage. He'd been stabbed in the genital area so he qualified as a special victim. And so they headed out again, into the rainy night.

...

 **Next up (borrowed from season 12): Bombshell !**

 **Do leave a review, whether you like this story or not ... writers love reviews :)**


	19. Bombshell (1)

**Alright, an early present for my impatient friends ... :) since I have the chapter ready.**

 **"Bombshell" (1)**

The case was a mess. The doctor told them a bystander had pulled the knife out of the victim, uncorking the artery in his leg. When blood started to spurt out, the bystander's girlfriend had tried to stick it back in. He had another stab wound in the abdomen and the high level of alcohol in his blood had probably numbed the pain. But he had hit his head when he fell down in the parking garage and his brain started bleeding. He was still comatosed and they didn't find anything to ID him by.

The parking attendant wasn't much help and they weren't getting anywhere so they called it a night. It was late already so they turned in as soon as they got home. Elliot asked if it was okay if he used her shower. Of course that was okay. Olivia was already in bed and he winked at her when he came out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later, dressed in just a towel. He headed back to the living room, grinning at the shock he'd seen on her face. It wasn't easy to keep his distance but he had a feeling it was working. He was staying at her place now and they were still good. Het got the tickets for the musical and was looking forward to their official second date Monday night. Meanwhile, playing house wasn't so bad. They were making a lot of hours so they wouldn't be at her place much, but it felt good just to go home together and head out again together. He could get used to this. He really could.

...

They continued their investigation the next morning. Fin found the man's car by walking around pressing the remote control they had found on him, and the registration finally provided them with a name: Jerry Bullard. As it turned out, according to his wife he was supposed to leave for D.C. but he never went. He never even left Manhattan.

'Wherever he went, it must have been within walking distance of that garage,' Cragen told them. 'You find the actual crime scene?'

They hadn't. The only lead that popped up was Aldo, the neighborhood weirdo, that had been spotted with bloody clothes that night by some neighbors. They called him the night stalker. They found him easily that night and took him in to be interviewed by George Huang. The man was a chronic insomniac. They took him back to the vicinity where Jerry must have been stabbed and then Aldo remembered their victim and told them he dressed very nice, just like 'the others'. They asked him what others and he pointed them to a door. He didn't know what was behind the door but he saw people go in and out all the time.

Back at the station, they found out there was a swingers club behind the door, called the Swing Set.

'Themed play rooms, S&M shows, sexuality workshops, full bar, and a nightly buffet,' Olivia read from their website.

'Remind me to steer clear of the finger foods,' Elliot joked.

'It also says the Swing Set is open to singles, couples and threesomes,' Fin told them, 'but new members must be invited by a current member.'

Olivia turned to Elliot. They knew they were going in. They always played the couple in these cases.

'How do you wanna play it?' she asked him.

'Tell 'em our good friend Jerry invited us.'

They got changed for their swing date and Elliot couldn't help staring at Olivia when he saw her dress. It was strapless and hugged her breasts in a way that would make every single head turn at the club, both male and female. She smiled slightly when she caught him staring and he didn't try to hide his admiration for her. She was beautiful and she should know that.

He was wearing a simple black suit with a nice white dress shirt, but without a tie. The top buttons of his shirt were undone and Olivia seemed to approve. They walked into the club hand in hand and were greeted by the hostess, Suzette.

'Hi, Suzette,' Elliot said. 'This is my wife Olivia. I'm Elliot.'

 _My wife Olivia_. He liked the sound of it.

Suzette asked who had invited him and Olivia told her it was a friend of her _husband_. That was him. He felt proud just walking next to her, pretending to be her husband. She was by far the most beautiful woman in the entire club. And people were noticing. They were feeling a little uncomfortable, knowing they would have to split up and mingle, pretending to be interested in sex with other people. Olivia explained that this was their first time and that they'd like to just watch for now. That was perfectly fine, Suzette told them, but she promised them that what they saw would be very tempting.

Elliot pretended to be looking for Jerry and Suzette told them if they wanted to find Jerry, they should just look for Cassandra. Jerry only had eyes for her. Cassandra was a beautiful young brunette and Elliot knew he would have to 'connect' with her to find out more about what might have happened to Jerry two nights ago. He glanced at Olivia when Cassandra took his arm and started leading him away. Olivia was getting some attention herself from a couple that seemed to be very interested in her. He saw the guy put his hand on her bare shoulder and he wanted to push him away. But Cassandra was already taking him to another room and they were supposed to be into the whole swing thing, so he would have to trust Olivia to keep herself safe.

Cassandra wasn't a shy woman. She was coming on to him without any shame. She had led him into one of the play rooms, where people were making out in various stages of undress and were actually having sex on the couches and beds that were spread all over the various open rooms.

'Olivia's lovely,' Cassandra told him. He could only agree. 'I'm a little surprised you're willing to, uh, share her with anyone else.'

He didn't. Not for a second. In fact, he was far from comfortable about being separated from her in a swingers club.

'We're just trying to broaden our horizons,' he lied as they sat down on one of the less occupied couches.

They chatted some more and Cassandra noticed how he kept asking about Jerry. She wondered if he and Jerry maybe were a thing but he told her no, he was very much into women. Finally his chat with Cassandra gave him some usable information about her ex-boyfriend Doug. Cassandra seemed very interested in taking the next step with him by now and was starting to touch him. He was greatly relieved when Olivia came into the play room just then. He waved at her and she walked up to them, smiling.

'Hey babe, come and join us,' he said, patting the spot on the couch next to him.

Olivia sat down and put her hand on his thigh.

'Are you having fun without me honey?' she asked seductively, smiling at Cassandra in stead of him.

Cassandra laughed heartily and put a hand on Olivia's arm. Her other hand was resting on Elliot's chest.

'You are stunning Olivia. I just told Elliot I can't believe he's willing to share you at all.'

Olivia smiled again and put an arm around Elliot.

'Well, he won't have to yet tonight.'

'What happened to the couple you were talking to Liv?' Elliot inquired.

'They suddenly had the need to go at it with each other so I decided to find you and maybe get some action too.'

Olivia caressed his cheek, turning his face towards her and gave him a peck on the lips. Elliot swallowed hard. He knew it was an act but she was very convincing. Cassandra would probably get the message and retreat. For now anyway. And he wanted her to, so he could have Olivia to himself. But Cassandra wasn't moving. In fact, she was still caressing Olivia's arm, moving up to her shoulder, while squeezing his bicep. He knew many men would be jealous of him but he felt trapped between these two beauties. He knew which one he wanted though so he turned towards Olivia, pulled her in and kissed her, a confident kiss. They were married, after all ... When Olivia's mouth opened willingly, he pushed his tongue in. She didn't fight him and returned the kiss, moaning softly and pulling him in until she was leaning against the back of the couch. When he saw Cassandra's hand drop from Olivia's shoulder, he closed his eyes and just enjoyed the kiss. Olivia had no choice but to go along with it. He knew he was playing dirty but he couldn't help himself. Besides, they needed to get out of this threesome, right? The end justified the means. His back was turned to Cassandra now and she finally decided to leave them alone.

'Alright, I'll leave you two love birds alone, for now. Have fun!' he heard her say. But he was totally focused on Olivia. On her kisses and the feeling of her body against his. Her breasts were pressed against his chest and he broke off the kiss to make a trail of small kisses from her cheek down to her neck, and further down to her shoulder and her chest. She sighed and arched her back, still not stopping him. Her face was flushed and her eyes were closed. Everyone around them was making out or having sex so no one was paying any attention to them. He wasn't exactly the type to do these kinds of things in public but the ambiance and Olivia's soft, sexy body just made him forget everything for a minute.

Olivia moved so her mouth was close to his ear.

'Cassandra is still watching,' she whispered.

That meant they couldn't stop just yet. Which was absolutely no problem. But he wasn't going to have sex with Olivia here so they needed a plan. Olivia was kissing his neck now and unbuttoning two more buttons of his shirt, making room to slip both hands into his shirt to caress his chest. He moaned and put his lips on her neck as well. He hesitated when he felt the zipper of her dress on her back. He wasn't going to expose her for everyone to see but it was so tempting. He smoothed his hands over her thighs under her skirt. Everywhere he looked, there were people having sex. Bouncing breasts and sounds of excitement were flooding his brain. And Olivia's hands were caressing his hardened nipples ...

'God Liv, do you really want to do this here?' he whispered. His growing erection was becoming increasingly painful and Olivia wasn't slowing down.

He cupped her breasts and pushed a little to create enough distance between them so he could look her in the eyes. She moaned at his touch and in stead of looking at him, she kissed him passionately again. He was quickly losing his resolve to stop her and started moving his body over hers on the couch. Olivia finally seemed to realize where they were and she broke off the kiss to whisper a soft 'no' in his ear. He pulled her up immediately and looked into her eyes. They were burning with desire and he swallowed hard. They were both breathing heavily and Olivia glanced over his shoulder.

'She still watching?' he asked her softly.

Olivia just nodded and kissed him again, before standing up and pulling him up with her.

'Let's get out of here,' she said. Her voice was hoarse and lower than he had ever heard it before.

He wrapped one arm around her waist and started leading her through the various spaces of the play room. He grinned at Cassandra when they passed her and she smiled appreciatively at both of them. He let his hand slide down to Olivia's ass and squeezed it gently. She surprised him by pushing him up against a wall just inside the play room. She started kissing and touching him again and he didn't even try to understand why. She probably had a good reason and he wasn't going to object. His shirt was completely unbuttoned now and she pulled it out of his pants. Her hands were roaming his bare back underneath his shirt and she moaned when he broke off the kiss to move his mouth down her body again. He turned them around so she was against the wall and nudged one leg between her legs, pushing her skirt up in the process. She moaned again and pulled him closer to her, moving her hips against his leg and kissing him again. This couldn't all be an act. Could it?

He wanted to kiss her breasts. To finally see them and to taste them. But he couldn't do that here so he really wanted to go home. Home. To her place where he was also staying. And he wouldn't stop at her breasts then. He remembered the first time they had gone up to her place to have sex. It hadn't happened. He should just enjoy this moment with her. She probably had good reason not to walk back into the bar just yet so he would have to play along. Which was not a difficult task. Her hips were grinding against his leg and he wanted to do some grinding of his own. _Not here_. No, he wasn't like that. But Olivia was irresistible. He slipped two fingers inside the back of her strapless dress and moved to the front. His knuckles grazed her right nipple and she jolted, while continuing to suck his neck and wrapping one arm around his neck while the other was still caressing his bare back. They were against the wall near a corner so nobody could see their other side. He moved his other hand to slip it inside her dress as well. She was panting in his ear now and moving slightly to give him more room. She _wanted_ him to touch her other breast ... He removed his fingers from her dress, worried that he might expose her in his excited daze, and put his left hand over her dress on her right breast in stead. Then he dipped his head towards her left breast, making sure his body blocked the view of anyone who might be looking in their direction. He peeled away the tight fabric of the dress to expose her nipple and placed his mouth over it.

Olivia hissed and pushed herself against his leg again. He swirled his tongue over and around her hard nipple and thought he could come right then and there just from feeling her and tasting her. They were both breathing heavily and Olivia was making a soft, high pitched sound every time she exhaled.

'El ...' she panted, pulling his body against hers with such force that he thought she might crush him. But he couldn't stop. She was still grinding her hips against his leg and he continued licking and sucking her left breast and squeezing her right breast with his hand until he heard her let out a strangled sound. Her body started shaking and then stilled for a second before she shuddered again, and slumped against him. Did she just ... Did she seriously just ...

He turned his head to look at her face but she had hidden it in the crook of his neck. His body was still reeling with excitement but she seemed spent. She just had an orgasm. He had made her come. In public. He hoped she wouldn't get mad at him later but for now, he felt incredibly proud. He had just made Olivia Benson come. The pounding of his heart drowned out all the other sounds of music and sex that were around them. He held Olivia tight while she recovered from what had just happened. He was still rock hard but he wasn't going to do anything about that here. As soon as she was able to move, they were going home. And she wouldn't stop him then. He knew it. Not after this. She had let go and to do that here had to mean that she trusted him. She trusted him enough to open herself up to him, body and soul.

When she finally moved away from him a little, she didn't look at him. Was she embarrassed? There was no need and she needed to know that. They rearranged their clothing and Elliot put a hand to her cheek to turn her face towards him.

'Are you okay?' he asked softly.

She still wasn't making eye contact with him and he knew he needed to reassure her.

'Liv, it's okay. It's me, remember?'

She nodded and looked into his eyes at last.

'I don't know wh ...'

He placed two fingers on her lips to silence her.

'We'll talk about it at home, okay? Don't worry about it.'

She nodded again and they made their way back into the bar. He would ask her later why they hadn't gone into the bar right away but he certainly wasn't complaining about it. Making her body respond to his that way had been incredible and he wanted to do it again. To make her see how much he loved her and that they belonged together. They retrieved their coats and were just about to leave, when Cassandra joined them again.

'Leaving so soon?' she asked, placing her hand on Olivia's upper arm again, caressing her gently while she looped her other arm through Elliot's.

'Yeah, we're going home to finish what we started here,' Elliot told her quickly. 'Still newbie's at this, ya know.'

'Well, I'm glad you took your first steps today. From what I've seen, you two are very promising. I can't wait to join in soon. With both of you.'

She smiled at Olivia again and gave Elliot a peck on the cheek before walking off to chat with another couple. Elliot offered Olivia his arm once they had their coats on and she accepted. He knew she was still uncomfortable about what had happened but they would get to that soon. And hopefully do it again.

...

 **Next up: what was that like for Olivia?! And what happens when they get home ...**

 **PS. Bumping up the rating to M when I upload chapter 20, so if you're not following me or this story, do so or remember to adjust the filters before looking for the next update! :)**


	20. Bombshell (2)

**This is another super long chapter because I didn't want this episode to take up a third chapter.**

 **"Bombshell" (2)**

Olivia had finally let go. Being thrown together like that had made her forget about everything for a while. They needed to be a convincing couple and the way her body was responding to his, that wasn't difficult at all. Feeling his muscular chest under her hands had been amazing. She had dreamed about it so often, even daydreamed about it on the job and was taking advantage of this opportunity. She knew she wasn't exactly thinking straight and they would need to talk later but for now, she allowed herself to enjoy him. But they weren't going to go all the way in public. No way. And technically, they were on the job right now. So they needed a plausible reason to leave early. She had gotten some information they could use in the case, and they were done here for now. With investigating anyway. They weren't done posing as a couple yet since they might need to come back undercover.

Being total newbies in the swing scene, it wouldn't be strange to get excited and then go home to finish what they had started at the club. Right? So they got excited. Very excited. Somewhere in the back of her head, she knew she wouldn't be able to kick Elliot out again. He was staying with her for the time being so things might get a little strange between them. He was kissing her again and she couldn't think anymore. When he kissed her neck and her chest, all she wanted was for his hands to touch her everywhere. Only he wouldn't do that. Not in public. And if she was honest, she didn't really want that herself. But it felt _so_ good ...

They managed to get up from the couch and walk away. Cassandra saw them leave and she guessed the woman understood why. She tried to ignore all the naked bodies around them, making out and having sex, sometimes in threesomes. All of her senses were focused on Elliot but she should be focused on her surroundings. Making their departure convincing and inconspicuous. His hand was dropping to her ass and he squeezed it. She was already so sensitive to his touch and just needed more. She glanced through the curtains leading to the doorway back to the bar and thought she saw Jerry Bullard's wife Jane in there. What was she doing here? She'd already learned that Jane had come here with her husband but she couldn't understand why the woman was out shopping for sex again already while her husband was in the hospital.

She pushed Elliot against the wall, out of sight from the people at the bar and started kissing him again. She could only hope he would understand that there was a reason for this move, other than the obvious one ... He joined in immediately and she smiled inwardly. She was certainly making up for they way she had shut him down before. And it felt so good to have his hands on her body.

His shirt was completely open now and she pulled it out of his pants so she could touch his back. His muscles were so hard while his kisses were so soft. She arched her back slightly when he kissed her chest. _Please, more_. He turned them around and pushed her against the wall, pinning her in place by pushing one leg between her legs. She welcomed the pressure and pushed into him. She felt his hand move to her back and his fingers slip inside her dress. He was touching her nipple. _God, that feels so good. Just rip my dress off!_ She knew he wouldn't but he surprised her again when he exposed her other nipple and started working on it with his mouth and tongue. Her entire body was tingling by now and she felt a pull low in her abdomen. He was going to make her come right there if he didn't stop ... and he didn't stop. He was sucking and licking and teasing and all she could do was hold on to him. She could hardly breathe and the intensity of his mouth and hands on her and his hip pushing into her was just too much. She tried to say something but all she could manage was a faint 'El'. She was losing control rapidly and finally surrendered. An earthshattering orgasm washed over her, making her shake in his arms. She tried not to make a sound but didn't know if she had succeeded. She just held Elliot tight, trying not to slide down the wall because her legs were giving way.

Elliot had to know what had happened. He had wrapped his arms around her and was just holding her now. It was so embarrassing. She could still feel his arousal pressing into her hip but she didn't have anything left to give him. She needed a moment and didn't dare look at him. Her entire body was so sensitive that every touch made her shiver.

...

When they were finally outside, after Cassandra had seen them off, she felt the need to apologize to Elliot. But he would have none of it. He told her there was nothing to be sorry about and they started walking towards the main street to catch a cab. These things happen, he told her. Well, maybe they did, but not to her. She wasn't shy about her body but she never let go like that in public.

'Liv, honestly, I am glad you did. For obvious reasons,' he added with a wide grin.

She poked his side with her elbow and laughed nervously.

'So you're saying you got enough out of it?' _Right. I just had to ask._

She was expecting a smart comment, something like she could make it up to him at home, but he surprised her once again. He put a hand on her arm and they both stopped walking.

'Liv, what I got out of it is knowing how much you really trust me. And that means more to me than getting my rocks off. I hope you know that?'

How could she resist this man? Why did she ever think she could? She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She just had the most amazing orgasm and now she was almost crying about it. Because he was right. She had trusted him totally the entire night. She knew he wanted her, but she also knew he would never push her too far or force her into anything she wasn't ready for. Trusting a man didn't come naturally to her. But she trusted her partner. With her life. With her body. So all that was left was her heart. And he was rapidly conquering her heart as well - if he hadn't already. That was the terrifying part ...

Elliot wrapped his arms around her and held her tight for a moment.

'Let's go home,' he whispered. Home. They were going home, together. She smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He moaned when she pulled his lower lip in and ran her tongue along his lip before kissing him again. Their warm winter coats were definitely in the way now and they broke off the heated kiss to hurry along and catch a cab. Elliot's hand was resting on her thigh during the ride home. She thought back to the first time they had gone to her place all excited. It would be different now. There was no way back. In a way she was glad there wasn't. The war inside her head was over, for now at least. Elliot was looking at her and she smiled. His eyes were full of lust but also of tenderness and caring. Could it be love she was seeing?

'You will know when it's right Liv,' Elliot said softly. 'You will know.'

That was what he had told her after she broke up with Kurt. She would know when the right guy came along. Hadn't she always known, in a way? She trusted Elliot. She was opening up to Elliot. He had never been available before but he was now. And he wanted to be with her. They knew each other so well so why would she be afraid that it wouldn't work out? They had survived more fights than a lot of married couples and they were still friends.

She put her hand over his on her thigh and smiled at him. He was right. She would know. She knew.

...

Olivia couldn't remember how they got upstairs or even inside her apartment. The first thing she remembered was her ass hitting the bed when he threw her on it. She yelped on impact and tried to get up again but he was kneeling over her and pushed her back down.

'El ... it has to come off,' she tried, pointing at her dress but he seemed to be losing his patience with her. His full weight landed on her when he kissed her, pushing his tongue into her mouth immediately. They had waited long enough. She kissed him back but tried to push his jacket off him at the same time. He broke off the kiss to pull it off himself and then he was on her again. She could hardly move but she wasn't afraid. She trusted him and she also felt like she owed him this. He was in charge now. His kissing became less frantic and she sighed when he moved his weight slightly to the side and started kissing her cheek, her neck and her chest again. She turned with him to give him access to the zipper on her back and he zipped it down all the way. She pushed the top down and Elliot attacked the newly revealed skin like a hungry lion. She'd always known he was a breast man and he was already getting her so aroused again.

'El ...' she sighed. 'You too!'

He sat up, yanked his shirt open, sending the buttons flying in all directions and threw the shirt away. She reached for him and he was back, his warm skin on hers. He was sucking and licking her nipples again and she knew he was on his way to give her another orgasm. But she wanted him to join in too, completely. So she put her hands on his chest and, reluctantly, pushed him away. He looked at her face, probably wondering if she was going to chicken out again so she smiled at him reassuringly.

'Elliot, please ... you too,' she told him again. She moved her hands to his belt buckle and he nodded. He got up to take his pants off and she quickly shimmied out of her dress. The moment her dress and shoes hit the floor, Elliot was back on her again, kissing the tender skin of her neck while kneading her breasts with his hands, and making a trail of kisses down across her abdomen to her panties. They were both down to just one piece of underwear and Olivia was the one getting impatient now. He had been in charge long enough. She sat up and when he stopped kissing her to see what she was doing, she quickly hopped up to a kneeling position. She patted the space next to her on the bed, telling him without words to lie down. He complied and looked up at her expectantly. She stretched the muscles of her back, giving him a great view of her ample breasts and then straddled his knees.

Elliot groaned and reached for her but he couldn't reach her like this and she continued teasing him by touching herself and smiling at him seductively. She put her hands on him as well over his boxer briefs and smiled again when she felt his body react strongly to her touch. He had great reflexes though and before she knew what hit her, he had shot up into a sitting position and had grabbed her wrists. He pulled her towards him and turned them around, pinning her wrists next to her head while he hovered over her menacingly.

'My turn again,' he growled before crashing his lips onto hers again. While he continued kissing her, he smoothed his body over hers, nudging her legs apart with his. It felt so good to have him there and she wanted to touch him. But he was still keeping her wrists pinned to the mattress. She felt his impressive erection pushing into her panties and wanted their underwear off. He wasn't going to last long either so she trusted him to get to it soon. And he did. She gasped when he sat up to free his own erection first. _Seriously?_ He then grabbed the sides of her panties and she pushed her hips up to give him room to take it off. Before their swing date she had shaven, just in case, and she could see his face reflect his approval when the last part of her was revealed to him.

'Oh baby,' he groaned and he leaned in to place soft kisses on her tender skin. 'So soft ... so perfect,' she heard him whisper while he caressed her thighs and kissed the skin just above the most sensitive spot of her entire body.

Was this really Elliot, the hardass cop with a temper? Despite their combined arousal, she had never seen him exercise so much restraint. And it was time for him to let it go.

'Elliot!' She had sounded stern and that was what she had intended.

He looked up at her face, surprise in his eyes, combined with a fiery lust that she had never seen before. In anyone.

'You can be sweet and gentle with me later. Just do it already!'

He laughed out loud and she wriggled in frustration. He crept back up to hover over her, not touching her at all for a moment and she just couldn't take it anymore. His cocky smile told her he was perfectly aware of what he was doing to her. She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him on top of her. When their mouths and tongues found each other again, Elliot finally let himself go and pushed himself into her all the way. She could take it but gasped anyway, feeling him inside her so suddenly for the first time. He stopped moving and looked into her eyes, checking to see if she was alright. She was certainly ready by now, and she almost felt like she could come just from the thought of him inside her. She pushed her hips up to meet him and it was all the encouragement he needed.

'Oh Liv,' he sighed when he started to move.

She kissed him passionately again as they moved together, gradually picking up the pace. When they needed more air, they just held each other tight until they could kiss again. Elliot slowed down his movements as well as their kissing. She felt like she was flying in space. They were more one than she had imagined possible. Their hearts beat as one, their bodies moved as one and they breathed as one. Her body was on fire and she arched her back when his hand cupped her right breast and his thumb flicked across her nipple again. He moved so he could put his mouth over her breast in stead and she was beginning to tremble just like she had at the club. Only now Elliot was moving inside her as well. She pushed up hard, willing him to move faster and deeper. He smiled against her breast but didn't speed up yet. He moved his mouth to her other breast and she whimpered.

'Dammit Elliot, faster!' she panted, trying again to spur him on with her hips. When he still wouldn't speed up, she took matters in her own hands once again. She pushed him off of her in one movement that would have made her self-defense instructor proud, and that made Elliot bounce on his back next to her.

'What the ...'

Elliot was baffled but before he could say anything she grabbed his shoulders, pushed him down and straddled him, impaling herself on him with a grin. She was keeping him down by pressing her hands on his shoulders and he looked at her with his mouth open. She could see surprise in his eyes, and amusement, lust, need and ... She closed her eyes. _Don't think._ She started moving at the pace she had wanted all along, adjusting the angle to make him go deeper than before. Elliot was gripping her thighs and moved with her, panting and groaning. There was no time for kissing and fondling now. They were on a crash course to an inevitable climax and she intended for them to reach it together. It didn't take long once Elliot started matching her pace and she screamed when the first wave hit her and again as the second wave hit her even stronger, feeling him come inside her as well. After a few more thrusts, she collapsed on his chest and they rode out their orgasms, moving slowly until they stilled completely.

They didn't speak for a long time, they just breathed together. Olivia was still sprawled across Elliot's body and refused to think about anything else than his warm trembling body beneath her and his hands caressing her back and her hair. But they would have to move at some point. It was inevitable. When she started to stir, he moved to the side with her and they were still intimately connected when they were both on their sides, facing each other. Elliot was looking at her and smiled when she looked into his eyes.

'That was certainly worth the wait,' he finally said, and he kissed her nose softly before placing a few small kisses on her mouth.

She didn't feel cold but she shivered anyway. What now? As if reading her mind, Elliot suggested they get some sleep. He finally slipped out of her and grabbed the blankets to pull them over their naked bodies. 'We can talk about what this means later, okay?'

She nodded. She didn't want to talk at all. She just wanted to lie here with him and enjoy his presence. His warmth. His arms around her and his quiet breathing. Just him. For as long as she would be allowed to.

...

Olivia had expected some awkwardness the next morning but Elliot seemed to have things covered. When she woke up, he wasn't in bed anymore. She put on a robe and wandered into the living room to find him in the kitchen, making them breakfast. They were supposed to go see Jerry Bullard's wife again that morning to ask her about the Swing Set. He was acting completely normal, aside from stealing a few kisses during breakfast and just before they headed out. It actually wasn't weird, although they hadn't spoken a word about what they did yet. It felt nice. And familiar, in a very unfamiliar way.

Their case soon took up all their attention again and took a few surprising turns along the way. They spent all their waking hours on the case and only managed to squeeze in a few hours of sleep in the cribs. They had both come back from the club with information about Doug, Cassandra's jealous ex-boyfriend. Jerry's wife knew him too and provided them with an accurate sketch. So they went back to the club that night while Fin watched the place to see if Doug would arrive. He did show up, heading straight for Elliot who was talking to Cassandra. They identified themselves as police officers to take him in. Cassandra suddenly was nowhere to be found.

They had no solid evidence against Doug so they would have to let him go. The hospital called, letting them know Jerry was awake and they headed over. Perhaps he would identify Doug as his attacker after all. Jerry was all apologies to his daughter, explaining to her that he never meant to hurt her or her mother, but he'd fallen in love with another woman. When they asked him if he knew who had attacked him, he immediately pointed to Jane, who was just coming into the room. The wife?

Going to the club had been Jane's idea.

'You think men are the only ones who want something different? Men are the only ones who get tired of the same old Sunday morning sex, same old position?'

Elliot glanced at Olivia and she noticed the smile in his eyes. They hadn't even gotten to a Sunday morning position but he was obviously thinking about it already. But they needed to focus on the case right now. Jane wasn't upset with the extramarital sex, that was the whole point of going to these clubs. She was upset about Jerry spending literally all their money on Cassandra. She was bleeding him dry and he was even spending their daughter's trust fund on her. Jane really didn't want Jerry dead but she had just lost it when she caught him coming out of the club while he should have been on his way to D.C.

Cragen ordered Olivia and Elliot to release Doug, since Jane had confessed, but told them to tail him to make sure he wouldn't bother Cassandra again. They found out that Doug wasn't Cassandra's ex at all. They were still lovers. And they were con artists. They had lots of different drivers' licences with different names and one of their aliases even led the detectives to an unsolved murder. They arrested them and love-struck Jerry provided Cassandra with an attorney and even paid her bail. He just didn't get it. They hoped that their latest finding would be his wakeup call at last: Doug and Cassandra were not only lovers but also brother and sister.

Olivia felt a little sorry for the guy. Cassandra had him completely fooled and he was shocked to learn about her relationship with her own twin brother. He was actually packing to move out and live with Cassandra when they caught up with him.

'Maybe it's all a mistake,' Jerry tried. 'I mean, how do you really know that they were sleeping together?'

Elliot tried again.

'Okay, well, the day we released Doug, he ran into Cassandra's arms and rammed his tongue down her throat.' he told the older man.

'We also found a used condom at their place. Under the only bed,' Olivia added. Why didn't he get the picture?

'Oh, my God,' Jerry exclaimed. 'But I love her in a way I never felt with Jane. I love Cassandra with every bit of my heart. We're soul mates. Uh, I ... I gave up my whole life to be with her!'

His words were still ringing in her ears when they headed over to Cassandra's place. Wasn't Elliot doing the same thing? Giving up his whole life to be with her? What if he started regretting it in a while? Or it wasn't what he had expected it to be? She was really trying to have faith in a future with him. Now that they had slept together, she didn't know if she could take it if he left her again. She had given herself to him more wholly than she had ever given herself to anyone before. She had given him more than just her body. She loved him and she was finally starting to believe he loved her too.

They tried to warn Cassandra that Jerry might not be so smitten with her anymore now that he knew about her and her brother. Cassandra told them she had just spoken with Jerry over the phone, and he had told her he had a big surprise for her. Olivia looked at Elliot and they both thought the same thing. They sprinted back to their car and went over to Jerry's place as fast as they could, followed closely by Cassandra.

But it was too late. Jerry had bailed Doug out as well and had killed him. He told them,

'Now Cassandra and I can be together. Forever.'

Cassandra came in and broke down when she saw her brothers' body and the look on Jerry's face was one of pure panic.

...

It was a dramatic conclusion of their case. Jerry had lost everything and so had Jane, their daughter and Cassandra. There were no winners here. Olivia was quiet on the ride home and Elliot asked her if she was okay. She wasn't and he could always tell.

'You thinking about Jerry giving up his family?'

He knew her so well. She kept staring straight ahead and Elliot knew to take that as a yes.

'I'm not Jerry and you are definitely not Cassandra, Liv.'

She looked at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. She did love him, so much. It terrified her. She had never been in a relationship that really mattered this much to her and she couldn't lose him. All the stupid love songs she had heard over the years were beginning to make sense now. And his loyalty, to her and the job as well as his family was one of the things that made her trust him. But is was also the thing that might make her lose him in the end.

'What Liv?' Elliot insisted, and his voice sounded worried now.

She had a lump in her throat but it was time to be honest with him. Time to admit it.

'El ... I'm so scared.'

...

 **My own story now takes over for the holidays. Please leave a review, they are always appreciated!**


	21. Wicked

**"Wicked"**

'What Liv?' Elliot asked. He was beginning to worry about what she might be thinking now and hoped she would open up a little more to him. He had not expected her to be so vulnerable though. To actually admit it.

 _'El ... I'm so scared.'_

...

He stopped the car. They hadn't reached her apartment yet but he couldn't just let this go. He unbuckled his seatbelt and turned towards her.

'Liv, what are you afraid of? Please tell me.'

She was biting her lip and he knew she was trying not to get emotional. But simply admitting that she was scared had been a huge step for her. He knew that. He had never seen her admit to it in the ten years he'd known her. She was taking deep breaths and he waited patiently. After a minute, she finally spoke again.

'It's getting too ... _real_ El. I've never had a relationship like this before. I just don't know how to do this ...'

'How to do what exactly, Liv?'

She looked at him now and the slight panic in her eyes struck him.

'This, us,' she answered, waving her hand between them. 'It's the first time I'm actually ... scared of ... of ...'

He took her hands in his and kissed them softly. Her breathing was irregular and he knew she was holding back tears.

'Of what Liv? Just say it. You know you can trust me.'

She nodded.

'I trust you El,' she choked out. 'More than I have ever trusted anyone. That's why I'm so scared. I just ... I can't lose you. Not now. It means too much ...'

A single tear finally found its way down her cheek and Elliot hung his head. She still didn't get it. Was she really so damaged, that she couldn't believe someone would want to spend their life with her? How could he make her see that this was for real? That she would never lose him unless she ended it herself? She had run before and he was getting scared himself that maybe she would run again. He was racking his brain, trying to come up with something that would take away her doubts and fears. Things had already changed between them for good. There was no going back to the relative safety of the understanding they had before. They could only go forward from here and he wanted to go forward _with_ her, not without her. That was all he could tell her right now.

'Liv ... will you please just give me a chance?' he pleaded. He couldn't remember the last time he had pleaded with anyone for himself.

'We can't go back now anyway, right? So why not take a real shot at it? We don't have anything to lose anymore. But I'm sure we have a lot to gain if we just go for it. I wanna ...,'

He had to swallow a lump in his troat himself now. She was right. This was getting incredibly real.

'I wanna go for it Liv. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.'

He squeezed her hands and took a deep breath before speaking again.

'Liv, Olivia, I ...'

She put her hand on his mouth before he could continue. He wanted to tell her he loved her. She should know. He looked into her big brown eyes and could see that she already knew. She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned closer to him. He closed the distance between them and kissed her full lips softly. He felt her hands as she wrapped them around his neck and closed his eyes. She was still here, still with him. They could move forward. Their kiss deepened and he felt like he was flying. He pulled her as close to him as was possible in the car and only pulled back when he noticed wetness on his cheek. From her tears.

'Why are you crying?' he asked softly before she could turn her face away from him.

'I'm sorry,' she whispered.

'Now what are you apologizing for?'

'I'm sorry I'm making such a mess of things,' she said softly. 'I'm supposed to be a cop, not an insecure _girl_.'

Elliot looked at her attentively.

'Hey. You _are_ a cop but you're also a woman. Nothing wrong with acknowledging that,' he said.

He knew she was a woman. She was a grown woman and she could stand on her own. She could, but she didn't have to anymore. Not all the time. She had never really had anyone to lean on and it had become her way of life to stand on her own. It would take time for her to get used to not being alone anymore. And he had all the time in the world.

She was smiling now, and seemed to notice at last that he had stopped the car before they got home.

'Where are we?' she asked.

He looked outside as well and grinned.

'Just a few more blocks. Let's go home okay? We can talk more when we get there. I really need a shower too ...'

He trailed off but he heard Olivia laugh softly.

'You want to continue this conversation in the shower? That should be interesting!'

He laughed as well. She was back. They were on track again.

...

Talking while taking a shower together had proven quite impossible. But it had relieved a lot of tension, both physically as well as mentally. They literally washed the Bullard case off of them and then Elliot made sure she would forget about her doubts and insecurities as well. Making love in the shower with bodies that were slippery with soap had been a challenge and Olivia had finally just turned the water off and pulled him into the bedroom. They were snuggled up under the covers now enjoying just lying together after a lengthy lovemaking session. He wanted to make her feel loved, not just desired, and he thought he had succeeded. The smile on her face just stayed there while they lay together and talked softly.

'Tomorrow's our second date Liv. Are you ready to take things to the next level?'

She laughed and wondered what the next level might be after what they just did. He wiggled his eyebrows and kissed her temple.

'You inspire me Liv. I may yet surprise you.'

Her fingers were drawing something on his back and he pulled her closer to him, one arm supporting her neck and the other one wrapped firmly around her waist.

'You _are_ full of surprises,' she confirmed, placing a few small kisses on his shoulder. 'I never knew you could be so tender ...'

Her voice caught in her throat and he knew why. They weren't used to talking to each other like this. Not yet. But he could get used to it. Definitely. He moved so his face was very close to hers and looked into her eyes. She deserved to be loved. She deserved his tenderness. They were communicating without words, reading each other and smiling through their eyes. He had never felt so connected to another human being than he did to her. She was his other half and she loved him. He could tell. He knew it would take time for her to say it out loud but he could see it in her eyes. He moved to kiss her and she moved at the same time.

Their kiss was slow and loving. They were in no rush, having made love just fifteen minutes earlier. They weren't kissing as a prelude to more sex. They were kissing because they loved each other. While their mouths and tongues moved together languidly, their hands started their own journey across each others' bodies. He loved feeling her firm ass under his big hands and pulled her leg over his so he could reach it better. He stroked her thigh and moved back up again. She moaned softly and moved her hand across his chest. His hand drifted up further along the side of her body until it reached the swell of her breast, while her hand moved further down. He took her full breast in his hand and squeezed gently, earning another moan from Olivia. When he started rubbing her nipple with his thumb she moaned louder and broke off the kiss to dip down and latch on to his neck. She was going to leave a mark but he didn't care. He would wear it proudly. Thoughts of Cragen or their co-workers noticing popped into his head but he pushed them out right away. They were here now and had two days off after working non-stop for days. And he was going to make the most of this time with her.

He hadn't meant to get them started again but he wasn't complaining. The way Olivia's body responded to his touch was exhilarating and he couldn't get enough of her. She was pushing him onto his back now and started kissing his chest. He felt her nipples scraping his abdomen and reached for her breasts again. She moved up and they kissed passionately while she slid her leg over his legs and maneuvered herself on top of him. His arousal was pretty obvious by now and he couldn't believe the effect she had on him. Again. His hands went to her hips when she pushed into him a few times, causing friction between them that was making him very hard very fast.

She sat up when he tried to slow her down, and moved back a little to look at him. There was lust in her eyes when she took in his broad chest and muscular arms and shoulders. She put her hands on his toned stomach and moved back even further, until the undeniable proof of his arousal came into view. Just the thought of what she might have planned made it jump up and she grinned when she saw the reaction of his body to her intention.

'Liv, no ...'

She was surprised.

'No? Are you sure?'

He wasn't. Not at all. He wasn't sure how his body would respond if she were to put her mouth on him and he didn't know how far she would want to go. He would have to ask her that before he got in too deep - literally. She was rubbing him already and he had to catch his breath.

'Liv, no, I'm not sure. I just don't know ...'

Her seductive smile got wider. She leaned forward again, sliding her body up against his until they were face to face.

'Don't know what?'

'I don't know if I can ... you know ... hold back.'

'Do you trust me?'

How could he not trust her?

'With my life,' he breathed, still trying to come to terms with what she had planned for him. It had been his fantasy for so long ...

'That's not what's at stake here,' she said with a sly smile and the intensity of her voice went straight to his groin, making him twitch against her leg. He laughed nervously.

'Alright. I trust you with _him_ too.'

He held his breath when Olivia slowly moved down his body again. He had dreamed about her full lips on his body but he still couldn't believe it was actually happening. He had already been excited but his heart was pounding violently now. He propped his head up with an arm to look at Olivia. She was amazingly beautiful and all of her fears about the future seemed to be forgotten. When she reached her destination he closed his eyes briefly, surrendering to her and the sensations coursing through his body. His body jolted at the first touch of her lips and he looked at her again. It was incredibly sexy to see her move her lips around him and the feeling was so much better than he had imagined. She was starting to move and Elliot thought he might come just from the thought of her mouth on him. When he felt her tongue caressing him, his hips started moving on their own. He surrendered to her and closed his eyes again, as the intensity of it all hit him.

'Liv!' he managed to say, 'If you don't stop soon I'm gonna ...'

He hissed when in stead of stopping, Olivia picked up the pace, using her hand to increase both the pressure and the movement. She closed her eyes while she took him in even deeper.

'Liv. God, I ... Gah ...'

His body started to shake and he couldn't stop himself anymore. Olivia continued relentlessly and was moaning with excitement as well. He looked at her again, at her flushed face and her naked body. She was on her knees and her breasts skimmed his knees and thighs while she picked up the pace some more. He tried to hold back for as long as possible and tangled a hand in her hair before closing his eyes again. She was totally focused on pleasing him and when she cupped him with her free hand and started massaging him, he knew he was done.

'Shit ... Liv, I'm gonna ...' He shouted something unintelligible and exploded in her mouth. Olivia took it all in, moaning and moving with him as the waves of excitement hit him and then gradually subsided. His entire body was tingling and he was completely spent and amazed at what Olivia had just done to him.

When she moved back up into his waiting arms he asked her what had brought this on. She grinned at him and put her head on his shoulder.

'I just want to do it all while I have the chance,' she told him.

'Are you still worried that it won't work out?' he asked, still breathing heavily from his second release that night.

She was silent for a while and he was beginning to worry about her. But then she told him,

'I'm just trying to live in the moment El, and not worry too much. And this moment was pretty intense, wouldn't you say?'

He kissed her and she moaned when she slipped her tongue in his mouth again, pulling his head towards her with her hands. It hit him that she had not been satisfied yet. Elliot didn't know what he would be capable of after what Olivia had just done to him but he wanted to please her again too.

'That's not necessary El,' she assured him. 'You already made me come at the club, remember?'

He grinned and just the memory of their 'activities' at the club made his stomach clench. His body was already gearing up _again_? She was making him young again.

'Liv, we're not going to count. And if we are, I will make sure to stay ahead of you at all times.'

He sat up and pushed her onto her back, accepting the challenge of satisfying her again.

...

They slept in on Monday and soon noticed that they were on their way to losing track of the scores already. When Olivia got up to get something to drink early in the morning, Elliot snuck up to her in the kitchen and got her all hot and bothered again in no time. Later, when Elliot had gotten up to use the bathroom, he had found her waiting for him in bed, dressed in nothing but a pair of high heels. By eleven they decided another shower was needed, which led to another slippery make-out session in the bathroom. By noon they were actually getting hungry and got dressed reluctantly so they could step out for a bite to eat.

Olivia was really looking forward to their official date that evening and so was Elliot. He wanted to do normal stuff with her. It wasn't all about the job anymore but it shouldn't all be about sex either. He had booked a dinner arrangement before the show and told Olivia to dress for the occasion. He had made sure he had his black tux cleaned and his jaw dropped when Olivia emerged from the bedroom, ready for their date. She was always beautiful but she was radiant tonight, wearing a deep red tight dress that spilled down to her ankles, with a high side split partially revealing one of her long legs. The dress was sleeveless and the top closed at the back of her neck, leaving her back completely bare. There was no way she was wearing a bra underneath. She was wearing red high heeled pumps with golden heels and had a modest gold-colored purse as well.

Elliot approached her cautiously and she laughed.

'I'm not a porcelain doll Elliot, you can touch.'

He thought it was striking that she used the exact same phrase he had thought of a while back. He knew she wasn't a frail porcelain doll. She could take whatever was thrown at her. He just wanted to be by her side and take life on together from now on. Allow her to be a woman as well as a cop and give her a safe haven to come home to.

He wasn't really into musicals and was hardly surprised to see more women than men in the audience but he was pleasantly surprised by the show. It was actually about real issues and he could really relate to Elphaba, the green girl that was trying to find her place in life. The lyrics of the final song before the break actually moved him and he glanced at Olivia.

 _"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts. close my eyes and leap!"_

Olivia looked at him as well and he knew they were thinking the same thing. He had already broken free of all the expectations of others and had taken a leap of faith. He prayed she wouldn't back out, and jump in with him. She was already learning to live in the moment but he knew she would start worrying again soon.

 _"I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change but till I try, I'll never know. Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost!"_

Elliot slipped his arm around Olivia's shoulders and she smiled. Their love came at a cost too but he wasn't afraid. He was done being afraid of what other people might think of him, of them, and wasn't going back to being a sheep again.

 _"Unlimited. Together we're unlimited. Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been. Dreams, the way we planned 'em, if we work in tandem. There's no fight we cannot win. Just you and I defying gravity!"_

He could see tears in Olivia's eyes in the dim lights in the theatre and he had to swallow a lump in his throat as well. The spectacle on the stage distracted them when the green girl actually defied gravity and flew away with her broom and the finale of the first half was very impressive. They sat in silence for a while after the lights had been turned on, lost in their own thoughts. Olivia surprised him when she took his hands in hers and said softly,

'When we go back to work in a few days, we should tell Cragen.'

His heart leap up. He had expected her to want to keep their relationship a secret for now but he was elated that she wanted to go public already.

'And your kids too,' she added, almost whispering.

'I don't want to live a lie El, and I don't want to have to sneak around. I ... I guess I'm ready to close my eyes and leap.'

She laughed nervously when she noticed the wide grin on his face. He wanted to hold her and kiss her but they were in the middle of a theatre. He stood up anyway and pulled her up with him and wrapped his arms around her. He hid his face in her hair and tried to contain a sob.

'I love you Liv, so much,' he whispered.

He didn't think about their surroundings anymore and kissed her. She returned the kiss willingly. He thought he heard a few people whistling and applauding but he was focused on Olivia and her soft lips on his and her warm body in his arms. He loved her and he wanted everyone to know. When the announcer asked everyone to be seated again for the second half of the show, he let go of her reluctantly. He didn't think he would be able to really focus on the show anymore but it was just too good to ignore. He glanced at the beauty by his side several times though and he was so happy to see her so relaxed. She was holding his hand the entire time and grinned at him at the end of the love duet, when Elphaba tells the man she loves,

 _"It's just for the first time I feel ... wicked!"_

He felt his body respond to just the thought of Olivia being wicked and wished he could take her home soon. After the surprising finale and the curtain call he led her out of the crowded theatre and into the lobby where they had to wait in line to retrieve their coats. Olivia had her arm around him and he was actually beginning to believe she had made up her mind. He kissed her neck gently and caressed her bare back while they waited. They were almost first in line when he heard a female voice calling Olivia's name.

'Olivia! Olivia Benson, is that you?'

...

 **So who is it, and is Olivia really ready to go public with her new relationship?**


	22. Worship

**I'd appreciate some feedback on this story, now that I have abandoned writing along with the actual episodes. Is this still interesting?  
And get ready for my sexiest scene so far ...  
To The Congressman: how could you possibly know who was calling Olivia? ;)**

...

 **"Worship"**

The musical had been amazing and the story had really struck Olivia. Elphaba, the green girl that the musical was about, was making huge decisions. She had to, in order to stay true to herself. Olivia realized for the first time that that was exactly what Elliot was doing. And it was what she should do as well. Damn the consequences, just like Elphaba, they had to stay true to themselves. It was an impressive eye-opener which had prompted her to tell Elliot she wanted to tell Cragen and the kids about them. And then he told her that he loved her. She believed him. How could she not believe him? She loved him too and although she was a little scared still, she was ready to let the world know about them. If she didn't take a leap of faith now, she didn't know if she ever would. And Elliot was the one man she was willing to take the risk for.

...

 _'Olivia! Olivia Benson, is that you?'_

She had let go of Elliot before she realized it. Who was calling her? She turned around, scanning the faces around them, until she saw a waving hand above the crowd. It was Alexandra Cabot.

Olivia looked at Elliot, whispering 'It's Alex,' and he nodded.

'I'll get our coats. You go talk to her,' he told her before turning back around.

Olivia started making her way through the crowd towards Alex' raised hand. Alex pulled her into a spontaneous hug immediately and then took a good look at her.

'Wow, you look amazing Olivia! Who's the lucky guy?'

Olivia smiled and hesitated a little before turning the attention back to their former ADA.

'I had no idea you were back in New York Alex. When did you get back and what are you up to these days?'

Alex smiled, seeing right through her diversion tactics.

'Oh, not much. I'm here with a few former co-workers. Kind of a reunion thing. And you?'

Just then, Elliot appeared with their coats and Alex' eyes went just a little wider behind her glasses.

'She's here with a co-worker too,' Elliot grinned before giving Alex a one-armed hug, holding their coats in his other arm.

'Elliot Stabler, in the flesh,' Alex sighed, glancing at Olivia. 'So you're on an office outing as well, or is it just the two of you?'

 _Truth time_ , Olivia thought. Time to put her money where her mouth was. If Elliot could take a leap of faith, so could she. She smiled at Elliot and looped both arms through his free arm.

'It's just the two of us Alex,' she admitted. 'In fact, we are on our second official date.'

She didn't know Alex could squeal but apparently she could. She glanced at Elliot, who was glowing with pride and seemed to be blinking away a few tears. He wasn't paying attention to Alex but was only looking at her. He looked so happy and she felt herself blushing under his loving gaze.

'Oh my God!' Alex said after the first shock had subsided. She grabbed Elliot's hands and checked them for a ring.

'Good,' she stated in her official ADA voice when she found no ring. 'This is looking very good.'

Then she turned back to Olivia and pulled her into another hug.

'I'm so happy for you,' she sighed. 'Does anyone else know about this?'

'Actually, you're the very first Alex,' Olivia told her. 'We haven't even told Cragen yet so if you don't mind ...'

'My lips are sealed,' she assured them, 'but I will need details to tie me over.'

She shot Olivia a mischievous look and Elliot laughed out loud.

'Come on Olivia, I'm sure you will need to use the restroom before you two leave here.' Alex looped her arm through Olivia's and tried to drag her away from Elliot, out of earshot.

'A second date huh? Does that mean you haven't ...'

But Olivia had no intention of sharing the intimate details of her relationship with Elliot with her, or anyone else for that matter.

'Alex!' she said sternly, making a full stop.

'Alright, alright. I'll just use my imagination. You know, I have to live vicariously through you two since witness protection shot my personal life to hell so ...'

'We are not telling you about what we have and haven't done Alex, I'm sorry. Your imagination will have to do until we can hook you up with a nice guy of your own.'

Olivia stood beside Elliot again, who had been watching the exchange with a content smile on his face. She looked up at him and could see in his eyes that he was about to kiss her. Well, for Alex' sake, she thought and she leaned in to receive the kiss. He managed a brief kiss and she smiled against his cheek when he pulled away relatively quickly.

'Aww, that's so sweet,' Alex sighed. 'It's about time.'

Alex was joined by her former co-workers and they had to say goodbye. Elliot helped her into her coat and they walked off after promising Alex they would get together in the new year.

...

She had expected Elliot to comment on her spontaneous 'coming out' but he was eerily quiet on the ride home.

'Something wrong El?' she finally asked, hoping he wasn't having second thoughts all of a sudden.

'No,' he said softly, his voice heavy with emotion.

'Oh ...' she simply said, still wondering why he wasn't saying anything. When they arrived at her building and he helped her out of the car, he pulled her into his arms. She could feel him trembling and was getting a little worried. She pulled away to look into his eyes and she saw fresh tears there.

'Elliot! Please talk to me!'

He shook his head and a few tears managed to find their way down his cheeks.

'I don't know what to say,' he finally sighed. 'I'm so ... so ... I can't find the words.'

She reached up to wipe his tears away, understanding by now that these were happy tears. She smiled and put her arms around him again.

'If you can't say it, can you show me?' she asked.

'Yes,' he growled and before she realized what he was doing, he had picked her up bridal style to carry her inside. And he showed her.

Olivia never knew a love like this existed. And she knew that after tonight, she simply would not survive without it. Elliot put into his actions everything he could not tell her with words. When he carried her into the bedroom, she thought she knew what was coming. She soon found out she had no idea.

Elliot set her on the edge of the bed gently, kneeled in front of her and started by taking her shoes off. He then rubbed her feet one by one and she felt herself relaxing, while her stomach still trembled a little with anticipation. She put her palms behind her on the bed and leaned back slightly, still watching intently what Elliot was doing. He leaned down and started kissing her feet, from each one of her toes up to her ankles. She sighed and felt strange shivers shoot up her legs. When he had kissed the insides and the outsides of both ankles with his soft, moist lips, he smoothed her long dress up until it was bundled up on her knees. He then kissed her knees while he rubbed her calves gently. Again, his touch was both soothing and exciting and her heart rate was picking up.

Olivia reached for his shoulders, needing to feel him as well. He paused briefly to take his jacket and bowtie off and undo a few of his shirt buttons and his cufflinks, then his hands went back to her. They slipped under her dress to rub her thighs, pushing the dress up as he went higher. He sat up a little so he could kiss her softly on the lips. Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck, wanting to pull him closer, but he resisted a little, until she looked into his eyes. In the dim light, his blue eyes were almost black with love and desire for her and she yearned to feel him. More of him. Al of him. But he wasn't done yet.

Once he had pushed her dress up to her waist, he reached for the clasp behind her neck and unclasped her top. She had expected him to go straight for her breasts then, but again, he surprised her. He lowered the top and gestured for her to stand up so he could take the dress off completely. He stayed on his knees while he caught her dress and put it aside, looking up at her almost naked form, but didn't touch her until she had sat down again.

He started kissing the outside of her right thigh, gradually moving up from her knee to her red lace thong. He traced her underwear with his moist lips until he reached the inside of her thigh and she couldn't suppress a low, longing moan. Her legs fell apart automatically and Elliot's lips made their way back down along the inside of her right thigh. _Wrong way_ , she thought, while various parts of her body started tingling and clenching with excitement and anticipation. Her breathing had picked up and she sighed his name.

It was torture but it was torture of the best kind. Her left thigh was next and Elliot repeated his ministrations, only this time he started at the top on the outside, and made his way back up slowly on the inside of her thigh. Olivia held her breath when he reached her thong again and jolted when he ran his tongue over her underwear once, very slowly, from bottom to top. The way he made her body tingle was almost too much to bear.

'Elliot!' she panted again but he was far from done.

He stood up and she immediately missed his touch. He quickly toed off his shoes and pulled his dress shirt off over his head. Then he moved behind her on the bed. Olivia hadn't moved a muscle. Elliot was leading this slow dance and she would follow. He put his warm hands on her shoulders and smoothed them down her arms. His mouth then followed the path of his hands. He placed soft, wet kisses on her left shoulder and all the way down to her elbow and then her wrist and each of her fingers and fingernails. He lifted her arm to trace it back up on the inside. He was sending bolts of electricity through her arm and the rest of her body. Then he did the same with her right shoulder, arm and hand, putting each of her fingers in his mouth briefly before kissing her fingernails and continuing his path all the way up to her shoulder again on the inside of her arm.

He was worshipping her. Every inch of her. Olivia had never felt so loved in her life. No man had ever paid so much attention to her body. To every part of her, not just the obvious ones. Not just the parts a man took pleasure in himself. No, Elliot was loving her for her. He moved from her arms to her shoulder blades and her neck, gently rubbing her belly with one hand while he kept her from falling backwards with his other hand. When he had kissed every sensitive inch of her neck, he moved closer behind her and placed his knees on either side of her so she could lean back against his bare chest. Both his hands were on her abdomen now and she expected him to finally go for her breasts. But again, he didn't. She never knew it could be even more stimulating _not_ to be touched there than it was to be touched.

Elliot moved one arm across her chest to put his left hand on her right cheek, moving her head so he could kiss the left side of her face. He kissed her temple, her eyebrow, her eyelid, her nose, her cheek and then moved to her ear. She shivered when he ran his tongue along the outside of her ear and bit her earlobe softly. She could hear him breathing slowly but heavily and she knew he must be struggling to stay in control of himself. She moaned when he kissed the sensitive skin behind her ear and he stayed there a while, using his tongue and lips to stimulate her little erogenous spot.

'El ...' she sighed again, raising her left arm to pull his head closer to her. She turned her head further and caught his lips with hers. They both moaned when their tongues found each other and now his right hand finally cupped her left breast. She deepened the kiss and arched her back, but he moved his hand away from her breast. It was exciting and a bit frustrating at the same time. Elliot mirrored his previous position and lavished the right side of her face with the same attention, lingering on her mouth again, and then behind her ear.

Olivia was beginning to shake a little. It was almost too much. Too much love and attention to bear and comprehend. She tried to turn around to face him, and Elliot didn't stop her. Not right away. She kneeled on the bed and he scooted back to give her some room before he asked her to lie down. When she complied and lay down on her back, he shook his head.

'No. Turn around.'

She was still trembling and wondered what he was going to do while she turned over on the bed. He leaned over her and started kissing her spine, all the way down, while rubbing her shoulderblades gently. When he reached the swell of her ass he stopped, and moved back up to kiss her shoulder blades. Then he put his hands on her ass. He rubbed and squeezed her gently and then she felt his lips on her ass. He made a trail of kisses all the way down to the fold where her buttocks stopped and her legs started. He continued down to the back of her left knee, and from the back of her right knee back up. Goose bumps had been forming the whole time on her body and she wondered if her skin would ever not respond to his touch this way. Then he traced her buttocks all the way from right to left, kissing the inside of her buttocks gently halfway. Olivia grabbed her pillow and squeezed it hard with both hands. He was just about out of skin to kiss aside from ...

'O God,' she whispered, when she felt his hand dip between her legs.

'I'm not God,' Elliot told her in a low voice. 'but you are a goddess.'

She turned on her side to look at him and reached for him. He lay down next to her, leaning on one elbow, and kissed her deeply, his free hand resting lightly on her waist.

'You are so beautiful,' he sighed after breaking off the kiss, making her blush.

He lowered his head and started kissing her shoulder again, moving to her chest this time while his hand moved down over her thong. Olivia couldn't believe what he was doing to her. His love for her was almost too much and she pulled him towards her until his cheek was against hers. She had to swallow a big lump in her throat before she could speak, and her words came out almost like a desperate sigh.

'I love you.'

Elliot looked into her eyes and she could see how moved he was. She had finally said it. He kissed her and they both had to break off the kiss because they were on the brink of crying. Elliot took a deep breath and then continued what he had been doing. He rolled Olivia over on her back completely and remained next to her on his side. He kissed her collarbones, and the small dip between them while smoothing his hand over her abdomen and the outside of her thigh. She wanted him to take her thong off but he was still in the lead. This was so much more than sex, even more than making love. He was making her completely his, from bottom to top and back to front. And she let him. She was surrendering at last, to the only man she had ever felt safe with. He would never betray her trust.

Finally, her thong and the rest of his clothes came off except for his boxer briefs, and she was allowed to touch him. But he made it perfectly clear that this was all about her, not him. He finished giving his undivided attention to her chest and abdomen, placing loving wet kisses everywhere before closing one hand over one breast while closing his mouth over the other. Olivia tried to touch more of him but only managed to hold on to his shoulders and smooth her hands along his sides down to his hips. She felt like every part of her body was responding to him, not just the parts he was now showering with attention. He kept his lower half pressed against the outside of her thigh. She could feel his arousal clearly but it was still all about her. His mouth moved to her other breast and a few minutes later he went lower, across her muscular abdomen to her softer belly and then down to the freshly shaven patch of skin.

They moaned together again when his tongue found the most intimate and sensitive parts of her body and she grabbed his head with both hands while her back arched off the bed again. She was shaking with pleasure and she couldn't stop the sounds emanating from her throat. All of her senses were on high alert after Elliot had kissed her entire body and she was more than ready to reach the inevitable conclusion of this incredible experience. Elliot was grunting with excitement as well and his tongue was finding her entrance again and again.

'El, please ...' she begged but he wasn't stopping.

She didn't want him to make her come first, she wanted them to come together. But he was still leading the dance and wrapped both arms around her thighs, spreading her wider for him and keeping her in place securely while he lapped at her relentlessly. She gasped and threw her head back on the bed. Waves of excitement hit her body and she could feel every part of herself, even her toes. She was soaring higher and higher but still wasn't reaching a climax. She wanted to scream and she wanted to feel him inside her but he just held on to her, using his mouth and tongue on her in the most magical way. Elliot was panting as well and his low grunts and the high pitched sounds she was making seemed to create a new symphony. She started rubbing and squeezing her own breasts and closed her eyes. Elliot was licking and sucking all the right spots and she knew she was very close. Her short cries were getting louder and he was not slowing down, burying his face deep between her legs. She knew now that he wasn't going to stop and she tried to relax her legs, spreading them even wider to increase the waves of pleasure that were hitting her at a high speed now. She thought she might pass out but couldn't say or do anything about it. Elliot seemed to notice she was giving in and started stroking her slower with his tongue, attempting to prolong her pleasure even more. It worked for only half a minute before she came, screaming louder with every breath she pushed out until the intense orgasm reached its peak and then came back down panting when it finally started to subside little by little.

Elliot placed a few soft kisses on the most tender skin of her body before lying down beside her to look into her eyes. He was breathing heavily but smiled widely, clearly content with his achievement. Olivia couldn't speak. She was still reeling with what Elliot had just done to her. To her body as well as her soul. He had conquered her, completely and without reserves. He had made love to her. Not just to her body but to her. He wrapped his arms around her and she melted into his embrace. Now she was the one who had no words. Now she was the one crying happy tears.

She was his.

...


	23. Merry Christmas

**A short chapter but I just wanted to get this out to you on Christmas Day. Enjoy!**

 **"Merry Christmas"**

Elliot was watching her sleep. After the way he had shown her how much he loved her, he had insisted she just rest. This had been all about her because she had overcome part of her fear the night before. He couldn't express in words how much that meant to him so he had shown her in stead. He didn't need anything in return.

'Liv, please do one thing for me,' he had said to her.

'Anything,' she had sighed against his chest and he'd smiled.

'Whenever we fight or disagree, just remember this night. Never forget how much I love you Liv. Ever.'

She had wrapped her arm around him tighter and he had held her close until she had fallen asleep, a few stray tears still on her face and his chest.

During the night they had turned around a few times and now he was lying on his side, facing her and just looking at her. He still couldn't believe how much things had changed between them. He knew other things were about to change as well. There was no going back now. Cragen would have to split them up. Maybe one of them would even have to transfer out. He would do it, for her. But he hoped that switching partners would be enough for IAB. He wasn't worried about what their co-workers would say or think. He _was_ a little nervous about his kids though.

They were working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but would have two days off again after that, since they were all working two or three day shifts around the holidays. He would miss his family's traditional Christmas dinner this year but it would have been uncomfortable anyway, the breakup with Kathy still being so fresh. Still, he wanted to tell his kids about Olivia soon.

He looked at her sleeping form again. She looked so calm and content and he wished she could stay this peaceful forever. He knew she wouldn't though, and neither would he. They would soon be faced with the ugliness of the world again and he wondered how their newfound relationship would hold up under that pressure. Their friendship had always survived but they were building something even bigger now.

He traced the outline of her body beneath the sheet with his eyes, imagining what she looked like underneath it, still naked after he had made love to every inch of her. He wondered if he could ever really get mad at her again. She'd always been capable of pressing all the wrong buttons with him but he knew that part of his frustration with her had been the underlying tension of his feelings for her. And despite their heated arguments, she had always been the one to calm him down too. When it really mattered she would forget about their disagreements and step up to support him, to make sure he could continue to do his job. She was his anchor and he knew he'd be lost without her.

'See something you like, Stabler?'

He had been so lost in thought that he hadn't noticed that Olivia's eyes were open. Her voice was still sleepy but when he looked at her face, he could see she was very much awake and aware that he'd been staring at her body. A small smile played on her lips and he grinned at her.

'Definitely. You sleep well?'

'Like a baby,' she yawned while she turned over on her back to stretch her muscles. 'I can't remember when I slept this good.'

He watched the muscles of her arms move and his eyes drifted lower when the sheet moved a few inches. He propped himself up on one elbow and decided to help the sheet a little, bringing her full breasts into view.

'I wonder why you slept so well,' he mused, while smoothing his hand over her body, just below her breasts.

'Hmmm, me too,' she mumbled. 'It's not like we did anything unusual last night.'

His eyes flicked back up to hers and he felt his entire body respond to the sultry expression on her face. When he moved in to kiss her she stopped him though, placing her hand over his mouth.

'I'm going to brush my teeth and you should too.'

She grinned and jumped out of bed quickly, heading for the bathroom. Elliot laughed and lay back on the bed, waiting for her to return. He couldn't help staring at her again when she walked back into the bedroom, still completely naked.

'Your turn,' she said sternly and he obeyed her with a sheepish grin on her face.

'Don't you go anywhere,' he warned her and he laughed again when she lay down on the bed and pulled the sheet up to her chin.

'Good girl.'

They spent their second day off leisurely, watching some TV, enjoying each others' company and each others' bodies. Elliot smiled when he heard Olivia singing in the kitchen while she was putting some things into the dish washer. She was walking around in just a long t-shirt and nothing underneath. He had put on sweatpants and hadn't bothered with underwear either. He wondered if they would always be like this or if their relationship would grow into something different over time. He wanted to find out, wanted to spend years and years with her, discovering all the phases of relationships with her. Not the growing apart phase though. He'd been through that one with Kathy but he knew if would be different this time. He and Olivia had only grown closer over the years. It didn't start out the same and it wouldn't end the same. He knew this was it for him. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Olivia.

And so they headed back to work on Christmas Eve with very mixed feelings. Olivia had even cried a little early in the morning. Their partnership would come to an end today. It was the end of an era and it hurt. But they were aiming for a different partnership that would be even better. Elliot squeezed her hand right before he knocked on the door of Cragen's office.

'Come in! Ah, you're back. Good. Unfortunately I have a fresh case for you. Rape victim's at Mercy. They are doing a rape kit now and I need you over there asap to take her statement.'

Elliot glanced at Olivia and he could see her hesitation. But he wanted to do this now.

'Captain, actually we wanted to talk to you about something. Can we do that first?' he asked as calmly as he could manage.

Cragen looked up at both of them and as if something was dawning on him, his facial expression changed.

'Oh,' he said. 'Alright. Ehm, sit down and let's hear it then.'

He knew something was up or he wouldn't be reacting this way. Elliot wondered what their commanding officer thought he knew but it was time to put their cards on the table. Elliot motioned at Olivia to take the chair across from Cragen's desk while he stood behind her, resting a hand on her shoulder. The gestured didn't go unnoticed by the Captain and the older man took a deep breath.

'Out with it people,' he said and Elliot squeezed Olivia's shoulder before taking a breath to start their confession. But Olivia beat him to it.

'Captain, Elliot and I have recently ehm ... admitted that we have feelings for each other that are less partnerly than you might wish so ... we want you to know about it so you can decide if you want to keep us together or not.'

Elliot had felt her tense up beneath his hand but her voice had been relatively calm and he was proud of her. She was taking yet another step in conquering her fear. Their Captain hung his head and shook it slightly. They were on edge to hear his response to their disclosure and couldn't really read the man right now. They hoped that he at least could be happy for them but he wouldn't like having to change his unit around this new development. Olivia sat up straight and Elliot clenched his jaw when Cragen looked at them again and finally spoke.

'Well, I knew this was inevitable but I guess I wasn't ready to hear it. I will have to think about this. If I may ask, how ehm ... unpartnerly are we talking about?'

Olivia looked up at Elliot, blushing slightly and Elliot knew it was his turn to speak up.

'I'm in love with Liv and I'm staying at her place for the time being. And I'm not sleeping on the couch anymore so ... you can fill in the blanks I suppose.'

He heard Olivia chuckle softly and he grinned as well. Cragen also smiled slightly as he nodded, taking in the additional information.

'You'll be sharing the same address indefinitely?' he asked.

'I'm moving into my new place in January, Captain,' Elliot said and Cragen nodded again.

'Alright. You two go to Mercy first. I'll get back to you. I appreciate you coming to me with this. And ... well, I suppose congratulations are in order.'

...

'That went a lot better than I thought,' Elliot admitted once they were on their way to the hospital. Olivia agreed but she was still concerned that one of them would have to leave the unit.

'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it Liv. If one of us has to transfer, it will be me. So don't worry about it.'

She didn't object and it confirmed to him that being in SVU meant more to her than to him. Being a child of rape herself and being raised by an alcoholic, made it a basic need for her to dedicate her life to helping victims of sexual abuse and domestic violence. He would never get in the way of her calling. He'd rather still have her back on the job but he didn't expect Cragen or IAB to go along with that.

They worked their case just like they always did and were pleased to find that they could. There was no tension between them but a very comfortable understanding. It was a new understanding, based on their long partnership. They could still read each other, communicate without words, and they still knew what their next move would be without discussing it. The only difference was that they looked out for each other even more because their feelings were now out in the open.

Cragen let them work the case, checking in to hear their progress from time to time and he seemed pleased. They plucked their perp out of a family dinner on Christmas Day and had him booked before the night was over. They finished their paperwork and sat back contently in their chairs once they were done. Elliot looked at his partner and smiled. They were both tired but they did good. They could do this and he could only hope Cragen would acknowledge that too. It was a little past 10 pm and they were looking at two days off before they had to work for another three days.

It was perfect timing because they'd be off duty on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Elliot had been thinking that that would be a good occasion to try and get his kids together. He wanted to call Maureen the next day to start setting it up but he wanted to clear it with Olivia first. She was taking such big steps suddenly and he didn't want to overwhelm her.

When they got up to leave, Cragen came out of his office and walked up to them.

'Elliot, Liv, before you go, I just wanted thank you for working so hard today and closing the case. I'm sure it means a lot to the victim.'

They both nodded and wished their Captain a merry Christmas. Elliot wanted to ask him if he had given some thought to their situation yet but he didn't want to push it. As if reading his mind, Cragen added,

'I will get back to you on that other matter soon. Just enjoy your two days off first, okay?'

He smiled at them a little shyly and they both smiled as well.

'Thanks Captain,' Olivia said and they walked off together to go back home.

...

Olivia walked over to the couch carrying two glasses of red wine. They had taken a shower and decided to have a nightcap before turning in. It had been a long two days but they needed to unwind a little first to get the case out of their heads. Elliot had put on sweatpants and a white t-shirt, and she was in her long t-shirt again. Elliot peeked under it as soon as she sat down to check if she was wearing anything underneath this time.

'El!' Olivia exclaimed, but she laughed. She _was_ wearing panties this time. She handed him his glass and they clinked their glasses together before taking a sip. He had switched on the television and had found a channel with a Christmas concert on it. The romantic classical music was fitting for the moment, he thought. Their first Christmas together. They had been working and there was no family gathering or big dinner party but this was even better. Just the two of them and some wine. Olivia snuggled up against him on the couch and he set down their glasses so he could put his arms around her.

'Merry Christmas Liv,' he whispered, and he kissed her forehead.

'Merry Christmas El,' she said softly, and she kissed his neck.

'We work well together, don't you think?' he asked.

'Hmhmm,' she agreed, laying her head against his chest. 'They should partner us up permanently.'

He laughed and pulled her a little closer to him.

'They should. I'll pass your suggestion on to IAB.'

She laughed as well but then propped herself up to look at him.

'Do you think IAB will object if Cragen wants to keep us both in the unit? Would they overrule him?'

Elliot shrugged.

'Dunno. But I'm not going to worry about it. We'll adjust to the changes, one way or the other. And they're never going to overrule this.'

Before Olivia could ask what he meant, he pulled her close to him and kissed her. She reciprocated the kiss immediately and then smiled against his mouth. There was no overruling what they had together. She kissed him again and he sank back on the couch, pulling her on top of himself and deepening the kiss. She moaned softly as she gave in to him and they soon lost themselves in the moment. As the romantic music continued to play, they moved together in a rhythm that was all their own. Their Christmas dance continued well into the night.

...


	24. Family

**"Family"**

Olivia was nervous.

She had agreed when Elliot suggested getting the kids together for a New Years Eve lunch but she was feeling a bit nauseous now.

She had started relaxing in her relationship with Elliot. Their days off were harmonious and felt like a very natural continuance of the friendship that had built over the past ten years. The physical part was just an enormous bonus. It made her feel even more connected with Elliot than before and slowly but surely, her fear of losing him was beginning to fade into the background.

Also, Cragen had allowed them to continue working together for the time being. They suspected he had not reported their relationship to IAB yet and they assumed he was observing them. Olivia had asked him about his initial response to their admission, when he'd said he knew it was inevitable. The Captain had told her it had been obvious to him and others for a long time that she and Elliot were a lot more to each other than just partners.

'And all this time we worked together and solved cases,' she had pointed out to him. He had smiled and nodded. He was taking it into consideration.

So all in all, she had to conclude she was happy. But right now she was nervous. Elliot was a family man and his children meant the world to him. They were a part of him. A big part. And while she didn't want to approach it as a competition, she was still worried that she wouldn't match up. That if they rejected her as his new girlfriend, he would feel like he would have to choose.

Elliot noticed how uneasy she felt and admitted he was a little nervous himself. It would all be happening pretty fast from the kids' point of view. And Olivia had been in their father's life for the past ten years so they might question how long their relationship had really been going on. The feelings had been there for a long time and if the kids were to call them out on it, she didn't know what she'd tell them.

Olivia was fidgeting with her skirt on the drive over to the restaurant where they would meet the kids and Elliot asked her to please stop it. She knew he was on edge as well but she couldn't help snapping at him.

'What! I'm not doing anything.'

'That!' Elliot snapped back, pointing at her hands. 'You're making me nervous.'

She sighed and rolled her eyes. _He_ was nervous? They were _his_ kids. He should know how to handle this. Despite his own nervousness, she felt he should be the one to get them through this lunch.

 _'You're_ nervous? They're _your_ kids Elliot!'

He laughed, keeping his eyes fixed on the road.

'Right. So you think this is easy for me?'

'Do they even know I'm coming?'

He remained silent and the knot in Olivia's stomach grew a few inches.

'They don't?' she said, her sounding voice much higher than she had intended.

'I ehm ... I told them I was bringing someone. They all kinda figured it would be my new girlfriend. I don't think they were freaking out about the idea.'

If that was supposed to be reassurance, it wasn't working for her. He had talked to Kathleen and Maureen on the phone. He hadn't even spoken with the twins in person. He'd left that to his oldest daughters, who would pick up Eli and the twins at Kathy's and meet them at the restaurant. Of course they wouldn't freak out over the phone. She was pretty sure he had sprung the news on them Stabler style so their _real_ reaction was still to come.

She started fidgeting with her skirt again and stared out through the passenger seat window. She turned her head to look at Elliot when she heard him sigh. He was glaring at her hands again and she folder her arms tightly in front of her.

'Better?'

'Hm.'

This was going to be so much fun.

...

It wasn't until they were at the door of the restaurant that Elliot slipped his hand in her hand and squeezed it gently. She thought she heard him mumble 'sorry' before they went inside and she smiled at him nervously. She was glad they were having lunch with the kids and not dinner. There would be time to deal with them and with a possible aftermath if things didn't go well before they would plunge into the new year. Alex had invited them to a party at her place and Olivia hoped they would be able to make it. Since Cragen still hadn't made a decision about their future with SVU they were a little apprehensive about going completely public with their relationship. However, going to a party as partners shouldn't be a problem.

But this was the biggest hurdle to take. His kids. Olivia took a deep breath and blew it out slowly when she saw them, sitting around a fairly large table that had been set for them. Dick was the first to spot them and she saw his face light up first, then changing into a shocked expression and ending in sheer surprise. He got up and walked over to his father, his eyes moving from him to her and back a few times.

'Hey dad. Olivia. I didn't expect you to come today,' he said formally while extending his hand to her.

She shook it and smiled at the fifteen-year old, leaving the explanation to Elliot. When he didn't say anything, she looked at him, willing him to speak up. But he was looking over Dick's head and when she followed his gaze she understood why. The girls were all staring at her. Elliot wrapped one arm around her waist and suggested they greet the others first and explain her presence to all of them at once.

'Olivia?' Kathleen said, stepping forward to face the older woman. 'You are here with dad? As in _with_ dad?' she added, making an air quote when she said the word 'with'.

'Yes, she is,' Elliot said firmly, keeping his arm around Olivia. 'That is why I wanted to see all of you today.'

He looked around at his kids and aside from Eli they were all quiet.

'Daddy, daddy,' Eli squealed, bouncing on Maureen's knee excitedly and holding out his arms.

Olivia welcomed the distraction because she felt like the temperature in the room had dropped several degrees after she had reached the table. Elliot walked over to Maureen to pick up Eli and motioned for her to follow him to their seats. She was seated on his left, across from Maureen. Dick was sitting opposite Elliot and Kathleen was next to Dick. Lizzy, who wanted to be called Elizabeth now, was seated next to Elliot on his right. Eli's high chair was at the head of the table between Kathleen and Elizabeth. Everyone seemed to be uneasy and Olivia felt completely out of place. For the kids, her place was not beside their father. It was so obvious and she wished she had never told Elliot she wanted to tell them right away. She didn't want this awkwardness, she wanted to go back to the way things were when they all still accepted her. As their father's partner, not his lover.

After they had all sat down, Elliot kept Eli on his lap and cleared his throat to speak.

'Kids, I know this is a surprise for all of you but ... well, you know things haven't been going well between your mom and me for a long time. I'm sure mom has told you by now that we were officially divorced already, and we are going to keep it that way. We've tried, mostly for you guys, but it just isn't working anymore. I'm sorry.'

He took a breath and Olivia looked at the faces around them to gauge their reaction to their father's words. So far, he hadn't told them anything new. They wanted to know about _her_.

'So ...' Elliot continued, and he put an arm around Olivia's shoulders. 'I've known Olivia for years and we found out that we mean more to each other than we knew. I love her and I hope that you will accept that, and that she will have a place in your lives as well.'

The kids were all quiet and Olivia hoped one of them would say something soon. Anything. Elliot was rubbing her shoulder reassuringly while Eli was trying to grab a plate. Elizabeth stopped him and put the plate aside. Finally, Kathleen said something.

'Okay then. I get that you like Olivia dad. We all do. It's just ... well, it's going a bit fast.'

The others nodded and Olivia couldn't blame them. Still, she really needed to get some air. She moved to stand up and Elliot dropped his arm from her shoulders, grabbing her hand in stead.

'I just need to go to the bathroom. You talk with your kids El,' she said softly before rushing off.

...

Olivia leaned against the wall just inside the bathroom area, taking a few deep breaths. She wasn't going to cry, she told herself. She walked over to the sink and washed her hands, giving herself something to do to relax. What would Elliot do if the kids rejected her? She was afraid to think of what that would mean. Of all the tension ahead of them if they pursued their relationship anyway. And Elliot had made it pretty clear that they would. He wanted to. And she did too. She had jumped in and there was no going back. She straightened her back when the door behind her opened and she saw in the mirror that Maureen was approaching her.

'Hi Maureen,' she said while drying her hands. She turned around to face the young woman that Maureen had grown into.

'Hi Olivia. Are you alright?' Maureen asked. She seemed genuinely concerned.

Olivia nodded and told her she was fine. Just a little nervous.

'I get that,' Maureen offered. 'I'd be peeing in my pants too if I were you. We're a little shocked you know, but it's not because of you Olivia. It's just ... everything. Please don't take it personally. We all like you a lot. We just haven't gotten used to mom and dad splitting up yet.'

She appreciated Maureen's honesty and was trying very hard not to take their reaction, or lack thereof, personally.

'I understand that Maureen. Things are moving pretty fast for me too. But I really love your dad.'

It shocked her how easily the words came out of her mouth now and she looked at Maureen for a reaction.

'I know you do Olivia. That's been obvious to all of us for a long time,' Maureen told her. 'We're all grateful that you always look out for him on the job ... wait ... will they let you work together now?'

Olivia was still trying to process the first part of what Maureen had said, and looked at her confused.

'Or haven't you told the guys at work yet?'

'Ehm ... no. Well, yes. We told the Captain but nobody else yet. We wanted to tell you guys first.'

She wanted to ask Maureen about her comment, that it had been obvious to them that she loved their father, but she didn't know how to address it. Maybe she just meant in a platonic way, which had in fact been true for a long time. Maureen asked her if she was ready to come back to the table. The waiter had already taken their orders and Elliot had ordered for her, the young woman told her. She knew she would like whatever Elliot had ordered for her and she smiled. Thinking of him, she suddenly couldn't wait to sit next to him again.

They returned to the table and Olivia noticed they were all still very quiet. She glanced at Elliot when she sat down and he looked at her to make sure she was alright. Then Olivia noticed that Elizabeth had been crying. She looked at Elliot again but he couldn't tell her without words what had transpired while she was in the bathroom.

'El, why don't we switch places for a minute,' she suggested calmly. She wanted to talk to his youngest daughter, who seemed to be the most upset with the situation. Kathleen was happily playing with Eli in her lap and she had quickly deduced from the way Dick had greeted her that the boy was more than okay with her presence. His twin sister was another matter.

Elizabeth wouldn't look at her right away but Olivia knew she would need to push a little. The others were wise enough to start chatting about all kinds of things while Olivia scooted closer to the fifteen year-old and put a hand on her knee.

'Elizabeth? What's wrong honey? Don't you want me here?' she asked softly, making sure her words didn't sound like she was upset with the girl.

Elizabeth shook her head, and for a moment Olivia feared that she would confirm that she didn't want her there.

'No, that's not it,' Elizabeth said softly. 'It's just ... it's just ...'

'Tell me Liz, maybe I can help?'

A tear slid down Elizabeth's cheek as she looked up at the older woman next to her.

'No, you can't. I ... I was hoping mom and dad would make up, just like before. But now ... it's just not gonna happen.'

Olivia really felt for the girl but there was nothing she could do about it. Her parents' marriage was over and there was no fixing it now.

'I'm really sorry that this is hurting so much honey,' she said softly. 'The kids always suffer in these situations and I don't know how to make it any easier for you.'

'I know,' Elizabeth sniffled. 'It really isn't your fault but maybe ... if dad hadn't fallen in love with you ...'

Olivia put an arm around Elizabeth's shoulders and looked at Elliot next to her briefly. He gave her an apologetic smile. His children would all have to deal with the new situation in their own way, and at their own pace. Elizabeth wiped away her tears and looked around to see that the others had already started eating. Olivia switched her and Elliot's plates, deciding she would stay seated next to Elizabeth for now. She saw Kathleen glancing at her a few times but the blonde was eating quietly while helping Eli put small bites of bread into his mouth. Elliot was in an animated discussion with Maureen and Dick and the group finally seemed to relax. Olivia kept an eye on Elizabeth though, making sure the girl ate her lunch. When she heard her giggle because Eli accidentally tossed a bite of his food into Olivia's plate, she breathed out slowly. This wasn't a bad start, considering.

Gradually, the kids started including Olivia in the conversation and asked her how she was doing, how work was and even if she thought their dad was a handsome man. Elliot told them about his new apartment, that would have three bedrooms. That way, there would be room for the twins as well as Eli.

'Will Olivia be there too?' Dick asked.

'She will probably be there regularly,' Elliot answered, winking at Olivia.

'So she will need a room as well, right?'

'When Olivia is there, she sleeps with me,' Elliot said firmly, making sure there was no misunderstanding about the nature of their relationship.

Dick grinned at his father.

'Alright dad!' he said, making a fist and holding it out to his father across the table. Elliot put his fist against his while he grinned too, and Olivia blushed a little. The girls just chuckled softly and Olivia was relieved that Elizabeth was smiling too.

It was almost 2.30 pm when they finally got up to leave. Elliot told her he'd like to take the kids back to Kathy's and break the news to her in person as well. Just when Olivia thought things had gone so well, she was hit with a new wave of nerves. What would Kathy think of her ... and would she talk negatively about them with the kids?

...

Kathy wasn't happy about it. At all. Elliot made sure he stood between the two women in his life the whole time but Olivia could see that Kathy was more sad than angry. She said that she'd been afraid of this for years and it had finally happened. When Olivia tried to tell her nothing had ever happened before, Kathy put up both hands and asked her to stop.

'I know that Olivia. And even if I wanted to, I really can't blame you. But Elliot's heart hasn't belonged to me for a long time. I could see him drifting away to you. I know you didn't encourage him but I always knew.'

She looked at Elliot and shook her head.

'You wouldn't admit it, but you knew as well. I suppose I should be happy for you that Olivia feels the same way.'

Olivia could tell she wasn't happy at all. She was heartbroken and defeated and there was nothing she could do about it.

'I'm sorry Kathy,' she said softly.

Kathy just nodded and thanked them for returning the kids. Olivia knew Elliot felt bad about leaving his ex-wife behind like this, but there was no way to make this any easier.

They were both immensely relieved once they were back in the car, on their way to Manhattan again. Olivia sat back and closed her eyes. It was almost a new year, a new beginning. And she was finally starting to believe they would have a happy new year. Elliot put a hand over her hands in her lap and she opened her eyes to look at him.

'Do you still want to go out tonight?' he asked her.

'Right now I'm beat Elliot but maybe I'll feel more up to it later.'

Elliot was quiet for a minute and then asked,

'So basically you are suggesting we take a nap when we get home?'

She laughed and she felt her body relax a little more. It was good to be alone with Elliot again and just be herself with him.

'You have a one track mind Stabler,' she joked.

'Now now,' Elliot countered immediately. 'I just said we might take a nap. If you make it into something else, then who's got the one track mind, huh?'

They both laughed and she shook her head. She wished they could be like this forever.

...


	25. Happy New Year

**"Happy New Year"**

Elliot was relieved at how well his kids were handling the changes in their family situation. He was proud of all of them. And of Olivia too. He was looking forward to be out in the open with her, and couldn't wait for Cragen's decision about their partnership. He could tell that their Captain was content with the way they were working together. On the job, things really hadn't changed very much. If anything, they were even more in sync than before. They had always been willing to put their lives on the line for each other and that would still be the case.

Olivia was relaxing a bit on the couch and he watched her from the kitchen as she put her feet up and closed her eyes. He couldn't help admiring her long, well-shaped legs and smiled as his eyes drifted up to her face. She was so peaceful, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open. Her head was dropping to the side and she seemed to be nodding off.

On the one hand, he wanted to go to Alex' party with Olivia, but on the other hand he wouldn't mind just staying home with her to ring in the new year together. But he knew she would not appreciate it if he just let her sleep until it was too late to go to the party. So he decided to wake her up after an hour. Olivia stretched and yawned, and said she couldn't believe she had been sound asleep. Elliot sat down next to her and asked if she was up for some dinner.

'I need something to drink first, I never feel well after I've I slept during the day,' she told him. 'One of my many quirks you will have to learn to live with,' she added with a grin.

'Gladly,' he assured her and he kissed her nose before getting up to get her a bottle of water. 'You up for pizza?'

'Sure.'

They ordered in and after dinner they got ready for the party. Elliot had taken a shower and was walking out of the bathroom into the bedroom in his dark blue robe when he saw Olivia, dressed only in her black underwear, digging through the dresses in her closet. She had already showered before him and her hair was still wet. He walked up behind her and cleared his throat so he wouldn't scare her. She turned around and was surprised that he was standing so close to her.

'Hey,' she said. 'Wanna help me pick out a dress? I can't find _anything_ in here.'

Elliot laughed. She had dozens of dresses but she couldn't find anything. He enjoyed discovering her feminine side more and more and put his hands on her hips.

'Liv, you look beautiful already,' he assured her. 'It doesn't matter what you wear.'

She didn't have a speck of makeup on yet and Elliot thought she had never looked more beautiful. He found her little freckles adorable but he knew better than to say that out loud.

'So I should just go out like this?' Olivia shot at him, a hint of frustration in her voice while she gestured at her scarcely clad body.

'If you want to go out like this, I assure you that you won't make it out of the apartment,' Elliot said very seriously, barely managing to suppress a smile.

Olivia relaxed and took the bait.

'Oh really? And why is that, detective? You're gonna arrest me?'

Her sultry tone and the look in her eyes made his body respond in several places and he pulled her close to him with a grunt.

'Definitely. Let me get my handcuffs.'

Olivia leaned into him and her hot breath in his neck made him shiver when she said softly,

'Then I will get dressed for the party this time but you hold that thought for later, _detective_.'

She released him and quickly turned back around to find a dress but he didn't miss her mischievous smile. He took a step towards her and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind.

'Oh no,' he whispered in her ear. 'You deserve to be punished now.'

He wasn't sure how she would react but it only took half a second for her to lean into his chest and play along.

'What kind of punishment did you have in mind detective?' she asked, while she put one hand over his and moved the other one behind her to cup the modest bulge that was forming under his robe. Elliot swallowed, feeling his body respond to her even more and moved his hands to her hips before trailing them upwards to the sides of her bra.

'First, this comes off,' he told her, hoping his voice sounded as confident as it would while talking to a suspect.

'I thought I was being punished for lewdness and now you are taking off what little I'm wearing too?' she asked innocently. 'Do you think 'I'm carrying a concealed weapon?'

'One can never be too careful,' Elliot gruffed while unclasping her bra. He dropped it to the floor and placed a few soft kisses on her right shoulder while he took her full breasts in his hands.

Olivia reached between them again to pull his robe open and he released her briefly to shrug the robe off his shoulders. As soon as it hit the floor, he pulled her back against his now naked chest again.

'Well then,' Olivia said softly. 'You'd better continue searching me thoroughly.'

She was going to be the death of him. Elliot moved his hands from her breasts down to her toned stomach and felt her trembling slightly under his touch. He was getting hard very fast too and wondered if they would always have this effect on each other. Olivia sighed when he moved one hand over her panties and arched her back when he rubbed her a few times through the thin black fabric.

'Are you satisfied yet, detective?' she asked, sounding a little out of breath. 'Or do you need a closer look?'

Elliot moaned in her ear before spinning her around.

'I'm sorry miss, I do need to take a closer look,' he said roughly.

He hooked his thumbs in the sides of her panties, pulling them down and kneeling in front of her in one movement. Olivia was watching him and the want and anticipation in her eyes was only outshone by her wide smile. He reached up to 'search' her body for any concealed weapons and told her,

'I' m afraid I'll have to do a full cavity search.'

He was surprised he'd even gotten the words out and he held his breath when Olivia moved to the bed and sat down slowly on the edge, spreading her legs for him and placing her hands behind her to lean back slightly.

'Alright, if you must,' she sighed. 'I will cooperate. Just don't hurt me okay, detective? I still have a party to go to later.'

She smiled at him seductively and Elliot couldn't believe that Badass Benson was actually into this kind of role playing. She was playing her part perfectly and he couldn't stay behind. But it was getting increasingly difficult to hold back. She probably knew that and was teasing him to the extreme.

'Come on detective. We don't have all night. Do we?'

Elliot jumped up and wanted to push her down on the bed and take her hard. But the game wan't finished so he reigned himself in, taking a deep breath before lowering himself to his knees in front of her again.

'Let's see,' he said pensively while moving his fingers over her most sensitive spot and down to find the 'cavity' that needed searching.

Olivia's breath hitched and he was glad he wasn't the only one who was anxious to move things along. She moaned loudly when he pushed two fingers in. She was soft, warm, wet and inviting and Elliot bit his lip while he moved his fingers in and out a few times to complete his search.

'And?' Olivia croacked, throwing her head back while pushing into his hand.

'I don't know miss,' he managed to say. 'I have to be sure ...'

He added a third finger, pushing in all the way and Olivia bucked up, panting and moaning 'Oh yes' a few times as he continued moving his fingers in and out. It was tempting just to keep going and watch her come but he was throbbing with need himself too. So he eased his fingers out of her slowly after a while, before moving his upper body between her legs. Olivia pushed herself against his torso and he moaned, feeling her warm and soft wetness against his chest. He placed a few kisses on her abdomen and smoothed his hands behind her back to lift her up from the bed and move them onto the mattress. She wrapped her arms around his neck and they managed to move far enough so they were both lying on the bed, Elliot on top of Olivia.

'Here's another cavity I need to search,' Elliot grunted before kissing her roughly and plunging his tongue into her mouth.

Olivia returned the kiss passionately and Elliot decided the search was now officially over. As their mouths and tongues were fighting a battle of their own, he smoothed his body over hers. Olivia wrapped her legs around his waist and it was all the encouragement he needed. He buried himself deep inside her without warning. Olivia groaned and started pushing up immediately. They weren't going slow this time. He knew Olivia was strong and while he would never want to hurt her, he pounded into her without hesitation. She wanted it too, he could feel it. He braced himself on his elbows and looked at her face while continuing his thrusts. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open. She was panting and making a high pitched sound each time he went deep inside her.

'Yes, yes, keep going!' she managed to say and he moaned at the sight of her beneath him.

She opened her eyes and looked at him.

'Liv ...' he panted, not slowing down.

She grabbed his ass with both hands to pull him in even deeper.

'El ...'

'Liv, I'm ...'

'Me too ...'

'Oh God ...'

'Eeell!'

As soon as he felt her body shuddering in extasy beneath him, he came hard and long. He continued thrusting into her until he was completely spent and rolled them over so Olivia was on top of him. She was still panting and trembling and he wrapped his arms around her warm flushed body.

'That ... was ... wow.' she panted.

'Yeah ...' he agreed. 'You ... officially have no ... concealed weapons on you.'

She grinned and kissed him softly on the lips. They lay together for a while, enjoying the afterglow and just breathing together. Elliot caressed her back and buttocks with his hands and wished now that they didn't have to go out. As if reading his mind, Olivia pushed herself up and folded her hands on his chest, resting her chin on them and looking at him.

 _'Now_ will you help me pick out a dress?'

He laughed out loud and kissed her forehead before agreeing that they really should be getting ready.

Elliot wasn't much help after all though, and after Olivia had shot down all of his suggestions he shook his head and turned his attention to his own wardrobe. She was on her own on this. He pulled out a simple black suit and a white shirt and got dressed quickly while Olivia finally picked out a brown dress that complemented her eyes perfectly and gave her skin a golden glow. He couldn't believe she actually had a pair of high heels in every color but she produced a pair that matched her dress exactly. Her hair was just long enough now to pin it up and after she had applied her makeup and walked back into the bedroom, Elliot sighed. She looked so sophisticated and he suddenly felt underdressed. Olivia assured him he looked very handsome and gave him a gentle peck on the cheek before getting their coats. She put a sway in her hips as she walked and Elliot shook his head again. He was such a lucky bastard.

...

Alex came from a wealthy family and wasn't doing so bad herself. The house was impressive, almost like a mansion and there were a lot of people already. They didn't know most of them but they soon spotted the lady of the house who greeted them warmly.

'You two look radiant,' Alex told them. 'Are you out of the closet yet?'

Olivia laughed out loud and Elliot loved the sound of her laughter.

'We're getting there, Alex,' she assured the former ADA. 'we're just waiting on Cragen's decision.'

Alex nodded pensively.

'I see. Well, he's here too so maybe you can ask him about it. Get it over with.'

Elliot was surprised. Their Captain wasn't a party goer at all and he didn't even know he socialized with Alex. She told them they would find more familiar faces in the living area and they walked further into the house. Melinda spotted them and waved. Olivia grabbed Elliot's hand and pulled him along with her through the crowded room to where most of their co-workers were standing. Her spontaneous gesture surprised him but as soon as they reached the group, she released his hand. They greeted Melinda, Cragen and Munch, who told them Fin was also on his way with his latest girlfriend.

'How 'bout you Liv, no date tonight?' Munch inquired.

Olivia just smiled and told him she didn't need a date to have fun.

'Besides, I have my partner to keep me company.'

Elliot grinned and gave her a friendly pat on the shoulder.

'Don't worry, I've got your back Liv,' he chimed in.

Munch just raised an eyebrow and looked at both of them before turning back to the conversation he'd been having with Melinda. Captain Cragen tapped Elliot on the arm and gestured at him and Olivia to step away from the group.

'Yes Cap?' Olivia asked, and Elliot could tell she was a little nervous. Maybe the Captain had reached a decision.

'Listen,' the Captain started, making sure nobody they knew was within earshot. 'I've watched you both work over the past week and I've spoken with Tucker.'

Elliot saw Olivia tense up and put his hand on her lower back reassuringly. What was the worst that could happen? Well, with Tucker you never knew.

'As you know, you two have been evaluated several times over the years. I've discussed with Tucker that you've been very close for years but it has never affected your case closure rate. Well, not negatively,' he added with a smile.

Elliot was beginning to like the sound of what Cragen was telling them.

'Also, it speaks for the both of you that you came forward yourselves. Therefore, Tucker has agreed to give you six months to prove you can keep your relationship out of work. This should also be enough time for the two of you to decide if your relationship is viable long-term. We'll evaluate after three months and again after six months. At that time, a final decision will be made with regards to your partnership as well as both your places in the unit.'

Elliot looked at Olivia and he assumed he was beaming at least as much as she was.

'Before you start partying, I must stress that no hanky panky will be tolerated on the job,' Cragen warned them sternly. 'And also, no personal disagreements should be hashed out between the two of you while you are on a case.'

Olivia nodded and grabbed their Captain's hand with both hands.

'No problem Captain, thank you!' she said enthusiastically and she shook his hand.

Elliot thanked him as well. The no arguing on the job might need some work but they weren't a lovey-dovey couple in public, and he didn't expect them to become one either. However, he did have a strong urge to hug Olivia right now.

'Sir, we are not on the job right now so ...' he said with a smirk.

Cragen smiled and waved his hands, gesturing at them to just go and do what they thought they had to do. Elliot pulled Olivia close to him and looked into her brown eyes, asking her permission silently to kiss her. She gave him her most beautiful smile and leaned in to kiss him while he put a hand against her cheek. He kissed her gently but she pulled him in, wrapping her arms around him and intensifying the kiss. Their co-workers noticed them and started applauding. They broke apart smiling and looked at the small group. Alex had just joined them and was all smiles. Fin had arrived with a beautiful blonde on his arm and joined the group as well.

After answering most of their questions, leaving certain details to the imagination of their ever curious co-workers and friends, the group settled down. They were all very happy for them and Elliot swore he even saw some money changing hands between them.

Elliot watched Olivia move very naturally among the guests, chatting with familiar and less familiar faces. She was relaxed and he thought he had never seen her quite like this. She had a glow about her and he took pride in knowing he was at least part of her new-found happiness. He'd always wanted her to be happy, for as long as he'd known her. She'd had a difficult life and had come out of it so strong. He had finally broken free from the expectations of others and had chosen his own path. He was now dedicated to Olivia's happiness, knowing that she was all he needed to be happy himself. It wasn't a sacrifice this time, it was what he really wanted. He knew it in his heart.

When the countdown from ten to zero started just before midnight, he saw her making her way towards him. They finished the countdown together, hands around each others' waists, and wished each other a happy new year on zero. Elliot pulled her close to him and she returned his hug. They held each other tight, looking forward to a new year, a new beginning, a new life.

...

 **Well, this almost wraps up this story. I intend to write an epilogue early in the new year and then continue writing my new story "Partners for Life". I'm still looking for an episode in which Liv and El had a good fight to use in the epilogue (preferably after Hothouse, for the sake of the timeline). So if you have a suggestion, feel free to send me a PM.**

 **I wish you all a joyous and most of all a healthy new year!**


	26. Doubt - Epilogue

**Well, it seems that all the best E/O fights were before season 10 so I decided to use and older case for this epilogue, to see how they will deal with a professional disagreement. In my opinion, this one was their best fights ever (that wasn't personal on some level), about a case they would never agree on. We never even got the jury's verdict in the end. How will they cope with this after work? Enjoy the _final_ final chapter of this journey. It's been interesting!**

...

 **"Doubt" -** **Epilogue**

8 months later.

The man had been brutal. Olivia had stayed with Myra the entire time while the rape kit was being done. All her cuts and bruises had to be documented and they were extensive. Myra was a mess, showing all the classical symptoms of a victim. She did manage to give a full account of her evening though, right up until the moment she'd hailed a cab, and the cab driver refused to take her home. Frustrated, she had smashed the rear window with an empty bottle. That's when the cops had arrived and she had told them she had just been raped.

The suspect, Ron Polikoff, had come forward immediately and Elliot had spoken to him while Melinda did a full physical exam on him. Somehow, the men must have bonded during the exam and interview because Elliot was questioning the rape story. Polikoff maintained that the sex had been completely consensual but rougher than what he was comfortable with. Myra had wanted it that way, he had told Elliot. Myra said it wasn't consensual and that Polikoff had become rough when she asked him to stop. A classical he said / she said. Still, Olivia was convinced that all of the injuries on both parties were a result of a rape, not wild sex. Elliot wasn't.

The night of the alleged rape, they had been fine. A second DNA sample on Myra's underwear had cast some doubt on her story but they would get to it the next day. They had spent a quiet evening at home, without even mentioning the case. Today had been, well, different. Polikoff turned out to be a recently divorced father with a sixteen year old daughter and Elliot clearly sympathized with the man. Granted, Myra's history with men wasn't very flattering for her but still. She fit the picture of a victim completely and Olivia believed her.

They were going over the case with Alex in the break room when they finally exploded.

"So Warner says that the other DNA sample on Myra's Teddy is indeed Justin Wexler's," Olivia told Alex, referring to Myra's boyfriend.

"Good. I don't think that's gonna hurt us with the jury too much," Alex replied.

"The fact she wore sexy silk underwear to Polikoff's sure will," Elliot interjected.

He was standing, leaning on the table she and Alex were sitting at.

"That's not an invitation for rape," Olivia shot back, looking up at him. Surely he knew that. How long had they both been doing this job anyway?

"Maybe she didn't even see it as rape until he told her to leave."

"Elliot ..."

"Guys," Alex cut them off. "I can't prosecute this until you agree. Call me when you get on the same page."

With that, she left them alone and Elliot started to walk off as well. Olivia jumped up and went after him.

"What is your problem with Myra?" she asked him.

"She's neurotic," Elliot replied, taking a few steps away from her. "Look, she chased after a guy whose life is falling apart."

"So that gives him the right to force her to have sex?" _Come on Elliot. You know better than that_.

She didn't mean to raise her voice but she was getting pissed.

Elliot scratched his chin as he walked back over to where Olivia was standing. Raising a finger, he pointed out to her that Myra was the one who wanted to have sex.

"Really, did she wanna be strangled too?!"

She was beginning to yell and he was still speaking quietly. Even that was getting on her nerves now.

Elliot stopped in front of her.

"A lot of people do," he said, still calm but she knew he was challenging her judgement.

"Elliot, what's wrong with you?"

He walked away from her again while he answered and started walking around her in circles as they continued their discussion.

"What's wrong with me? Myra hasn't told a consistent story yet. She lied about when he looked at her portfolio."

"Hey, maybe _he_ lied!  It's her word against his!" She was yelling full on now and finally, Elliot raised his voice as well, still walking around her.

"Yeah, but her words can put him in prison for ten years. She hails a cab instead of calling the cops? She doesn't even mention rape until _she_ 's about to be arrested!"

Why couldn't he see the whole picture here? She stepped in front of Elliot so their faces were close and she tried to stress her words to make him come to his senses.

"Elliot, rape victims are in shock! They're in denial. You know that. You've seen it."

He finally stopped walking and told her quietly,

"I've also seen liars."

Before she could respond, and she didn't even know how to respond to him calling a victim a liar, Cragen called them.

"Elliott! Olivia! My office!"

They stomped down the stairs and past their desks to the Captain's office. He had probably heard their entire argument, just like everyone else in the squad room.

"Close the door behind you please," Cragen said to Olivia as she entered right behind Elliot.

As soon as the door was closed, Cragen wanted to know what was going on.

"Alright, let's hear it. I've stuck my neck out for you two to keep you here, so please tell me that this 'discussion' you were having just now is strictly case-related? If not, I'm afraid I may have to revisit your latest evaluation and think about it again."

Olivia's eyes had gone wide and she glanced at Elliot. He still had the same stubborn look on his face and he told the Captain curtly that it was indeed strictly case-related.

"It's a classic he said / she said Captain, and Liv believes her while I'm inclined to believe him. That's it."

Olivia's blood was still boiling that he could even consider believing Polikoff after she'd seen first hand how shaken Myra had been, how she had flinched when she'd been touched unexpectedly and how disappointed she'd been in her hero. Besides, who would want to be choked that hard? She knew there were people who were into that. She just didn't want to believe her victim was one of them.

The Captain was looking at her now, clearly expecting her to speak up.

"Yes. Yes Captain. Elliot's right. It's strictly about the case, nothing else."

Cragen was looking at both of them, wondering what to make of it. They'd been in his office many times after fights like this but it was the first big disagreement they'd had on the job after disclosing their involvement. So it was different and the Captain had to make sure their partnership still wasn't suffering because of their relationship. He asked them to share details with him about the case and the evidence that was making them disagree, and after he was satisfied that their yelling match had indeed been purely about work, he let them go.

"Alright. Go home, get some sleep and look at all the facts again tomorrow. Alex needs something to work with and she can't unless you give her something solid."

The both nodded, not looking at each other.

"Dismissed."

...

The drive back home was silent. They had both said all they wanted to say and they weren't going to see eye to eye on this. Olivia took a deep breath and tried to relax. They could agree to disagree, right? They would pick up the case tomorrow. Right now, they were going home. She had worried a little about keeping the job and their personal lives separated but it had actually gone very well over the past months. Cragen had been very content and Tucker had even smiled at them once. She had barely managed to hide her surprise, especially when she saw Elliot staring at the Lieutenant of IAB in disbelief. But they weren't complaining.

Today had been different. To say the least. And now what? Elliot was still staring ahead, a stubborn look in his eyes and his jaw set, ready for another argument if she were to say another thing about the case. Even though she still felt the tension about his attitude in her belly, she decided against it. They were going home and would probably not talk about it at all. That was how they used to deal with these arguments anyway, before they became lovers.

They walked up the four flights of stairs to their apartment, still not speaking. After their first positive evaluation in March, Elliot had asked her to move in with him. Why keep two addresses when they were spending every waking _and_ sleeping moment together anyway? Right now, some distance might have been wise but this was home. It was where they both lived so they would just have to deal with it.

Only she didn't really know how to do this. What did regular couples do when they disagreed? Just give each other the silent treatment until a distraction came along? That's what they used to do as partners. How did lovers do it? She'd never been in a relationship long enough to find out. She took a deep breath when Elliot put the key in their front door and opened it. They were home. Now what?

"Dad! Please tell your sons to leave me alone! They've been terrorizing me the whole time I've been trying to make dinner for all of us!"

Dick came running by with Eli in tow, yelling something about finally not being a minority anymore and the boys disappeared into one of the bedrooms. Olivia glanced at Elliot and she was amazed at how his facial expression was changing. It was almost as if there was an invisible screen at their front door, and as soon as he'd stepped through, he was a different person. He was smiling at Elizabeth, who had clearly been busy in the kitchen and walked over to his daughter to give her an encouraging pat on the back.

"We've chased them away honey. You're safe now. What are you cooking?" he asked his youngest daughter.

He was looking in all the pots and pans to see what she was making and winked at Olivia, who was still standing in the doorway with her mouth slightly open.

"Actually, it's two different dishes dad. One is pasta and the other one is a mix of fish and vegetables. I love to cook and your kitchen is just great."

Elizabeth was right. The kitchen was pretty impressive with lots of room to work and all the appliances one could wish for. Olivia finally closed the door and took off her coat. She walked into the kitchen as well and took in the delicious smell of pasta sauce. Elliot stood beside her and put a hand on her back. She looked at him, slightly surprised at the gesture. She felt a warmth spread throughout her chest when she saw the look in his eyes.

"Hey, relax," he said softly. "We're home. No shop talk anymore okay?"

She didn't know what to say. Was that was regular couples did? Leave it all at the front door and focus on their family life as if they hadn't just had a huge fight on the job? Elliot sensed her confusion and guided her out of the kitchen into the L-shaped living room.

"Let's give Liz some room to work," he said and Elizabeth smiled at them.

Elliot took her hand and led her to the couch.

"El ..." Olivia started, but he shushed her by placing a finger on her lips.

Elliot sat down and pulled her into his lap. Olivia sighed and leaned against him contently. She didn't know what he was going to say but the mood had changed so much already that she was beginning to relax.

"Liv, I don't want the job to come between us at home. Ever. The case will still be there, whether we worry about it tonight or not. We'll probably get into it again tomorrow but for now, we're here. The kids are here and I just want us to be a family. Do you think we can do that?"

Olivia bit her lip, trying to understand what had just happened. It was as if the day was just sliding off of them. They were in a completely different world now, where there was love, light and laughter. They no longer were sex crimes detectives, they were Elliot and Olivia, best friends and lovers. They had come home to this apartment together many times before but it had never hit her the way it did this time. After their fight. After getting caught up in a case they _still_ didn't agree about. She finally nodded and smiled at Elliot.

"Yeah. I think we can do that."

Elizabeth announced that dinner was ready and the boys came charging out of the bedroom again. They all sat down at the dinner table and Elizabeth asked if they would be silent for a minute so she could say grace. Olivia listened silently at the sixteen-year old's prayer.

"Dear Lord, we thank you for the food we are about to eat and I thank you that you brought dad and Olivia home safely today because we really need them here with us. Please bless this dinner and our family. Amen."

Olivia didn't know where to look. They short prayer had moved her to tears and she tried to hide her trembling chin until she felt Elliot's hand on her knee under the table. She put her hand over his and squeezed it, smiling without looking at him. She had been accepted into the family. This was where she belonged. No matter how much ugliness they might see in the world during the day, this was where they were going to return each night. She was with the man she loved more than life itself and with a family that had always been close to her heart. This was how they were going to do it and she was learning. She was happy. She was home.

 **The End**

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 **A/N: Want more? Check out my others stories! And please leave a review about this happy ending.**


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